uhm... I ACTUALLY WROTE A POEM!

S

Slicer S. V.

New member
my first in like... 2 years... is that bad? a 2 yr writers block? hehe anyways, i would like to say that after i was done scribbling it out and read over what i wrote i was like... where did this come from? cuz, i really can't think of any example in my life of this kinda thing, so it just dropped out of the blue... unless it has something to do with all the hikki i've been listening to lately ^^

I was going along one day,
minding only myself.
You came that day,
to help those that let.
We met, we talked...
seemed we knew each other,
yet never before we met.

The universal law,
nature of the universe.
Opposite-equal...
opposites attract.
The timeless love,
some people are destined.

One day some time ago,
a day past yet still here...
We met, we talked...
though different in many ways,
something just clicked.

You were Nipponjin,
me English to the core.
You a kind, soft heart...
mine hardened with bad past.
Yet when we met that day,
a balance shifted,
time froze yet went on.

The universal law,
nature of the universe.
Opposite-equal...
opposites attract.
The timeless love,
some people are destined.

An interminable instant,
the month in a moment...
I can keep no secret...
when it comes down to it...
i'm hopelessly infatuated.

Note: in case you don't know any japanese and couldn't figure out the context clues, nipponjin is japanese for a japanese person...

so what do you guys think? any good for the first poem in 2 yrs? indeed the first thing i've written excepting that queer fleas thing a short time ago...

i'm still wondering where the poem came from... cuz, just as most people who write, i have no control of the flow of ideas, i can only adjust the language and structure after the fact...

a second note: i'm posting this here as a copy from my post in vgmp3... there are people there who don't come here, and people here who don't go there... but then... there are those who visit both, so if you think you've seen this exact same thing somewhere else... well, you just may have <img src=smilies/thumb.gif>

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a couple updates:

first of all, anyone wanna come up with a title?

secondly... i think this could make a great song...

just need someone to make the music and another someone (preferably male, since the writer is male, but has no singing talent) to sing it...

what do you people think?

any titles? anyone to offer to try to interpret it and make musical arrangements for it? anyone with singing talent to take an arrangement and sing it?

i might be able to find someone locally for the singing if someone would come up with the musical arrangement...

do you even think the song idea is plausible?

i have 40 views and NO ONE has SAID a thing yet... either it sucks and no one wants to tell me, or it is very good and no one has words to express it...

<img src=smilies/errrr.gif>

<P ID="signature"></P><P ID="edit"><FONT class="small">Edited by Slicer S. V. on 10/18/04 09:58 PM.</FONT></P>
 
Re: a couple updates:

Uhh... it's not bad per se, it's just a poem of the type anyone could write, like http://www.zophar.net/wwwthreads/showthreaded.php?Cat=&Board=diaries&Number=162355&page=&view=&sb=&o=me</A>. By that, I mean it's mostly generic stuff that fails to duplicate feelings within an audience. Really good poetry usually works up to a concept (like love, or friendship, or loneliness) through a vividly described concrete vision or experience.

For example, http://www.zophar.net/wwwthreads/showthreaded.php?Cat=&Board=diaries&Number=162357&page=&view=&sb=&o=here</A>'s a very good one written by an old ZD guy, about loneliness and isolation through the metaphor of an ice cream man.

<P ID="signature">The more often you fail, the sweeter the taste of success!</P>
 
I'd say it's decent. There's only one problem I really have with it. The end words on your sections don't always seem to feel very smooth... like the whole section will go great, but your ending words should be more powerful and flowing. Something less generic. "Met" is okay, but not very powerful; "destined" is good and fits in with the other end words that are also well used in that section; "clicked"... well, that one bothers me the most, I think. That part seems smooth and mellow, but "something just clicked" really stands out in a negative way.
I'll stop there. I think you get where I'm going with this. :)

Overall, it's not bad for your first poem in two years. There's certainly room for revisions and improvement. It really doesn't seem like something that'd move or stimulate thought in your audience, but things like that take time to improve upon.

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A new update:

i have now come up with a title for this poem, 'Month in a Moment'

i was looking over the poem and suddenly that line popped out at me for a great title.

now to try to find some music for it...

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