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Old 05-09-2005, 03:11 PM   #1
Ganheim
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Default G.I. Joe

Disclaimer: this was copied from Dream and Write, and that post was copied from somewhere else. I'm just curious as to what responses I might see to this.

Like many others from my generation, my favorite cartoon of all was G.I. Joe. I can't bear to imagine how different this show would be today, but as it turns out I don't have to imagine. Last week one of my long forgotten cartoon-script-seeking droids hovered into my bedroom window clutching a script from the top secret new G.I. Joe series, then hovered out through my other window without slowing down. It came back several days later, though, and then I was finally able to read the following:

Location: United Nations Headquarters. Flint, Lady Jaye, and Sergeant Slaughter sit at a table with a placard that reads "USA". The room they are in is immense and circular, and packed within it are representatives from nearly every nation in the world; all sitting at tables identical to the one we see the Joes behind.

Flint: (whispering to Sgt. Slaughter as a Pakistani diplomat addresses the room in the background) ...and after we dropped the payload I realized the smell was still there. So I turned to the pilot and said, "Hey buddy, is this a cockpit or a cocksh-

Suddenly, a familiar high-pitched fills the air, laughing diabolically. In the center of the room, a large panel of monitors and speakers hangs from the ceiling. On it, we see the source of the laughter...

Cobra Commander: Sorry to interrupt your girl scout meeting, but there's some breaking news you might be interested in! Mere moments ago, I unleashed my genetically engineered strain of sentient peanut plants! They follow my every order, and are immune to everything but the big shiny Remote Detonate button which rests at my side. Within the hour, all of Spain will be under my control! Within the week, the world!

Sergeant Slaughter: (tossing his chair aside and slamming his hands on the desk) That does it! Let's go kick some Cobra butt and save the world!

Flint: Woah woah woah, big guy! Slow down and think this through. We can't just rush into this unilaterally!

UN Secretary Kofi Annan: Yes, you must get the approval of each and every country in the world before you can even consider military action. Even Antarctica, and they don't have a government yet so you'll have to wait for one to be established.

Lady Jaye : Besides, think of our popularity polls! Protestors have already gathered in Seattle in response to your insensitive and warmongering comment!

Cut to the streets of Seattle, where a throng of protestors angrily chants "No blood for peanuts! No blood for peanuts!" Scattered throughout the crowd are signs reading "Hasbroburton is the REAL enemy", "Peace Is Good, War Is Bad!", and "Meat Is Murder".

One protestor runs in front of the camera and claws at his face with both hands, screaming in horror "Someone stop that monster Slaughter! Think of the children! Oh God, won't someone think of the children!"

Sergeant Slaughter: This is insane! Don't any of you see what's going on? We have to take action immediately!

Kofi Annan: He's right, you know. We can't stand by and do nothing while a madman's peanuts overtake us all! (turning to Cobra Commander's visage on the screen) I am going to pass a resolution on you so freaking hard!

Cobra Commander: Oh no, anything but that! Haha, go right ahead and add it to the pile you've already filed against me. Oops, I just realized that I mistakenly gave my troops the day off today. It seems that I left my base completely unguarded and vulnerable to attack!

Sergeant Slaughter: Look! He's begging for it! We've got to hit him now, and not with your meaningless little resolutions!

Flint: (a look of realization dawning on his face, he stands shoulder to shoulder with Sergeant Slaughter as the heroic theme music swells) Sarge is right! The only way to stop Cobra is with a really BIG resolution! Kofi, do you have any large resolution forms? Printed on paper about twice as long and wide as the standard ones?

Cut to a shot of Earth being overrun with peanut plants as Cobra laughs and laughs. Roll credits, then begin the "Now you know..." segment. A young man is sitting in front of a computer alone.

Corin Tucker's Stalker: Furries are sooo damn weird. I already know this, yet I can't... stop... looking!

Destro bursts through the wall in a blaze of laser fire, then grabs the young man by the neck.

Destro: Incorrect, fleshface! It's wrong to hold an opinion of any sort about other people. Everyone should be able to do whatever they want -even pee when they aren't in the shower- and no matter how completely wrong it is you're a bigot if you disagree!

Corin Tucker's Stalker: Wow, thanks mister! I never thought of it that way. I guess I was narrow-minded. Now I know...

Destro: ...and knowing is half the nonviolent and meaningful (but not religious) experience!

Did I mention that each episode will only be five minutes long?

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Old 05-09-2005, 03:27 PM   #2
CEpeep
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Default PORKCHOP SANDWICHES

OH SHIT, GET THE FUCK OUT


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Old 05-10-2005, 05:13 AM   #3
Redbomb
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Default Re: PORKCHOP SANDWICHES

> OH SHIT, GET THE FUCK OUT

Help computer...

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Old 05-10-2005, 08:28 AM   #4
Leldorion
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Default This is from somethingawful....

> Disclaimer: this was copied from Dream and Write, and that
> post was copied from somewhere else. I'm just curious as to
> what responses I might see to this.

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Old 05-10-2005, 12:10 PM   #5
Fla Flash
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Default Re: PORKCHOP SANDWICHES

Does your mother still hang out at dockside bars?
Tell me Johnny, do you play baseball?
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Old 05-14-2005, 06:05 AM   #6
icenine0
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Default As is this.

http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=2463Cobra Commander '04</A>. Shoulda voted for the guy...

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Old 05-14-2005, 12:42 PM   #7
SirDaShadow
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Default Re: G.I. Joe

> Destro: ...and knowing is half the nonviolent and meaningful
> (but not religious) experience!
>
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII JOEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE


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Old 05-26-2005, 02:44 AM   #8
Ganheim
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Default Re: G.I. Joe

Is anybody going to actually say anything about the item I posted, or is intelligible debate fully dead on Zophar's?

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Old 05-26-2005, 03:46 AM   #9
Maxwell Murder
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Default Re: G.I. Joe

I think you're required to check your brain at the door when entering this place.

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Old 05-26-2005, 12:48 PM   #10
Blade556
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Default Re: G.I. Joe

It's funny because it's true. The UN won't go in unless there's proof of a genocide, and even then they won't do anything about it. The peacekeepers, anyway....

"Come on, guys, stop shooting yourselves and make friends....Please stop?....Umm.....Ok....Well, just try not to kill them slowly then...."

I kinda think the UN should get their asses in gear and start doing things about crap like this. Rwanda is a great example, and what are they doing in Algeria? Nothing.

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