Zophar's Message Domain

Go Back   Zophar's Message Domain > General Chat > Talk of the Town

Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 02-26-2015, 12:31 AM   #1
king killa
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2002
Posts: 2,136
Default I present to you: Lobster Cowboy's Guide To Dating

After watching countless members of my sex fuck up, and get fucked up by women, I decided to put together this guide. My goal is to help my fellow man break the cycle, and take control of their dating lives. Believe me, I've been to all the places you've been to, and once tortured myself when it came to women. Those days are long over, and I date whoever the hell I want. I'll teach you how to get there, too.
CHAPTER 1 -- The Physical Factor
Guess what? Not everyone on earth is beautiful. I'm going to assume that the reader may or may not think they're attractive to the opposite sex. I'll go even further, and just assume that you aren't.
Big deal.
There are two classes of attractive women, and we'll focus on only one of them. The two classes of women are as follows:
There's one class that will only date beautiful men. These women are shallow and pointless, and you wouldn't want them anyway. Seriously. They're completely vapid and wastes of life. When you learn to recognize these women, you'll immediately know not to get involved, thus sparing you any heartache.
The second class of women are attractive, but are seeking other qualities. Sense of humour, kindness, money, power, fame, etc. These are the women you'll be trying to get. Among this class are the Catherine Zeta Jones' of the world, and Angelina Jolies. Look at their respective spouses or ex-spouses. Michael Douglas and Billy Bob Thorton won't be winning any beauty contests anytime soon.
For a great many women, looks are second or third on their list of requirements. It can go as far down as fourth. Most men fall into the average category, neither ugly, nor pretty. This is most likely you.
No matter your physical appearance, you can overcome certain deficiencies in a few simple ways. First and foremost, is to clean yourself up. Wear a clean shirt, shave, brush your hair/teeth, etc. This simple amount of grooming can improve your looks by as much as one or two levels.
What women want most in you is potential. If you come across as clean, they'll get the idea that they can make you even better. Women LOVE to spruce a man up.
However, there are a few exceptions to this rule, and it all has to do with your location. If you reside in a large city, e.g. New York, women will have a different expectation all together. They'll want you to already know how to dress, and fix your hair. In this case, pick up some fashion magazines, talk to women friends (assuming you have any), or watch Queer Eye.
CHAPTER 2 -- Don't Pine for Me, Argentina
Here's a quick questionnaire for you. It's only one question, so it won't take long. At this current time, is there a girl out there that you secretly love, and hope will become a girlfriend to you?
If the answer is yes, STOP RIGHT THERE.
Let it go. Right now. I'm not kidding.
To pine after a woman is a zero-sum game. You can never win. It's a waste of your short life.
"But she's my soul mate. I love her. It'll happen someday..."
No, it won't. If you're good friends with this girl, you've already failed.
There is a class of men (and you're probably one of them), that secretly pine away after a woman in their lives. They hang around this woman, hoping that one day she'll see how great you are, and fall in love.
And here's why.
Upon meeting a man, a woman knows withing the FIRST FOUR MINUTES whether or not she's going to date you. That's it. Once you become her friend, that's it. You're her friend. Was that what you were after? No? Then you fucked up.
This is the single hardest thing to accept in the process of your liberation, but it CAN, and MUST be done. It's very hard to let go of a woman you think you love. It's torturing. You keep hope that things will turn around.
But you need to understand this. It simply will not happen. There are BILLIONS of women out there, and the odds are strongly in your favor that there are more great women out there.
This is the most important step in your life, and you MUST take it. If you refuse to accept it, you have no need to read the rest of this guide. In fact, I urge you to become a shut in, never leaving your parents' basement.
CHAPTER 3 -- The Friendship Conundrum
Women always say that what they want in their man is a friend. A man who will be their best friend, who will be their compantion for all-time.
This is a woman's greatest lie.
Women want a Man. And Man is capitalized for a reason. If they were content with just friends, they wouldn't date at all. They'd hang out with their girlfriends all day long, never worrying about the opposite sex.
But they DO worry.
Because they want a Man. If you shape up, you could be one of them.
To be a Man is very simple, but so lazily disregarded by most males. It takes only a few easy steps:
Step 1: Listening. Do it for your woman. Women love to talk, even though you probably would rather they be quiet. Women talk. And talk. And talk. Pick up key words in what they say, and remember them. Repeating certain things later will give the illusion that you're listening.
There's listening, and there's being an easy cushion to land on. The key is learning to tell the difference.
Step 2: Taking control. Women, despite all their complaining about liberation, love when a man takes charge. Learning this step will separate you from the legions of man-boys roaming the social scene. Taking into account Step 1, you must make listening your CHOICE, not your obligation.
You've seen it a million times. A man is so in love with a woman, that he'll sit and listen to her jibber jabber without end, in the hopes that it will win her over. Sorry. What you're doing is putting her in the driver seat, allowing her to control what you are to her. When a woman is left in charge, she will almost always turn you in her FRIEND. Was that what you were after? Of course not.
If you're reading this, you're probably somewhat wishy-washy, and have this idea that women should be left to their own designs. You'd prefer to stay out of their way, rather than do something, and risk doing it wrong. This is BY FAR the wrong mentality, and it makes you look like a spineless fool.
Step 3: Confidence. NOT arrogance. Repeat that a few times until you understand it. Chances are, you're good at something. You might be smart, you might be artistic, you might be good at building shit. Maybe you can do lame card tricks.
The biggest problem for most men is wondering what they have to offer to the opposite sex. Once you start thinking that way, you're beyond doomed. The key is to go into any social situation KNOWING that you don't need anyone else. Confidence means you're not desperate, the single BIGGEST turn off to a woman.
Confidence means KNOWING you will continue to live if a woman doesn't want you. Once you believe this mentality, your world will shift, and the heavens will open.
CHAPTER 4 -- Applying the Steps
As we said in the previous chapter, women want a Man. A Man isn't desperate. A Man doesn't read into a woman's signals, wondering if she likes him or not. A man doesn't care about this woman at all. He could care less if she ever became his girlfriend. A Man can do without her, and probably WANTS to do without her.
A Man who adheres to that mentality will never become a woman's friend. Be taking control on the outset, he officially removes this option. Either he will become the woman's lover, or he won't. A Man will not enter into a wishy-washy relationship with a woman. He will be with her, or he won't. The end.
Remember, you don't need her. Seriously. You won't die if you don't get to go out with some woman. This is where taking control comes into play. If you can take care of yourself, a woman naturally assumes you can take care of her. This is a turn on. When you act like a floppy cock, you ARE a floppy cock, and she could care less about you.
A woman judges you all the time, and will always judge you, whether she's conscious of it or not. Women decide early on whether or not you will ever fuck them. If she puts you on the No list, it's over. You won't be her boyfriend, and you won't be her lover. You will only be her friend, and who wants that?
CHAPTER 5 -- Learn to Flirt
Flirting is the single greatest lost art in the realm of romance. People always want to cut to the fucking chase, and they ruin everything. Learning to flirt will take you to a level few men dare to go.
Most people have poor self-esteem, and women have it much worse. Turn on your TV, and see the images women have to contend with. Open a magazine. Look at a billboard. Have you found any ugly women yet? I didn't think so. Many women are cute, but can't compete with the Photoshopped wonders in media.
This is where you come in.
Learn to flirt. Learn to compliment. But make it real. BELIEVE in what you're telling them. There are good things about everyone, even the worst people. Find these, and exploit them.
As a personal policy, I flirt with ALL women, of all ages (above the legal limit, of course). Flirt with women you would never have sex with in sixty million years. Flirt with lesbians. Just fucking flirt.
Flirting works for two reasons. One, it's a great way to soften the edge of a woman. Two, it shows extreme confidence. When you flirt, it shows a woman that you notice her. It makes her feel special. Even if deep down they may think it's bullshit, your earnestness will convince them otherwise.
Many men eschew flirting because they think it means they're coming on too strong. To those men, I pity you to no end. You simply don't get it, and deserve to be alone.
Women want to feel wanted. They want to know that what they're doing is working. When women get dressed for the day, is she doing it for her own self gratification? Of course not. She's trying to put her best foot forward to the world. When you flirt with a woman, you're helping them to believe they've succeeded.
When I say wanted, I mean in all ways, including sexually. Women want to be noticed. They want to be thought of as sexy. When you flirt, it's like telling them, "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!"
So flirt, and flirt with every woman. No exceptions. Women from all walks love it, even if they know you don't want them. It's just assurance to them. Flirting doesn't mean that you want to fuck them. It's just proof that you're noticing them.
As far as flirting goes, be as real as possible, because a woman can smell a fake. If you flirt to get into her panties, you've failed already. If you flirt because it's your conscious choice to recognize her, you've won. There is a huge fucking difference between the two, so the sooner you figure it out, the better.
CHAPTER 6 -- Fuck Like a Champ
Sometimes a man will lack confidence because he doesn't think he can get the job done in bed. Many men come too fast, or lack any real technique. Unfortunately, this is a step that requires field practice, but you'll get there. Just remember a few basic things.
1. Take control of her in bed. Pretend you know what you're doing, even if you don't. If you start acting unsure in bed, she'll turn off faster than a broken light bulb.
2. Pay attention to her body. This is a woman, not an unfeeling object. Be firm, but be gentle until you know her preferences.
3. Don't fucking jackhammer. Don't do it. I can't stress this enough. Think of sex like you would the waves of the ocean. Make it flow.
4. Learn how to kiss. If you can kiss well, you can probably fuck well. Don't slobber. Be firm, but gentle. Be aware of your facial hair. If you have a five o'clock shadow, don't grind your face into hers. It will hurt. Learn how to tongue kiss properly. Like sex, it's all about the flow. The less you rush, the better the experience will be for her (and for you).
5. Learn how to touch her. Don't always go straight for her tits or ass. Pay attention to other important things, like her back, her thighs, and her shoulders. Also, when you DO touch her breasts, don't play with them. Caress them. Treat them as you would treat your own balls. They are NOT play things, and if you respect them, they will respect you.
6. Keep physical contact in sex. Sex isn't just your dick going in and out. Take control of her hips. Massage part of her body. Pay attention to her entire body, not just her vagina.
Hopefully this will be a good starting point for all you pathetic souls. You won't live forever, so if you'd like to actually enjoy the opposite sex, and enjoy your life, there's no time like the present.
Stop pining away after girls that clearly don't want you, and stop being "Mr. Friend". Be a Man. Women know what you want. Don't be an idiot. Take this advice to heart, and you will have success. Now stop reading this, and go flirt with some chicks.
king killa is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-26-2015, 12:38 AM   #2
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Posts: 1,489

Try not to choke on that red pill.
InVerse is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-26-2015, 12:56 AM   #3
king killa
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2002
Posts: 2,136

Sometimes things are what you make of them. I don't think it's overly Red Pill. Red Pill usually goes way further than saying that women like when men take charge, or that women lie about wanting a best friend as their lover.

It's only Red Pill if it is total bullshit, and I don't think much of this is.

Also, it's funny. And from like 12 years ago.
king killa is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-26-2015, 08:57 AM   #4
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 761

Holy crap, I actually remember this from way back when.
Edman is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-27-2015, 01:06 AM   #5
Regular Member
Sarz's Avatar
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: 420 State Of Euphoria
Posts: 34

Sarz is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-01-2015, 09:14 PM   #6
Senior Member
coolie's Avatar
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 4,943

Wow, I wrote this when I was a complete moron.
coolie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-22-2015, 04:26 AM   #7
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2003
Posts: 388

Well that was a pretty big throwback...

On another note, I'm pleasantly surprised that I got my password correct on the first try.
GeminiMan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-28-2015, 04:52 AM   #8
king killa
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2002
Posts: 2,136

king killa is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-29-2015, 02:04 AM   #9
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2003
Posts: 388

Hey, Killa! How are things?
GeminiMan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-07-2015, 11:49 AM   #10
Junior Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 28

Done pine for me, Argentina is quite like what we call "friendzoned" today
mumblejockey is offline   Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 07:03 PM.

Contact Us - Zophar's Domain - Archive - Top

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2021, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.