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Old 12-06-2006, 11:52 PM   #1
Danoz
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Default Am I totally out of line?

I told my girlfriend that I wouldn't be able to go to her sorority date party the thursday before exam week, because I was just too behind after catching the flu to give up an entire evening... she's totally not understanding about it, and while I expected her to be disapointed-- she's accusing me of "not wanting to go in the first place" and "not caring about her".... she kept saying, "why can't I have a boyfriend that wants to be with me".

Fuck it I don't know, I was pretending like I could take off an evening-- but I fucking haven't been sleeping and I'm so behind in Japanese for the final I feel like I'm playing cards with KGB and I'm down to a small stack of ones. I can only apologize so many times, and we got off the phone.

I feel like an asshole, I was ready to pretend that I could go and just try to take it in strides with all nighters into the final---- but she asked me if I had time, and I told her the truth.
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Old 12-07-2006, 12:18 AM   #2
SamIAm
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Default Re: Am I totally out of line?

That's some lame shit, and it sounds like you know it, too. People need to be respectful, sympathetic, and even compromising when they are part of a healthy relationship. She, on the other hand, is throwing a totally unnecessary fit for reasons I can only pessimistically speculate on. However you chose to play it from here out, just be firm on the fact that you haven't done anything wrong in this incident. Hell, if you weren't so beat from everything else, I bet you wouldn't even bother fretting over this. I mean, has she been planning earnestly on doing this with you for weeks and weeks? Was there some way you could have prepared for the end of the semester in advance so you could be free on this occasion?

I was going to say in your other thread, I too am going through some final exam hell in college right now. I'm expecting the final in my soil morphology class (*&#% generals) to kick my ass. It get's worse, though. I need to get transfer credit for a class I took during my foreign exchange last year, but the professor won't let it happen unless I take a special evaluation test (not normal practice). It won't be until the start of next semester, but it's reportedly going to take 5 hours, and I'll have to translate 10 pages worth of a Japanese novel from the late Meiji era. I'm going to have to study all break to take that on.

Good luck!
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Old 12-07-2006, 12:20 AM   #3
shawn
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Default Re: Am I totally out of line?

Here's what you do. Take her out. You then won't be distracted the entire week of study with this thought constantly on your mind. You also will be fresh after the break from studying. So take her ass out and forget your schoolwork and show her you care. <img src=smilies/cwm11.gif>
<P ID="signature">Get off your ass and do it because it isn't going to happen on it's own no matter how much you wish it would.</P>
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Old 12-07-2006, 12:25 AM   #4
Mikey
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Default Re: Am I totally out of line?

While it's pretty clear that you simply don't have the time, you have to be careful how you convey it to her.

If she's saying things like "I wish I had someone who wants to be with me", it could be indicative of some deeper worries going on in her outside of this one issue. So just make sure she knows that you really would go if you had the time. List all the things you have piled up on your to-do list, and let her come to the realization on her own that you just don't have the time.

You're trying to convince her that you enjoy being with her. You're not just trying to convince her that you don't have the time. Think of the bigger worry in her and try to soothe it.

But yeah... women are insane. It's like their vaginas go straight to their heads. It's definitely not something you did wrong.
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Old 12-07-2006, 12:35 AM   #5
shawn
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Default Re: Am I totally out of line?

> It's definitely not something you did wrong.

Then him basically telling her he'ld rather study then spend a romantic night with the woman he's having a relationship with is not totally missing the ball. At least that's what she probably heard and it's a reality to her and if he want's to be with her he has to fix that problem quickly, very quickly. Many young women have a tendency to do rash things at times like dump their boyfriends if they don't get some attention occasionally.


<P ID="signature">Get off your ass and do it because it isn't going to happen on it's own no matter how much you wish it would.</P>
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Old 12-07-2006, 02:08 AM   #6
Danoz
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Default Re: Am I totally out of line?

She's been planning this for a couple weeks, but I didn't plan on getting the flu and missing two sessions of Japanese (I'm sure you can sympathize). I need to focus on the final, because a lot of it is listening and translating, and a lot more of it is Kanji-based.
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Old 12-07-2006, 02:21 AM   #7
SamIAm
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Default Re: Am I totally out of line?

>Many young women have a tendency to do rash
> things at times like dump their boyfriends if they don't get
> some attention occasionally.
>

Do you really think she's only getting attention occasionally? I'm not asking this rhetorically - this is a factor that we don't really know about and probably should.

Look, Danoz, if you've been too busy for more than a couple weeks to pay her any real attention, and if you feel sure that she is genuinely doubting your love and intentions toward her, then maybe you need to take some time and do something special to prove yourself. I will admit that that's what you have to do sometimes, even if it's in the middle of finals week. And like I was saying, if this is something that she told you about a long time ago as being something very important to her, and if you could have done your preparations at an earlier time so that you didn't have to study now, you're stuck. edit: but if you were really sick like you said, it doesn't seem like you did anything wrong

On the other hand, if she's just throwing a little girly fit because her boy isn't coming to a social event with her, I would strongly recommend that you let it be. No matter how much you love a person, you have got to take care the things in your own life when the time comes. If you sacrifice things now, you will not only potentially miss out on good marks this semester, but you will open the doors for manipulation later on. Showing a woman you care is tremendously important, but so is standing your ground. Let this be a lesson for her on the way that things have to be sometimes. If you two are going to continue to be in a relationship, this is the kind of thing she has to learn to accept.

I've been in a similar situation before, actually. Finals week came last year, and I didn't see my girlfriend for about 10 days, even though we talked on the phone. She cried to me near the end, and I wrote her a love note to show her I cared. But she still accused me of disinterest, and I argued back with nothing but a calm, righteous, unwavering attitude. It worked. It will work for you, too.
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</P><P ID="edit"><FONT class="small">Edited by SamIAm on 12/06/06 10:24 PM.</FONT></P>
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Old 12-07-2006, 02:32 AM   #8
pipes
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Default Re: Am I totally out of line?

> Here's what you do. Take her out. You then won't be
> distracted the entire week of study with this thought
> constantly on your mind. You also will be fresh after the
> break from studying. So take her ass out and forget your
> schoolwork and show her you care.

I think this is the best idea, but also is a good time to ask her "WTF is all this never being with you shit?"
edit:"She's been planning this for a couple weeks" I didn't read this, you could have pissed her off with that because of it.
<P ID="signature">The pipes clangor all the time!</P><P ID="edit"><FONT class="small">Edited by pipes clangor on 12/06/06 10:35 PM.</FONT></P>
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Old 12-07-2006, 02:54 PM   #9
SunshinePanties
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Default Re: Am I totally out of line?

Sounds to me like you gave her the impression that you would go, and now you cant and you arent going about telling her in the best way.

if you tell someone you are going to be there and then something happens, regardless of how right you are (you do have a good reasons) it isnt nice to assume they understood that you just cant now. You still need to apologize that you cant go, and that you really wanted to go ..etc... you cant just do a 180. Dont go from "oh yes i will take you, im excited, and i like pony's" to "of course im not going? i was sick and now i need to STUDY..sheesh"... it just doesnt go over very well.
If you were kind about it and explained it to her (without her prompting), she would've been sad or upset for a bit, still not really blaming you and then gotten over it pretty quick. But because of a few easy to make mistakes it just got worse.

Your best bet is offering to go out for a set amount of time. For example go along the lines of "I was sick, I need to catch up.. but you are very important to me, and i didnt mean to blow you off. I still need to study but id like to make it up to you by ..." Even if its not taking her to that thing she wanted you to go to... but something like a nice dinner, a homemade dinner, a romantic thing like a bubble bath with some wine and strawberries.. it sounds gay, but its nice and you would relax a little too. Going to a party right now might not be a wise decision anyway.... your relationship needs some personal time, with your mind only focused on her.

of course i might be completely wrong..

And it would be a terrible idea to follow this advice:

"Let this be a lesson for her on the way that things have to be sometimes. If you two are going to continue to be in a relationship, this is the kind of thing she has to learn to accept. "
A lesson? you couldve said that with a little more care. Everyone needs to learn that they are number 1 to themselves. Until you have a child. but that was a terrible way to say that. Communication is very important right now, putting her in her place isnt. Try doing this and it will result in a not so happy girlfriend, and i wouldnt be surprised if she left you. Being firm about how you feel about things and calmly explaining that you DO love her and that you need to do this will work.. but telling her calmly that your needs are more important then yours will only back her theory of uninterest.


Serena


P.S. Sorry about the grammar. I just don't give a shit.
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Old 12-07-2006, 08:23 PM   #10
icenine0
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Default Re: Am I totally out of line?

The short, short version:

A girlfriend will want (need?) to be priority alpha in your life. If she feels like she's not, then she'll be threatened and will need to reassert her position.

Show her she's number one again sometime soon.
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