The funny link/joke/image repository

[shawn]

Originally Posted by Maximum Potion

Hahahahaha I just read 83 of them...

"Don't use too much red, our tests show that red downloads slower."

I'm up around 200 now and there are a lot of similar ones but once in a while there's still a real good quote.

[The 9th Sage]

Heh, that site looks amusing...I'll have to read through it too.

[shawn]

Men always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!


1 - Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

1 - Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

1 - Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1 - Don’t cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you’re stuck with her.

1 - Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1 - Crying is blackmail.

1 - Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints don’t do it!

1 - We don’t remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1 - Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1 - Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1 - Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1 - A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1 - Check your oil! Please.

1 - Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1 - If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. We refuse to answer.

1 - If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1 - Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it’s genetic.

1 - You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1 - Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1 - Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1 - The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it and quit whining to your girlfriends.

1 - ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1 - If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1 - We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1 - If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1 - If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1 - When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1 - Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the offside rule, investments or cars.

1 - You have enough clothes.

1 - You have too many shoes.

1 - Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it’s Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn’t really matter what the hell they’re saying anyway.)

1 - It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn’t matter which quiz.

1 - BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1 - I’m in shape. ROUND is a shape.



Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.

[Lillymon]

I feel compelled to answer some of these.

Originally Posted by shawn

1 - Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

This is not true. I haven't stood up to urinate in anything that wasn't a urinal for about five years now. I don't see the point. More distance = Greater chance of missing = Greater chance of me getting urine all over my shoes and/or clothes.

Originally Posted by shawn

1 - Don’t cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you’re stuck with her.

OK, I agree with this. Short hair can be attractive, but the chances are better with long hair.

Originally Posted by shawn

1 - Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

I've actually always liked shopping, so I guess I'll never get this.

Originally Posted by shawn

1 - We don’t remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

But do bear in mind that if you get your request and still manage to forget, your wife/girlfriend has the God-given right to be as apocalyptically cross as she damn well wants.

Originally Posted by shawn

1 - Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Indeed.

Originally Posted by shawn

1 - Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

I'm not really good at the sympathy thing either. I feel sorry for the person, but they want me to say something, and my mind is completely blank.

Originally Posted by shawn

1 - Check your oil! Please.

Isn't that what the oil warning light is for? So the car can tell me and I can find someone who knows anything about how cars work? I hate getting my hands dirty.

Originally Posted by shawn

1 - Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

Much though I know you'd like this to be true, you don't get to decide this one.

Originally Posted by shawn

1 - If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. We refuse to answer.

Smart decision.

Originally Posted by shawn

1 - Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

PVRs are going to kill off verbal communication between spouses entirely within 20 years if current trends continue.

Originally Posted by shawn

1 - Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

What the fuck? He went looking for India and ended up finding America. No one else in history was in greater need of directions.

Originally Posted by shawn

1 - ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

Wrong.

As it turns out, the truth is that men see an infinite amount of colours. Then call them all 'Penis'.

Originally Posted by shawn

1 - If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

This does seem unfair. I know the sort of looks you'd give a woman scratching in those areas.

Originally Posted by shawn

1 - We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

This is my motto when shopping. I'm very good at just going out, and getting exactly what is on the list. But if any item on that list is vague, then it is the fault of the person who made the list if I come home with the wrong item.

I mean, what is 'small potatoes'. New potatoes? They're small. But it probably refers to the overall volume. But what is 'small'? A bag a potatoes that I'd consider medium-sized may be what 'small' is to the writer of this. But if not, then I've just wasted money and energy buying too much...

BE SPECIFIC.

Originally Posted by shawn

1 - If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

I've nothing personally to say here, but this does remind me about when Cless of Phantasian Productions told the forum how much difficulty he was having editing Mint's lines because she was so vague, and undefined, and said stuff like "No, it's nothing" a lot.

Originally Posted by shawn

1 - If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

I could teach John McCain a lot about the Straight Talk Express. Damn flip-flopper doesn't know anything about it...

Originally Posted by shawn

1 - Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the offside rule, investments or cars.

I get the impression most of the time a woman asks this and the man says "You", both sides know it's the most obvious lie ever, but keep the illusion intact anyway.

Never try that with me, unless you're in the mood to start an argument about what a dirty fucking liar you are.

Originally Posted by shawn

1 - You have enough clothes.

Don't blame women, blame the constantly changing world of fashion made primarily to convince women that clothes they bought not even a month ago are now the sort of thing only an idiot would be seen alive or dead in.

...

On the other hand, you would have be an idiot to believe that sort of shit.

...

Actually, on second thoughts, go ahead and blame them.

Originally Posted by shawn

1 - You have too many shoes.

I recently bought two pair of shoes that say "You can never have too many shoes" on them. Can you guess what the first thing that came to mind when I saw what was?

Imelda Marcos.

Originally Posted by shawn

1 - Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it’s Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn’t really matter what the hell they’re saying anyway.)

My favourite film ever is City of God, which is a Brazilian film what I watched with English subtitles. It's hardly the only foreign film I've seen either (Oldboy, I'm a Cyborg, Y tu mamá también, Amelie, Run Lola Run). If you eschew them because of the fact that you need to read the subtitles, then you're missing out on a veritable goldmine of stunning film-making.

I'm not even counting the anime, because it really doesn't feel foreign any more.

Originally Posted by shawn

1 - It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn’t matter which quiz.

Especially if it's about your attitudes towards foreign cinema.

Originally Posted by shawn

1 - BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

No.

Originally Posted by shawn

1 - I’m in shape. ROUND is a shape.

You may be thinking this, but I'm pretty sure what you'd actually say would be rather different.

Jesus Christ this is long.

[InVerse]

Originally Posted by Lillymon

Isn't that what the oil warning light is for? So the car can tell me and I can find someone who knows anything about how cars work? I hate getting my hands dirty.

No. If the oil light comes on, you're already in trouble. By trouble, I mean if you don't stop the car immediately, you'll probably destroy the engine.

Checking the oil shouldn't require you to dirty your hands. All you have to do is pull out the dipstick and see if the oil is between the min & max lines. If it's below the minimum line, then pour some oil in. I'm not terribly adept with my hands but I can do all of this with very little mess without even using a funnel. (My vehicle has over 200,000 miles on it, so it tends to need an extra quart of oil between changes.)

[shawn]

Lillymon, you do realize I just copied and pasted this list from a humor site? This is also the ZD joke and funny image page.

[Shadow]

Warning! This post may contain confusing long describing sentences. I have tried to write as clear as possible for the girls. For men the short version: the list is accurate enough to understand.

Originally Posted by Lillymon

I've actually always liked shopping, so I guess I'll never get this.

It's not so much shopping but the fact that we don't know what to do in woman only fashion shops. One such shop per shopping trip is something most guys can handle. Another one is still ok. But girls tend to get a real shopping mall rage. For us this is the most torturing thing possible.
We can't just escape, we get burning feet after 4-6 hour non stop odyssey through almost EVERY shop available, where no shop has any place for waiting men to sit and rest.

You girls seem to perfectly ignore any health signals coming from your body except the sweat which might ruin your style... or you are just tougher in this. I might say this is something genetic. When men were about to hunt they had to spare their energy to use it in the right moment and catch the prey. Women used their energy constantly to collect herbs, fruits and so on... for hours.

We are not born for shopping tours. We can't remember all dresses you have seen in the shops. We can't even remember the names..

But that's not all. Everything works well until the moment when you girls take on your most impressive look to convince us to buy something for you.
It doesn't matter why you ask. It's the fact that you ask us in our personal hell to do you a favour we didn't expect. We never expect it - we fear it. And we don't take much money with us, just enough to have this expensive meal or drink they offer us in the restaurants - The one moment we have to use our energy. And until this point we don't want to spend the hard earned money on anything other than that.

The most common suggestion by girls is: "Oh my dear. You could go and find something for you, too (but pay it with your own money, of course). It's fun, honey (for me, you won't disturb me and get the illusion of having something to do)".

If you remember: we didn't want to go shopping in the first place. It's nothing relaxing, nothing challenging, no big prey (the new car/house/TV...), no glory...

Oh yes. We don't hate you just because of the fact we don't want to follow you into the deeper dungeons of the mall. We want to stay in the "safe spots" like a bar, where we can wait until we are really needed.

If there were a cinema or just a TV showing sports or just anything where we can sit and wait - be sure we are happy, relaxed and don't stress you with uncomfortable answers to intriguing questions like :"what do you think of this, isn't it beautiful?".

We will just never ever share the same enthusiasm in shopping with you. It's nothing personal. We are just not capable of doing so. You can ask us to buy a new car or house or TV and we will deliver excellent reports with all technical facts, pros and contras, prices, comparisons etc. This is just more natural for us. Planning the big deal, preparing, investigating and finally making the deal perfect.

Originally Posted by Lillymon

But do bear in mind that if you get your request and still manage to forget, your wife/girlfriend has the God-given right to be as apocalyptically cross as she damn well wants.

We always have to remember millions of things. And these dates are recurring every year. Sure it hurts but it's definitely not the end of the world.
Sometimes it looks like girls just wait for this special moment to get a reason for letting out all the hidden frustrations and punch down their partner with a straight knock out as a revenge for all the little issues which happened all over the year.

Originally Posted by Lillymon

I mean, what is 'small potatoes'. New potatoes? They're small. But it probably refers to the overall volume. But what is 'small'? A bag a potatoes that I'd consider medium-sized may be what 'small' is to the writer of this. But if not, then I've just wasted money and energy buying too much...

BE SPECIFIC.

Point. But why don't you read the list before you go shopping? You could ask about the suspicious looking items. We guys just tend to write as short as possible. Sometimes we also don't know how to describe what we want in list form because we have no clue what's the real name.

Originally Posted by Lillymon

My favourite film ever is City of God, which is a Brazilian film what I watched with English subtitles. It's hardly the only foreign film I've seen either (Oldboy, I'm a Cyborg, Y tu mamá también, Amelie, Run Lola Run). If you eschew them because of the fact that you need to read the subtitles, then you're missing out on a veritable goldmine of stunning film-making.

I'm not even counting the anime, because it really doesn't feel foreign any more.

Well... I've seen many films.. too many. True. There are really good films all over the world. But true is also that most films fail to impress. So if more than 90% of all films are crap - why should you even try to watch them with subtitles if you can just watch the films of your own country where you clearly know whats good and whats trash?
If you get a hint for a really awesome foreign film then it's something different. This counts into "insider info". This is something special so worth a try. Oh yes... the films you mentioned are good. Indeed.

Originally Posted by Lillymon

Jesus Christ this is long.

Yes it is.

[shawn]

Just saw this video when I was using Stumbleupon and it's pretty funny. It's a video showing what Facebook would be like if it was real and not just on the internet. Really pretty funny video.

http://www.geeksaresexy.net/2010/06/...al-life-video/

[Lillymon]

Originally Posted by shawn

Lillymon, you do realize I just copied and pasted this list from a humor site? This is also the ZD joke and funny image page.

Yes, and I honestly didn't not intend for it to be quite that long. I actually cut it down a bit. Evidently not enough. But I'd already written it by the time I realized that, and it seemed a pity to not post it after all that effort...

[shawn]

Originally Posted by Lillymon

But I'd already written it by the time I realized that, and it seemed a pity to not post it after all that effort...

Now I've been there before so I can't fault you for that and it puts it totally in perspective.