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Old 02-26-2002, 09:27 AM   #1
Octocrook
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Default Octo Diary 1

This will be for Monday even though it's Tuesday morning :P

Monday....my Speech/Stat/Calculus day in college. Speech was certainly interesting...in some good and bad ways. One dude gave a speech on mullets. That was fuckin hilarious. Some of the other speeches were cool too. A hot ass chick whom I didn't notice before gave her speech today. That puts the babe total in that class at about 9. in a 32 person class, that ain't bad. Anyways, the bad part was the last speech. A guy who speaks femininely (he sounds gay but I wouldn't be too sure) gave a speech on Brazilian waxing (the removing-hair waxing). I heard some people nearby me sorta giggling to each other and looking at each other kinda like "haha he's gay" type of look. On my way back to my car from that class, I started thinking...what would be the levels of deviant behavior?

I came up with a 1-5 scale.
1means widely accepted (dyed hair, piercings, and tattoos in most of California)

2 means viewed as different but not bad (different religions)

3 means views as very different and possibly thought uneasily about (I would say gays and lesbians fall into this category for probably over half the US population now...might be uneasy thinking about them, but that's about it)

4 means abhorred by society (pedophilia)

5 means unthinkable in reality (cannibalism and necrophilia are 2 things not really thought by people to realistically happen until it does happen)

Obviously, peoples views on where certain deviancy falls obviously varies with each person. The gigglers in the class fall between a 3 and 4 on their thoughts about gays whereas I would either be a 1 or 2 because my sis is a lesbian and I've known and liked lots of gays and lesbians, hence my dissatisfaction toward the giggling. A racist person would be a 3 or 4 toward the race they hate (3 would be a silent dislike of them, 4 an outward and probably violent dislike of them). There are some givens though. A 5 is by definition almost unthinkable in reality. Pedophilia happens so often in the US that it's impossible for it to be a 5 to anyone here, whereas cannibalism or necrophilia hardly ever happens here. The fact that cannibalism is in the popular movies with Hannibal the Cannibal is a moot point, because it's unthinkable in reality to most people despite that movie.

Anyways, Stats and Calculus were boring, even though I'm highly fascinated by Calculus. I had no idea that slope would be an important part of math. Apparently, area will also be important (I looked ahead at integrals).

I had probably more sexual thoughts today than I have had in a while. I found myself staring at this one gorgeous babe in my Calc class more than I was looking at the teacher lecturing. I would have to say that most men, including me, have a habit of undressing hot women with our eyes pretty much all the time. I see it as a bad habit, some guys would see it as a good habit. Nonetheless, loneliness is creeping up on me again. I simply haven't felt willed to ask a girl out for about 2 years now. It's kind of scary because I don't feel it letting up at all. Part of it is because I feel unattractive, physically and personalitywise. I have few stories to tell...my life is relatively boring in comparison to the next man.

Anyways, I played more chess tonight. Lately (as in the past year or so), I only play chess when I feel like I'm losing. I play it to feel like I'm winning, but in nights like tonight where I end the night in a losing streak, it doesn't help at all. I remember a line from the movie Cool Runnings (John Candy's last movie) in which Candy says *something along these lines* "if you're no good without a gold medal, you won't be any good with one" in reference to his getting his team a 3rd gold medal by cheating in his past. I can relate to that, because even when I'm winning at these trivial games I play, I'm not really winning at all. Even when I'm winning, it's never good enough. I could win 1000 games of chess in a row, lose 1 and would get incredibly angry and forget I won the 1000 games. I don't even know what I'd call it.....maybe foolish competitiveness. All I know is I got it from my father.

Undoubtedly before I fall asleep, I will think more about girls and sex. I feel like I'm 16 and everyone else in the world is 19 and past my realm of thought. I can't comprehend what they are all thinking, and they don't care to know what I'm thinking. I find myself eagerly awaiting my best friend's return from his 3 year long stay in Florida this May, if only to have someone who can understand the mesh of 10-year-old and 30-year-old thoughts that swirl inside my head. That and we have so many inside jokes that we both crack up everytime we talk to each other. I miss that kind of stuff. I can't shoot the shit with anyone anymore. My humor has split from regular humor, so most of what I find funny others find offcolor. Oh well...goodnight me.

-Steve

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Old 02-26-2002, 01:10 PM   #2
puduhead
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Default Re: Octo Diary 1

> I had probably more sexual thoughts today than I have had in
> a while. I found myself staring at this one gorgeous babe
> in my Calc class more than I was looking at the teacher
> lecturing. I would have to say that most men, including me,
> have a habit of undressing hot women with our eyes pretty
> much all the time. I see it as a bad habit, some guys would
> see it as a good habit. Nonetheless, loneliness is creeping
> up on me again. I simply haven't felt willed to ask a girl
> out for about 2 years now. It's kind of scary because I
> don't feel it letting up at all. Part of it is because I
> feel unattractive, physically and personalitywise. I have
> few stories to tell...my life is relatively boring in
> comparison to the next man.

Damn dude! At the very least, you've got an attractive personality. I'll leave the looks comments to someone else tho'.


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Old 02-26-2002, 04:03 PM   #3
Octocrook
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Default Re: Octo Diary 1

> > I had probably more sexual thoughts today than I have had
> in
> > a while. I found myself staring at this one gorgeous babe
>
> > in my Calc class more than I was looking at the teacher
> > lecturing. I would have to say that most men, including
> me,
> > have a habit of undressing hot women with our eyes pretty
> > much all the time. I see it as a bad habit, some guys
> would
> > see it as a good habit. Nonetheless, loneliness is
> creeping
> > up on me again. I simply haven't felt willed to ask a
> girl
> > out for about 2 years now. It's kind of scary because I
> > don't feel it letting up at all. Part of it is because I
> > feel unattractive, physically and personalitywise. I have
>
> > few stories to tell...my life is relatively boring in
> > comparison to the next man.
>
> Damn dude! At the very least, you've got an attractive
> personality. I'll leave the looks comments to someone else
> tho'.
>

It's not so much my basic personality. It's my interpersonal personality. I've almost lost my ability to carry on a good conversation with someone I don't know. When I was 16 I could do it easily. It just kinda illustrates how downhill it's gone since then. Granted I'm not really trying to better the situation, so I really shouldn't whine at all, but it still pops in my head a lot. For now, I'll continue to concentrate on college. If I manage to get straight As this semester, between Calc, programming, and speech, it will hopefully boost enough confidence in me to be more interpersonal. Then comes the friends, then comes the money, then comes the chicks...lol j/k

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