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Old 03-14-2002, 08:01 AM   #1
Octocrook
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Default An ironically humorous day

Keep in mind, I don't particularly mean humorous in a good way, although it's hard to tell whether today was good or bad.

Anyways, the meat of the day was after speech class, at around 2:30. I was gonna tutor a girl in my Statistics class. I didn't know which girl...all I knew was that she sat in the front row, which was kind of a funny clue cuz the hottest and the ugliest girls sit in the front row. Anyways, I got to the library at college where we were meeting, and was like awestruck. She was GORGEOUS!

So...we go up to one of the floors of the library where we can talk so that I could tutor her. It didn't occur to me that I probably should have at least looked a little through the book before tutoring...there was some stuff I didn't know that I should have, like if there's P(N) with a line over the N it means P(not N). There was also some of the hard formulas that I didn't know. I'm not sure if I seemed dumb, or if she was too math illiterate to notice how dumb I was. Anyways, time flew (about 2 hours). We had some smalltalk during the whole thing, but it wasn't anything special. The funny thing about it was that it almost felt like we were just studying Stats together, but I had said at the beginning that I "guess $5 would be ok", so at the end when she gave me $5, I felt bad about it. It's funny in itself though cuz right now I'm sorta broke, cuz I haven't turned in my timesheet for like 3 weeks, so that $5 was my dinner tonight, and I'm broke again, hehehe.

Anyways, 5 pm comes around...Stats class starts, the testing begins...and guess what happens? Some of these formulas I didn't really know show up on 3 of the 5 problems. Chances are I got a D or an F on the test, cuz I was too foolish not to make a 3x5 notecard with the formulas, whereas the girl (Sara) did. So regardless of whether my tutoring helped her or not, she probably did better than me on the test...and I'm supposed to be better at math! Funny but not good.

Also, calculus was boring as usual, and I found out that I fucked up bigtime on a problem on our last test...he gave us the key but hadn't graded our tests yet, and I found out that I mistook one process (finding dy/dx of an equation with y's and x's) with the first step of that process (implied differentiation). So I only did step 1 of a 3 or 4 step problem. Basically, I'm feeling mathematically shitty after tonight, yet I've never felt more happy toward programming after Tuesday...we're supposed to make a class that aids with computing various operations involving fractions, and I almost completely finished it in that hour of labtime, and was having fun doing it. That's a nice turn around from the last few weeks where I couldn't even concentrate in the lab.

So now it's at the end of the day...I just don't know what to think. Sara was a cool chick and freakin gorgeous, but something tells me that today wasn't a key into friendship or anything. Maybe if I was good looking it would be different, but I know that I have to work harder toward getting girls because I'm not good looking.

Actually, that made me realize something...I think the ultimate subconscious reason why I couldn't keep myself exercising on the bike was because I know that fat or thin, my face won't loko all that much better. I'll always have a huge head, big nose, fucked up teeth, glasses (well, I'm considering laser surgery, but I can't afford it yet), and that "weird" aura that seems to make people treat me as if I'm a "laugh at" funny person. Nothing pains me more than when I feel like someone is thinking of me like they would a dog, like I'm there to amuse them, like I don't have a life or a mind. Sometimes I roll with it, because sometimes people are like that in more of a playful manner rather than demeaning manner. Example: In 1st year of Spanish, we had a group project...to make a commercial in Spanish. I had 2 girls in my group. One of them already had in mind what she wanted to do and the other girl and I were pretty much passive, so we went with her idea. I won't go into it, but in the end my character in the commercial is a fuckin weird ass freak. I mean it was one of those things where I think she wanted to do it just to see me make an ass of myself, but after a bit of disliking it, I just sorta gave in and was like "well, people will find it funny, so may as well do it". I think she was just doing it for the sake of humor.

A week ago, we had little group presentation speeches in Speech class. I don't think my first speech in there (the one about MIDI) went over very well in coolness. Anyways, I was intentionally absent the class before, so I had no idea we had to do the group presentation. The teacher said I could join whichever group I wanted, so I put myself into a group of about 7 guys, a few of which had funny first speeches. I just wanted to be in a funny group. Anyways, one of the guys in the group was kind of an asshole. He was among those who was silently snickering at the effeminate dude who talked about Brazilian waxing (maybe I should thank him for inspiring me to think about the DBC scale).

Anyways, during our discussion about the speech, he said a couple snide remarks about me that he probably thought I wouldn't get or something...it didn't really matter except I basically knew that he didn't think too highly of me. Anyways, we ultimately decided to do the speech on why everyone should move to Sweden (we had a Swedish guy in our group). He said that I should do one of the testimonials, saying that I had all sorts of STDs and that American women wouldn't touch me, but after moving to Sweden, the STDs magically went away and I had sex with all sorts of hot women. It felt exactly like the Spanish commercial, except I knew he was doing it to watch me pretty much make an ass of myself. Once again, for the sake of humor, I didn't care, but still, I felt like shit after that day. Just because I'm fat, not too good looking, and act a little weird, people think they can fuck with my dignity and I won't notice.

I'm too fuckin nice for my own good...I've let people take advantage of me all throughout my life just because I hate provocations. I need a Fight Club or somethin. My self confidence is almost shot beyond repair, thanks to growing up with my mom. I would never wish my mom to raise my worst enemy in their childhood...I basically raised myself, except that I absorbed the negativity my mom kept hitting me with.

I guess I'll leave it at that.

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Old 03-14-2002, 12:37 PM   #2
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Default Re: An ironically humorous day

A piece of advice, Octo: Not everyone is so blind that they cannot see inside. Time has a way of working things out. I know. Hang in there.

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Old 03-14-2002, 03:13 PM   #3
icenine0
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Default Stupid implicit differentiation!

<blockquote><font class="small">In reply to:</font><hr>


Also, calculus was boring as usual, and I found out that I fucked up bigtime on a problem on our last test...he gave us the key but hadn't graded our tests yet, and I found out that I mistook one process (finding dy/dx of an equation with y's and x's) with the first step of that process (implied differentiation). So I only did step 1 of a 3 or 4 step problem. Basically, I'm feeling mathematically shitty after tonight, yet I've never felt more happy toward programming after Tuesday...we're supposed to make a class that aids with computing various operations involving fractions, and I almost completely finished it in that hour of labtime, and was having fun doing it. That's a nice turn around from the last few weeks where I couldn't even concentrate in the lab.


<hr></blockquote>

Damn those! I forget the y', I differentiate y as a constant [dy/dx( y*x ) = y], and screwz0r it up! NEVER AGAIN!

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Old 03-14-2002, 03:51 PM   #4
icenine0
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Default My experience.

> Once again, for the sake of humor, I didn't care, but still, I felt
> like shit after that day. Just because I'm fat, not too good
> looking, and act a little weird, people think they can fuck with
> my dignity and I won't notice.

Over the years, I've been at constant war with my emotions. I've tried to observe them, counter them, deny them, attack them... All to no success. In fact, such measures only plunged me into depression and anguish, as I couldn't enjoy life with all my attention focused on being pure of mind.

Eventually, I realized that my emotions aren't my enemy, but my ally. They're an excellent quick response system, prodding my mind in an appropriate direction instantaneously. A kid takes my cookie, I'm angry, get the cookie back it says. A friend betrays me, I'm sad and disillusioned, don't make the same mistake again it informs me.

Now, I've found something that I think may help you: my guidance system hates nothing more than being misinterpreted or denied. If my emotions are screaming for retaliation against an insult, and I back down, then they'll give me hell for it later. Of course, sometimes, it's not easy to figure out what my emotions are demanding, and in those cases I just have to experiment until I find a solution that my rational mind agrees with. If you felt like shit that day, I think it's safe to assume that your backing down was against your instincts. So next time, try sticking up for yourself. [img]/wwwthreads/images/icons/laugh.gif[/img]

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Old 03-14-2002, 08:27 PM   #5
Isildur
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Default Re: An ironically humorous day

> Actually, that made me realize something...I think the
> ultimate subconscious reason why I couldn't keep myself
> exercising on the bike was because I know that fat or thin,
> my face won't loko all that much better. I'll always have a
> huge head, big nose, fucked up teeth, glasses (well, I'm
> considering laser surgery, but I can't afford it yet), and
> that "weird" aura that seems to make people treat me as if
> I'm a "laugh at" funny person. Nothing pains me more than
> when I feel like someone is thinking of me like they would a
> dog, like I'm there to amuse them, like I don't have a life
> or a mind. Sometimes I roll with it, because sometimes
> people are like that in more of a playful manner rather than
> demeaning manner.

I hope you weren't insulted by Alex's and my use of your head in those animations...

(Btw, something I had assumed, perhaps wrongly, was that you liked looking kind of different, what with the hairdyes and all.)

> Example: In 1st year of Spanish, we had a
> group project...to make a commercial in Spanish. I had 2
> girls in my group. One of them already had in mind what she
> wanted to do and the other girl and I were pretty much
> passive, so we went with her idea. I won't go into it, but
> in the end my character in the commercial is a fuckin weird
> ass freak. I mean it was one of those things where I think
> she wanted to do it just to see me make an ass of myself,
> but after a bit of disliking it, I just sorta gave in and
> was like "well, people will find it funny, so may as well do
> it". I think she was just doing it for the sake of humor.
>
> A week ago, we had little group presentation speeches in
> Speech class. I don't think my first speech in there (the
> one about MIDI) went over very well in coolness. Anyways, I
> was intentionally absent the class before, so I had no idea
> we had to do the group presentation. The teacher said I
> could join whichever group I wanted, so I put myself into a
> group of about 7 guys, a few of which had funny first
> speeches. I just wanted to be in a funny group. Anyways,
> one of the guys in the group was kind of an asshole. He was
> among those who was silently snickering at the effeminate
> dude who talked about Brazilian waxing (maybe I should thank
> him for inspiring me to think about the DBC scale).
>
> Anyways, during our discussion about the speech, he said a
> couple snide remarks about me that he probably thought I
> wouldn't get or something...it didn't really matter except I
> basically knew that he didn't think too highly of me.
> Anyways, we ultimately decided to do the speech on why
> everyone should move to Sweden (we had a Swedish guy in our
> group). He said that I should do one of the testimonials,
> saying that I had all sorts of STDs and that American women
> wouldn't touch me, but after moving to Sweden, the STDs
> magically went away and I had sex with all sorts of hot
> women. It felt exactly like the Spanish commercial, except
> I knew he was doing it to watch me pretty much make an ass
> of myself. Once again, for the sake of humor, I didn't
> care, but still, I felt like shit after that day. Just
> because I'm fat, not too good looking, and act a little
> weird, people think they can fuck with my dignity and I
> won't notice.
>

You need to start saying no, or tell the other guy that it's a great idea but you think he'd fit the role better.

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Old 03-14-2002, 08:55 PM   #6
Octocrook
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Default Re: Stupid implicit differentiation!

> In reply to:
> Also, calculus was boring as usual, and I found out that I
> fucked up bigtime on a problem on our last test...he gave us
> the key but hadn't graded our tests yet, and I found out
> that I mistook one process (finding dy/dx of an equation
> with y's and x's) with the first step of that process
> (implied differentiation). So I only did step 1 of a 3 or 4
> step problem. Basically, I'm feeling mathematically shitty
> after tonight, yet I've never felt more happy toward
> programming after Tuesday...we're supposed to make a class
> that aids with computing various operations involving
> fractions, and I almost completely finished it in that hour
> of labtime, and was having fun doing it. That's a nice turn
> around from the last few weeks where I couldn't even
> concentrate in the lab.
>
>
> Damn those! I forget the y', I differentiate y as a constant
> [dy/dx( y*x ) = y], and screwz0r it up! NEVER AGAIN!
>

I knew I used the wrong word...implied, lol. Yea...he said solve for dy/dx and all I did was the implicit differentiation step. So my "final answer" was like 2yy'-3y'+6x+5 or somethin like that, when I was supposed to solve for y', lol.

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Old 03-14-2002, 09:08 PM   #7
Octocrook
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Default Re: An ironically humorous day

> I hope you weren't insulted by Alex's and my use of your
> head in those animations...

No way dude. Humor is humor...I found them hilarious! Keep in mind that there's always a part of me that looks back at my times of dyed hair and laughs just at the fact that I did it.

> (Btw, something I had assumed, perhaps wrongly, was that you
> liked looking kind of different, what with the hairdyes and
> all.)

I didn't dye my hair to look different...I did it because I thought it would look good. I suppose I could say it was entirely a selfish thing...I really didn't care what other people thought of it. I did like it when others liked it, but I was doing it because I thought I would like it, and I did. If I were to get piercings, that would be to look different, except maybe for tongue...I would want tongue stud or rod for something to play around with when I'm bored, LOL.

Also keep in mind that my self image changes with the wind. One second, I think I look good. The next second, I think I look repulsive. It's all part of low self-confidence.

> > Example: In 1st year of Spanish, we had a
> > group project...to make a commercial in Spanish. I had 2
> > girls in my group. One of them already had in mind what
> she
> > wanted to do and the other girl and I were pretty much
> > passive, so we went with her idea. I won't go into it,
> but
> > in the end my character in the commercial is a fuckin
> weird
> > ass freak. I mean it was one of those things where I
> think
> > she wanted to do it just to see me make an ass of myself,
> > but after a bit of disliking it, I just sorta gave in and
> > was like "well, people will find it funny, so may as well
> do
> > it". I think she was just doing it for the sake of humor.
>
> >
> > A week ago, we had little group presentation speeches in
> > Speech class. I don't think my first speech in there (the
>
> > one about MIDI) went over very well in coolness. Anyways,
> I
> > was intentionally absent the class before, so I had no
> idea
> > we had to do the group presentation. The teacher said I
> > could join whichever group I wanted, so I put myself into
> a
> > group of about 7 guys, a few of which had funny first
> > speeches. I just wanted to be in a funny group. Anyways,
>
> > one of the guys in the group was kind of an asshole. He
> was
> > among those who was silently snickering at the effeminate
> > dude who talked about Brazilian waxing (maybe I should
> thank
> > him for inspiring me to think about the DBC scale).
> >
> > Anyways, during our discussion about the speech, he said a
>
> > couple snide remarks about me that he probably thought I
> > wouldn't get or something...it didn't really matter except
> I
> > basically knew that he didn't think too highly of me.
> > Anyways, we ultimately decided to do the speech on why
> > everyone should move to Sweden (we had a Swedish guy in
> our
> > group). He said that I should do one of the testimonials,
>
> > saying that I had all sorts of STDs and that American
> women
> > wouldn't touch me, but after moving to Sweden, the STDs
> > magically went away and I had sex with all sorts of hot
> > women. It felt exactly like the Spanish commercial,
> except
> > I knew he was doing it to watch me pretty much make an ass
>
> > of myself. Once again, for the sake of humor, I didn't
> > care, but still, I felt like shit after that day. Just
> > because I'm fat, not too good looking, and act a little
> > weird, people think they can fuck with my dignity and I
> > won't notice.
> >
>
> You need to start saying no, or tell the other guy that it's
> a great idea but you think he'd fit the role better.
>

I think there's a time and place to fight that kind of thing, and that wasn't it. I was sort of in a state of bewilderment to begin with...walking into class, then finding out you have to do a speech before the hour is up = not good. I wasn't even in the mood for thinking let alone speaking. I know it sounds like I'm making excuses, but I don't really think I could have solved the problem that time. I just set it aside, and when the time came for me to say my part of the speech, I went all out and made everyone bust up laughing. A small part of me wants to be an actor...I think I get it from my father, who used to be one. Anyways, I don't feel too bad about it now, but that day I didn't feel too great.

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Old 03-14-2002, 09:11 PM   #8
Octocrook
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Join Date: May 2001
Posts: 4,664
Default Re: My experience.

> > Once again, for the sake of humor, I didn't care, but
> still, I felt
> > like shit after that day. Just because I'm fat, not too
> good
> > looking, and act a little weird, people think they can
> fuck with
> > my dignity and I won't notice.
>
> Over the years, I've been at constant war with my emotions.
> I've tried to observe them, counter them, deny them, attack
> them... All to no success. In fact, such measures only
> plunged me into depression and anguish, as I couldn't enjoy
> life with all my attention focused on being pure of mind.
>
> Eventually, I realized that my emotions aren't my enemy, but
> my ally. They're an excellent quick response system,
> prodding my mind in an appropriate direction
> instantaneously. A kid takes my cookie, I'm angry, get the
> cookie back it says. A friend betrays me, I'm sad and
> disillusioned, don't make the same mistake again it informs
> me.
>
> Now, I've found something that I think may help you: my
> guidance system hates nothing more than being misinterpreted
> or denied. If my emotions are screaming for retaliation
> against an insult, and I back down, then they'll give me
> hell for it later. Of course, sometimes, it's not easy to
> figure out what my emotions are demanding, and in those
> cases I just have to experiment until I find a solution that
> my rational mind agrees with. If you felt like shit that
> day, I think it's safe to assume that your backing down was
> against your instincts. So next time, try sticking up for
> yourself.
>

This is what I replied to Isildur with:

I think there's a time and place to fight that kind of thing, and that wasn't it. I was sort of in a state of bewilderment to begin with...walking into class, then finding out you have to do a speech before the hour is up = not good. I wasn't even in the mood for thinking let alone speaking up. I know it sounds like I'm making excuses, but I don't really think I could have solved the problem that time. I just set it aside, and when the time came for me to say my part of the speech, I went all out and made everyone bust up laughing. A small part of me wants to be an actor...I think I get it from my father, who used to be one. Anyways, I don't feel too bad about it now, but that day I didn't feel too great.

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