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Old 03-07-2002, 01:08 AM   #1
type_x
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Default What have I done...

This morning at my desk the memories of my girl were just killing me. I haven't had any dope or alcohol in a long time, and I think about her so much but my hands are tied. I don't want to call her because inside I'm so angry at her and there's still so much pain.... but at the same time I'm deeply concerned and I still love her very much. And it appears she changed her life and is no longer on the shit [speed]. So not knowing how to approach her again, and after a whole year of no contact I wrote her a neutral, short, and jokingly cute email today- not expecting a reply.

Sure enough fifteen minutes ago I get this in my inbox:

"[type_x],

Hey what is going on? How are you? Things are good here I graduate school at the end of this month. And I have a job interview in Beverly Hills in a week or so. I hope all is well with you write me back.

[x_girlfriend]

PS. I did like your dancing bannans (bananas)"

I have no idea how to respond to this. I feel like shouting back, "Hey, thanks for finally giving a shit! I'm glad everything is great for you because now you wouldn't even recognize me!- Everything was going great for me before you ripped the heart out of my chest and left me bleeding for a year, without any warning! Now I'm the most pissed off, drug addicted alcoholic who spends every sober minute in hellish pain, and whose head nearly exploded from being forced to worry about whether you're going to OD, get raped, or killed! Oh and really thanks for breaking my ultimate trust in life and destroying my ability to relate to other women. But seriously, it's great you're so concerned and I hope your new life and career in Beverly Hills makes you as happy as I USED to be..."

But I can't say that. That's a bunch of fucking self-pity, and I hate even thinking it. I want to be able to drop it, forget about what happened and try to patch things up. I just don't know how to respond to this, I don't know if she still has any love for me, or even truly cares. And I'm afraid to be honest with her about where my life is now, and why.

Could someone please try and point me in the right direction? Especially any females here?

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Old 03-07-2002, 07:15 AM   #2
type_x
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Default Re: agreed n.t

That is probably the best advice a friend could give.
Earlier, before I read this I did something that changed everything for me. I feel like a lead brick has been lifted from my heart. I replied to her email with something I should have told her a long, long time ago. Our situation is more complicated than I could explain in any reasonably-sized post..... but I'll try and summarize it like this: I basically let go of all my anger towards her, and disarmed her at the same time. And I don't care how or if she replies, it was all about getting a single paragraph off my chest. It wasn't at all accusatory or self-pitying, just a simple truce and admission of both our mistakes. You see, we had never even had a rational conversation about this. As soon as things went bad, I tried like hell to avoid her because it hurt so much to see her addicted. Most of what's been biting at me is that absence of communication. I honestly think I can finally let go of all the bad feelings after all this time.

I can't thank you guys enough for your willingness to help.

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Old 03-07-2002, 06:19 PM   #3
Isildur
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Default Re: agreed n.t

> I honestly think I can finally let go of all
> the bad feelings after all this time.
>

An admirable achievement, since it gives you the opportunity to concentrate on more positive things.

In 'real life', I personally have trouble letting go of some grudges&mdash; perhaps I need to try harder...

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Old 03-07-2002, 08:21 PM   #4
type_x
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Default Re: agreed n.t

It's so difficult for me too. If I could give you one piece of advice, I'd say no matter how hard it seems just face whatever you have to face to let go. It took a year away from my young life life to see this clearly. It may seem like something pretty quick to readers on this board but this has been a long struggle for me. I've had another relationship (very short lived), another job, another house and pretty much another life since it all went down. Today, 18 hours after taking that step I feel like I'm myself again! BTW I haven't used any drugs at all in quite some time now. I quit smoking too. I've also been at home every weeknight for the last 2 months, and I feel OK about it. That was a big step for me. I have a terrible habit of staying up & out until the wee hours, and then waking early for work looking like a zombie.

Now I need to use that time to get back to my drawing & writing.

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