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Old 11-16-2007, 10:58 AM   #1
SamIAm
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Default Friend suddenly severs, investigate or abandon?

I met Megan about 6 years ago when I started taking Japanese at college. We were in class together for a long time, however, to make a long story short, we never hung out. It wasn't until about 3 years ago that we first really talked, and then I disappeared on a foreign exchange shortly afterwards. Finally, last August, we met up for the first time in almost 2 years, and we started occasionally getting together. It seemed like a good friendship in the making. We studied together often, and other times, we just chilled.

Almost 2 weeks ago, though, she didn't turn up to study at my place as we had planned, and she has utterly avoided all contact since.

Now, let me make a couple things clear here:
1. No romance. Seriously. I really just wanted a friendship, and I am in a good relationship with another girl who I consider a far better mate. Megan has never exhibited any signs of attraction to me at any point in time.
2. I was never creepy toward her. My invitations to do stuff with her were casual, as well as reciprocated, and I never put pressure on her. In all other aspects, I was always a gentleman. I can't imagine what could have freaked her out so badly.

Yet in spite of a few attempts to contact her, I have gotten NOTHING in the way of communication from her since the day she didn't show up. Conceivably, she could be dead. I suppose I should mention now that this girl has had issues, too. She spent months in a clinic for bulimia last year, and she still has problems functioning socially. She might just not know how to ask for help in times of trouble. My first response to this is that I should go track her down (I know where she lives, still with her parents) and make sure she's OK. Sometimes I feel bad for not having done it already.

However, part of me thinks that she doesn't want to see me. We certainly never had a mature enough friendship for me to assume that I have a very big role in her life. Those problems she has had are a double-edged sword, too. I can't help but think that she's probably going through some crazy isolationist phase right now, and/or she is unable to cordially break off our friendship, and she really won't want me storming her home. I personally don't want to make an uncomfortable confrontation of this kind, particularly if she is rejecting our friendship.

What should I do? I feel bad for not making totally sure she's unharmed, but I don't want to be a twit who can't take a hint and just leave her alone. I'd hate for things to just end like this, but I can't tell what would make the situation better or worse.

Thoughts, anyone? There are no mutual friends in the picture, BTW, just the two of us.
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Old 11-16-2007, 09:04 PM   #2
icenine0
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Default Re: Friend suddenly severs, investigate or abandon?

If you decide to get in touch with her again, I'd do it in as much of a 'no pressure' way as possible. Just say like 'Hey, I haven't seen you for a while and wondered what was up. If you don't want to hang out any more, that's fine. I won't bother you again.' There's no harm in that.

That being said, I think that if people have an opportunity for contact and avoid it, there's probably not much to be done -- whether it's due to a lack of desire for friendship or a psychological issue.
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Old 11-16-2007, 10:06 PM   #3
SamIAm
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Default Re: Friend suddenly severs, investigate or abandon?

Yeah, I have sent her an email saying pretty much just that. That was a week ago, though.

If the situation was any less unusual, I wouldn't be wondering about it anywhere near as much. I've had friendships fail to get off the runway before, and I'm not exactly reeling from rejection, but it doesn't make sense to me. It always looked like she really wanted to be with me. Not to mention, she doesn't even have any other real friends. Yet she basically stood me up without a word and hasn't said a thing since. Given her past, I sometimes feel downright irresponsible not to make sure she's at least kind of OK. It's a tough call.
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Old 11-17-2007, 12:34 AM   #4
icenine0
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Default Re: Friend suddenly severs, investigate or abandon?

You know, what the hell, why not go and see what's up with her? The worst possibility is that she's wanted to break things off and done it in a very ham-handed way. Maybe she joined Scientology and her auditor asked her to terminate her disruptive influences or something, or she has a crazy new boyfriend that doesn't want her to have any male acquaintances.

Whatever it is, though, I think the result of a visit will be solving a personal mystery rather than any kind of restoration. If she's been having some mental problems, it's sad, but, I think there's a very limited amount a friend can do -- even if you're supportive, you'll probably be used as a crutch rather than effecting any real change, and sometimes a severe bout of isolation and a dark night of the soul -- that is, totally giving into a disorder and letting it lead you to the brink -- is the only thing that can prompt someone to seek change and/or help.
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Old 11-17-2007, 05:42 AM   #5
The 9th Sage
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Default Re: Friend suddenly severs, investigate or abandon?

Yeah, I'd go and see if I could figure out what's up with her. Just make sure she knows, as you said, that if she really doesn't want a friendship anymore, that she knows you aren't going to freak on her or something.

Remember too, that some things you can't help with. I mean, it's good to try, I just say this because I've had some stuff happen to friends of mine, people I really cared about, that I just couldn't do anything about, so rather than worry myself sick (working on it) I just try to be there in the ways that I can be there, and possibly make a difference in their life that way.
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