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Old 04-29-2007, 09:05 AM   #1
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Default Lobster Cowboy's Guide to Dating [Blast from the past]

[img]ftp://johndietzel:link@johndietzel.netfirms.com/www/lc/LC.jpg[/img]<u>Lobster Cowboy's Guide to Dating, Ver. 1.0.2</u>


After watching countless members of my sex fuck up, and get fucked up by women, I decided to put together this guide. My goal is to help my fellow man break the cycle, and take control of their dating lives. Believe me, I've been to all the places you've been to, and once tortured myself when it came to women. Those days are long over, and I date whoever the hell I want. I'll teach you how to get there, too.

CHAPTER 1 -- The Physical Factor

Guess what? Not everyone on earth is beautiful. I'm going to assume that the reader may or may not think they're attractive to the opposite sex. I'll go even further, and just assume that you aren't.

Big deal.

There are two classes of attractive women, and we'll focus on only one of them. The two classes of women are as follows:

There's one class that will only date beautiful men. These women are shallow and pointless, and you wouldn't want them anyway. Seriously. They're completely vapid and wastes of life. When you learn to recognize these women, you'll immediately know not to get involved, thus sparing you any heartache.

The second class of women are attractive, but are seeking other qualities. Sense of humour, kindness, money, power, fame, etc. These are the women you'll be trying to get. Among this class are the Catherine Zeta Jones' of the world, and Angelina Jolies. Look at their respective spouses or ex-spouses. Michael Douglas and Billy Bob Thorton won't be winning any beauty contests anytime soon.

For a great many women, looks are second or third on their list of requirements. It can go as far down as fourth. Most men fall into the average category, neither ugly, nor pretty. This is most likely you.

No matter your physical appearance, you can overcome certain deficiencies in a few simple ways. First and foremost, is to clean yourself up. Wear a clean shirt, shave, brush your hair/teeth, etc. This simple amount of grooming can improve your looks by as much as one or two levels.

What women want most in you is potential. If you come across as clean, they'll get the idea that they can make you even better. Women LOVE to spruce a man up.

However, there are a few exceptions to this rule, and it all has to do with your location. If you reside in a large city, e.g. New York, women will have a different expectation all together. They'll want you to already know how to dress, and fix your hair. In this case, pick up some fashion magazines, talk to women friends (assuming you have any), or watch Queer Eye.

CHAPTER 2 -- Don't Pine for Me, Argentina

Here's a quick questionnaire for you. It's only one question, so it won't take long. At this current time, is there a girl out there that you secretly love, and hope will become a girlfriend to you?

If the answer is yes, STOP RIGHT THERE.

Let it go. Right now. I'm not kidding.

To pine after a woman is a zero-sum game. You can never win. It's a waste of your short life.

"But she's my soul mate. I love her. It'll happen someday..."

No, it won't. If you're good friends with this girl, you've already failed.

There is a class of men (and you're probably one of them), that secretly pine away after a woman in their lives. They hang around this woman, hoping that one day she'll see how great you are, and fall in love.


And here's why.

Upon meeting a man, a woman knows withing the FIRST FOUR MINUTES whether or not she's going to date you. That's it. Once you become her friend, that's it. You're her friend. Was that what you were after? No? Then you fucked up.

This is the single hardest thing to accept in the process of your liberation, but it CAN, and MUST be done. It's very hard to let go of a woman you think you love. It's torturing. You keep hope that things will turn around.

But you need to understand this. It simply will not happen. There are BILLIONS of women out there, and the odds are strongly in your favor that there are more great women out there.

This is the most important step in your life, and you MUST take it. If you refuse to accept it, you have no need to read the rest of this guide. In fact, I urge you to become a shut in, never leaving your parents' basement.

CHAPTER 3 -- The Friendship Conundrum

Women always say that what they want in their man is a friend. A man who will be their best friend, who will be their compantion for all-time.

This is a woman's greatest lie.

Women want a Man. And Man is capitalized for a reason. If they were content with just friends, they wouldn't date at all. They'd hang out with their girlfriends all day long, never worrying about the opposite sex.

But they DO worry.

Because they want a Man. If you shape up, you could be one of them.

To be a Man is very simple, but so lazily disregarded by most males. It takes only a few easy steps:

Step 1: Listening. Do it for your woman. Women love to talk, even though you probably would rather they be quiet. Women talk. And talk. And talk. Pick up key words in what they say, and remember them. Repeating certain things later will give the illusion that you're listening.


There's listening, and there's being an easy cushion to land on. The key is learning to tell the difference.

Step 2: Taking control. Women, despite all their complaining about liberation, love when a man takes charge. Learning this step will separate you from the legions of man-boys roaming the social scene. Taking into account Step 1, you must make listening your CHOICE, not your obligation.

You've seen it a million times. A man is so in love with a woman, that he'll sit and listen to her jibber jabber without end, in the hopes that it will win her over. Sorry. What you're doing is putting her in the driver seat, allowing her to control what you are to her. When a woman is left in charge, she will almost always turn you in her FRIEND. Was that what you were after? Of course not.

If you're reading this, you're probably somewhat wishy-washy, and have this idea that women should be left to their own designs. You'd prefer to stay out of their way, rather than do something, and risk doing it wrong. This is BY FAR the wrong mentality, and it makes you look like a spineless fool.

Step 3: Confidence. NOT arrogance. Repeat that a few times until you understand it. Chances are, you're good at something. You might be smart, you might be artistic, you might be good at building shit. Maybe you can do lame card tricks.

The biggest problem for most men is wondering what they have to offer to the opposite sex. Once you start thinking that way, you're beyond doomed. The key is to go into any social situation KNOWING that you don't need anyone else. Confidence means you're not desperate, the single BIGGEST turn off to a woman.

Confidence means KNOWING you will continue to live if a woman doesn't want you. Once you believe this mentality, your world will shift, and the heavens will open.

CHAPTER 4 -- Applying the Steps

As we said in the previous chapter, women want a Man. A Man isn't desperate. A Man doesn't read into a woman's signals, wondering if she likes him or not. A man doesn't care about this woman at all. He could care less if she ever became his girlfriend. A Man can do without her, and probably WANTS to do without her.

A Man who adheres to that mentality will never become a woman's friend. Be taking control on the outset, he officially removes this option. Either he will become the woman's lover, or he won't. A Man will not enter into a wishy-washy relationship with a woman. He will be with her, or he won't. The end.

Remember, you don't need her. Seriously. You won't die if you don't get to go out with some woman. This is where taking control comes into play. If you can take care of yourself, a woman naturally assumes you can take care of her. This is a turn on. When you act like a floppy cock, you ARE a floppy cock, and she could care less about you.

A woman judges you all the time, and will always judge you, whether she's conscious of it or not. Women decide early on whether or not you will ever fuck them. If she puts you on the No list, it's over. You won't be her boyfriend, and you won't be her lover. You will only be her friend, and who wants that?

CHAPTER 5 -- Learn to Flirt

Flirting is the single greatest lost art in the realm of romance. People always want to cut to the fucking chase, and they ruin everything. Learning to flirt will take you to a level few men dare to go.

Most people have poor self-esteem, and women have it much worse. Turn on your TV, and see the images women have to contend with. Open a magazine. Look at a billboard. Have you found any ugly women yet? I didn't think so. Many women are cute, but can't compete with the Photoshopped wonders in media.

This is where you come in.

Learn to flirt. Learn to compliment. But make it real. BELIEVE in what you're telling them. There are good things about everyone, even the worst people. Find these, and exploit them.

As a personal policy, I flirt with ALL women, of all ages (above the legal limit, of course). Flirt with women you would never have sex with in sixty million years. Flirt with lesbians. Just fucking flirt.

Flirting works for two reasons. One, it's a great way to soften the edge of a woman. Two, it shows extreme confidence. When you flirt, it shows a woman that you notice her. It makes her feel special. Even if deep down they may think it's bullshit, your earnestness will convince them otherwise.

Many men eschew flirting because they think it means they're coming on too strong. To those men, I pity you to no end. You simply don't get it, and deserve to be alone.

Women want to feel wanted. They want to know that what they're doing is working. When women get dressed for the day, is she doing it for her own self gratification? Of course not. She's trying to put her best foot forward to the world. When you flirt with a woman, you're helping them to believe they've succeeded.

When I say wanted, I mean in all ways, including sexually. Women want to be noticed. They want to be thought of as sexy. When you flirt, it's like telling them, "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!"

So flirt, and flirt with every woman. No exceptions. Women from all walks love it, even if they know you don't want them. It's just assurance to them. Flirting doesn't mean that you want to fuck them. It's just proof that you're noticing them.

As far as flirting goes, be as real as possible, because a woman can smell a fake. If you flirt to get into her panties, you've failed already. If you flirt because it's your conscious choice to recognize her, you've won. There is a huge fucking difference between the two, so the sooner you figure it out, the better.

CHAPTER 6 -- Fuck Like a Champ

Sometimes a man will lack confidence because he doesn't think he can get the job done in bed. Many men come too fast, or lack any real technique. Unfortunately, this is a step that requires field practice, but you'll get there. Just remember a few basic things.

1. Take control of her in bed. Pretend you know what you're doing, even if you don't. If you start acting unsure in bed, she'll turn off faster than a broken light bulb.

2. Pay attention to her body. This is a woman, not an unfeeling object. Be firm, but be gentle until you know her preferences.

3. Don't fucking jackhammer. Don't do it. I can't stress this enough. Think of sex like you would the waves of the ocean. Make it flow.

4. Learn how to kiss. If you can kiss well, you can probably fuck well. Don't slobber. Be firm, but gentle. Be aware of your facial hair. If you have a five o'clock shadow, don't grind your face into hers. It will hurt. Learn how to tongue kiss properly. Like sex, it's all about the flow. The less you rush, the better the experience will be for her (and for you).

5. Learn how to touch her. Don't always go straight for her tits or ass. Pay attention to other important things, like her back, her thighs, and her shoulders. Also, when you DO touch her breasts, don't play with them. Caress them. Treat them as you would treat your own balls. They are NOT play things, and if you respect them, they will respect you.

6. Keep physical contact in sex. Sex isn't just your dick going in and out. Take control of her hips. Massage part of her body. Pay attention to her entire body, not just her vagina.


Hopefully this will be a good starting point for all you pathetic souls. You won't live forever, so if you'd like to actually enjoy the opposite sex, and enjoy your life, there's no time like the present.

Stop pining away after girls that clearly don't want you, and stop being "Mr. Friend". Be a Man. Women know what you want. Don't be an idiot. Take this advice to heart, and you will have success. Now stop reading this, and go flirt with some chicks.
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Old 10-23-2008, 09:24 PM   #2
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Default My Liberation

It has been three years since Lobster Cowboy first posted this guide to the Diaries board and I think I can safely say it is the most memorable and useful post I ever saw on ZMD. By 2005, I was already experienced enough to know that he had hit the nail on the head, even if could not have put it so eloquently myself. In fact, I thought it a shame that I hadn't read such a guide before high school so that I could have saved myself a lot of pain and suffering.

With that said, however, I'm going to tell you why he was wrong. His error was so extreme that the contradiction with reality became such a profoundly useful counterpoint to my experience that I began to think again that he was right.

Let me explain...

Originally Posted by Lobster Cowboy View Post
Here's a quick questionnaire for you. It's only one question, so it won't take long. At this current time, is there a girl out there that you secretly love, and hope will become a girlfriend to you?

If the answer is yes, STOP RIGHT THERE.

Let it go. Right now. I'm not kidding.
When I was a Junior in college I began spending time with another student in the astronomy program. This was a fantastic girl, she was smart, she was pretty, she was fun... she was taken. So was I, as it turned out, and I felt more than a little guilty about my growing feelings for her. When my then girlfriend left town during the summer before my senior year, more and more of my time was being devoted to this new girl.

Eventually I decided that it just wasn't right to be obsessing over one girl while dating another, so I broke off my relationship. Around the same time, she broke off hers as well, and it began to seem like an inevitability that we would get together. After a lot of deliberation and hesitation, I drummed up the courage to ask her out... only to get shot down. It turned out that she hadn't even thought of me that way and couldn't believe that I had any real feelings for her. I was the friend zone, deep in the friend zone.

I'll admit that it wasn't easy to let go of this and I continued to spend a lot of time obsessing about "what ifs," even as the years passed and we got more distant. I remained friends with her during graduate school but maintained an active dating life (some here may even remember one of my girlfriends posting on this board). With each girl I dated, I gained a little bit more confidence and a little bit more experience, but my mind never fully retreated from this girl I knew in college.

Then, six months ago, things began to change. I had gone down for one of my yearly visits and she had really opened up to me, more than she ever had in college. I sensed something was different, both in her and in the way she looked at me. After another long round of hesitation and deliberation, I asked her out again, this time putting it all out there. She said yes. I was absolutely ecstatic.

[Unfortunately, this was one of those false endings. You know, like in the Dark Knight when they first captured the Joker and you thought the movie was about to end. Heh, fool... not before they kill off some of the likable characters.]

I was determined to make our first date a good one, so I really went all out. I bought her flowers, rented a car, went to New York to buy some nice clothes... trust me, if you knew me IRL this would all be very shocking. Anyway, I drove down to pick her up, we went out to dinner and a movie, we had a nice (though tense) date and that was that. Great, right?

Not so much... we both noticed how tense things had been and decided that maybe we should try a little alcohol to smooth things over. It only took about a half hour (it was hard liquor) before we were all over each other and making our way for the bedroom. A couple minutes into this intense makeout session she called for me to stop... she couldn't do it, it was too weird. It was, she said, like kissing her brother.


My first thought was that was it. Everything had gone my way, I had had every opportunity, it just wasn't meant to be. I left her for a while to take some time to think and to let her think as well. It had only been a month prior that I hadn't even considered her a serious part of my life, but now I couldn't even see how I could keep going without her. I thought about all the time we had spent together and all the other girls I had been with. Nothing else seemed right, but I knew it was never going to work out with her. Never before had my future looked so dim.

But for some reason, I was optimistic. No, I didn't find God. No, I didn't begin to appreciate the other things I had. I just decided that I was stronger than that, that I didn't need her or anyone else to be happy. A day later, I called her and told her that I wasn't going to give up. I told her that I was going to keep living as I had been, including dating other girls, but I was never going to stop wanting to be with her. If the same situation came up again in the future, I would ask her out again. She didn't have to say yes and I wouldn't ask if she didn't want me to, but I would never stop wanting to be with her.

Now, six months later, we're celebrating our six-month anniversary. We talk about the future as if we can't see it with anyone else and we use the 'l' word with impunity. Even if, god forbid, this doesn't work out in the long run, we're both happy and will never regret this time together.

So why am I saying all this? Am I trying to shut down or discredit coolie? Definitely not. Am I trying to show how I did the impossible? Nope. Am I gloating? Maybe a little, but mainly I want to suggest a small change to Lobster Cowboy's Guide to Dating:

To pine after a woman is a zero-sum game. You can never win. It's a waste of your short life.
You can win, so long as you believe that you can't lose, whatever the outcome. If you really believe that, she will too.


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Old 10-25-2008, 02:19 PM   #3
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My rules are more simple. Go, ask the girl, just be yourself. If she loves you, good, if not, it happens, end of the line. I told a girl that I like her the other day, and she said she like me like a brother. So what ? Now we are best friends. Yes, at first, it was hard, I though about her a lot, but a couple of weeks after that, I just saw her as a friend. Stop thinking about it, you only need one thing: time. You always win. If she say yes, you win her, if she say no, you gain assurance for the next time.
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Old 11-21-2008, 03:49 PM   #4
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In Re Chapter 2: I would say that almost 100% of the time, you are correct. I was burned this way three times trying to make the jump from friend.

However, my current girlfriend with whom I have been together just shy of three years, was a successful jump. We had been friends for a little over a year. I think somewhere in the back of her mind, she liked me already. That and moving 8,000 miles to be with her probably left a pretty big impression.

It can happen. I have another friend who ended up marrying his best friend, and they are very happy together. They just had their second child.

Expect to fail, but if by some chance you succeed, it could be a relationship that was worth all the pain and trouble leading up to it.

That said, you have to tell her. Either tell her yourself or get one of her friends to drop a few hints. Women are totally oblivious to evidence you like them once you are considered a friend, so you might need that help. If you don't tell her, then you are just waisting your time. Continue with the above Chapter 2. If you tell her, you can get your heart smashed, lose a bunch of your mutual friends and move on with finding someone else.
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Old 11-29-2008, 01:10 AM   #5
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Id buy the book
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Old 11-30-2008, 09:56 PM   #6
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Whoever thought that guide would get so much mileage?
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Old 12-02-2008, 03:23 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by coolie View Post
Whoever thought that guide would get so much mileage?
That's what I was thinking. I guess it must be a pretty decent guide since people are still using it to this day.
Just can't wait to bomb some Dodongos.

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