The funny link/joke/image repository

shawn

New member
I wish I thought of this.


Lesson234.jpg






doucheSlide_display.jpg
 

shawn

New member
Not funny but an wallpaper this time. This is a real cool Legend of Zelda wallpaper and it's a large high resolution image. Just click on wallpaper to increase the zoom. Hope you don't have this one already Ian. :)

http://wallbase.net/wallpaper/990


Almost forgot. Here's the wallpaper page with page after page continuously loading so no links to click of easily viewable thumbs. These are some nice wallpapers and many I have never seen before.

http://wallbase.net/random
 

Maximum Potion

Staff (news - ROM hacking/translations)
My friend used to have a Mad Hornet nerf gun (or someting like that) back in the late 90's which would fire about 12 or 20 darts concecutively versus my 4 shot pistol.

Those things are awesome until about 2 minutes when you're out of ammo and have to go all over your front lawn searching for darts :p

I absuletly loved my super soakers, however. It was my dream to own a CPS 3000, especially after my friend busted my XP 110.
 

shawn

New member
Clientcopia : Stupid Client Quotes...

There's no getting around it. At some point in your career, your patience will be tested with a stupid client who is so clueless that you'll question your sanity, career choice, and the future of mankind.
You may have dealt with one already, one that just stuns you like a deer in headlights. Dumbfounded to utter anything but an "uhhh...". Some clients have no concept of reality. They make up their mind, just to change it again to an even more hideous decision. And will end up blaming you for the mess. Can we honestly blame the client? Sure we can...









I was going to copy a couple here but there are so many great ones I just decided to post a link to this awesome page.

http://www.clientcopia.com/index.php



 

Maximum Potion

Staff (news - ROM hacking/translations)
Hahahahaha I just read 83 of them...

"Don't use too much red, our tests show that red downloads slower."
 

shawn

New member
Why I Fired My Secretary




Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.”
I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!”
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o’clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.”
I said, “Thanks, Jane, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go !”
We went to lunch.. But we didn’t go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t need to go straight back to the office, Do We?”
I responded, “I guess not. What do you have in mind ?” She said, “Let’s drop by my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.”
“Ok.” I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake … Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.

And I just sat there.

On the couch.

Naked.




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FOR THOSE WHO TAKE
LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY




1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set
2. A day without sunshine is, like, night
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.
9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11. Remember half the people you know are below average.
12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it
remains?
13. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
14. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese.
19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
20. I intend to live forever - so far so good.
21. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
26. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
27. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and
going the wrong way.
28. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you
tried.
29. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
30. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
it.
31. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
32. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
33. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
34. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
35. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
37. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness
of the bread.
38. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the
ability to reach it.
39. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many
is research.
40. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your
principles.
41. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
42. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
43. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
44. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
45. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch
up.
46. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
47. Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
48. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
49. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
50. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
51. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
52. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
53. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
54. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.



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Doing the Wrong Thing
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another" trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."






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Blonds at a Lumber Yard






A couple of blond men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blond men walked in the office and said, “We need some four-by-twos.”
The clerk said, “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?”
The man said, “I’ll go check,” and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, “Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.”
“Alright. How long do you need them?”
The customer paused for a minute and said, “I’d better go check.” After awhile, the customer returned to the office and said, “A long time. We’re gonna build a house.”




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Swineflu.jpg
 

shawn

New member
Men always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!


1 - Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

1 - Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

1 - Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1 - Don’t cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you’re stuck with her.

1 - Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1 - Crying is blackmail.

1 - Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints don’t do it!

1 - We don’t remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1 - Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1 - Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1 - Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1 - A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1 - Check your oil! Please.

1 - Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1 - If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. We refuse to answer.

1 - If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1 - Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it’s genetic.

1 - You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1 - Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1 - Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1 - The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it and quit whining to your girlfriends.

1 - ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1 - If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1 - We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1 - If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1 - If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1 - When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1 - Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the offside rule, investments or cars.

1 - You have enough clothes.

1 - You have too many shoes.

1 - Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it’s Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn’t really matter what the hell they’re saying anyway.)

1 - It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn’t matter which quiz.

1 - BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1 - I’m in shape. ROUND is a shape.



Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.
 

Lillymon

New member
I feel compelled to answer some of these.
1 - Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
This is not true. I haven't stood up to urinate in anything that wasn't a urinal for about five years now. I don't see the point. More distance = Greater chance of missing = Greater chance of me getting urine all over my shoes and/or clothes.

1 - Don’t cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you’re stuck with her.
OK, I agree with this. Short hair can be attractive, but the chances are better with long hair.

1 - Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
I've actually always liked shopping, so I guess I'll never get this.

1 - We don’t remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
But do bear in mind that if you get your request and still manage to forget, your wife/girlfriend has the God-given right to be as apocalyptically cross as she damn well wants.

1 - Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Indeed.

1 - Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
I'm not really good at the sympathy thing either. I feel sorry for the person, but they want me to say something, and my mind is completely blank.

1 - Check your oil! Please.
Isn't that what the oil warning light is for? So the car can tell me and I can find someone who knows anything about how cars work? I hate getting my hands dirty.

1 - Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
Much though I know you'd like this to be true, you don't get to decide this one.

1 - If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. We refuse to answer.
Smart decision.

1 - Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
PVRs are going to kill off verbal communication between spouses entirely within 20 years if current trends continue.

1 - Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
What the fuck? He went looking for India and ended up finding America. No one else in history was in greater need of directions.

1 - ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
Wrong.

As it turns out, the truth is that men see an infinite amount of colours. Then call them all 'Penis'.

1 - If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
This does seem unfair. I know the sort of looks you'd give a woman scratching in those areas.

1 - We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
This is my motto when shopping. I'm very good at just going out, and getting exactly what is on the list. But if any item on that list is vague, then it is the fault of the person who made the list if I come home with the wrong item.

I mean, what is 'small potatoes'. New potatoes? They're small. But it probably refers to the overall volume. But what is 'small'? A bag a potatoes that I'd consider medium-sized may be what 'small' is to the writer of this. But if not, then I've just wasted money and energy buying too much...

BE SPECIFIC.

1 - If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
I've nothing personally to say here, but this does remind me about when Cless of Phantasian Productions told the forum how much difficulty he was having editing Mint's lines because she was so vague, and undefined, and said stuff like "No, it's nothing" a lot.

1 - If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
I could teach John McCain a lot about the Straight Talk Express. Damn flip-flopper doesn't know anything about it...

1 - Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the offside rule, investments or cars.
I get the impression most of the time a woman asks this and the man says "You", both sides know it's the most obvious lie ever, but keep the illusion intact anyway.

Never try that with me, unless you're in the mood to start an argument about what a dirty fucking liar you are.

1 - You have enough clothes.
Don't blame women, blame the constantly changing world of fashion made primarily to convince women that clothes they bought not even a month ago are now the sort of thing only an idiot would be seen alive or dead in.

...

On the other hand, you would have be an idiot to believe that sort of shit.

...

Actually, on second thoughts, go ahead and blame them.

1 - You have too many shoes.
I recently bought two pair of shoes that say "You can never have too many shoes" on them. Can you guess what the first thing that came to mind when I saw what was?

Imelda Marcos.

1 - Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it’s Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn’t really matter what the hell they’re saying anyway.)
My favourite film ever is City of God, which is a Brazilian film what I watched with English subtitles. It's hardly the only foreign film I've seen either (Oldboy, I'm a Cyborg, Y tu mamá también, Amelie, Run Lola Run). If you eschew them because of the fact that you need to read the subtitles, then you're missing out on a veritable goldmine of stunning film-making.

I'm not even counting the anime, because it really doesn't feel foreign any more.

1 - It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn’t matter which quiz.
Especially if it's about your attitudes towards foreign cinema.

1 - BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
No.

1 - I’m in shape. ROUND is a shape.
You may be thinking this, but I'm pretty sure what you'd actually say would be rather different.

Jesus Christ this is long.
 

InVerse

New member
Isn't that what the oil warning light is for? So the car can tell me and I can find someone who knows anything about how cars work? I hate getting my hands dirty.

No. If the oil light comes on, you're already in trouble. By trouble, I mean if you don't stop the car immediately, you'll probably destroy the engine.

Checking the oil shouldn't require you to dirty your hands. All you have to do is pull out the dipstick and see if the oil is between the min & max lines. If it's below the minimum line, then pour some oil in. I'm not terribly adept with my hands but I can do all of this with very little mess without even using a funnel. (My vehicle has over 200,000 miles on it, so it tends to need an extra quart of oil between changes.)
 

shawn

New member
Lillymon, you do realize I just copied and pasted this list from a humor site? This is also the ZD joke and funny image page.
 

Shadow

New member
Warning! This post may contain confusing long describing sentences. I have tried to write as clear as possible for the girls. For men the short version: the list is accurate enough to understand.

I've actually always liked shopping, so I guess I'll never get this.

It's not so much shopping but the fact that we don't know what to do in woman only fashion shops. One such shop per shopping trip is something most guys can handle. Another one is still ok. But girls tend to get a real shopping mall rage. For us this is the most torturing thing possible.
We can't just escape, we get burning feet after 4-6 hour non stop odyssey through almost EVERY shop available, where no shop has any place for waiting men to sit and rest.

You girls seem to perfectly ignore any health signals coming from your body except the sweat which might ruin your style... or you are just tougher in this. I might say this is something genetic. When men were about to hunt they had to spare their energy to use it in the right moment and catch the prey. Women used their energy constantly to collect herbs, fruits and so on... for hours.

We are not born for shopping tours. We can't remember all dresses you have seen in the shops. We can't even remember the names..

But that's not all. Everything works well until the moment when you girls take on your most impressive look to convince us to buy something for you.
It doesn't matter why you ask. It's the fact that you ask us in our personal hell to do you a favour we didn't expect. We never expect it - we fear it. And we don't take much money with us, just enough to have this expensive meal or drink they offer us in the restaurants - The one moment we have to use our energy. And until this point we don't want to spend the hard earned money on anything other than that.

The most common suggestion by girls is: "Oh my dear. You could go and find something for you, too (but pay it with your own money, of course). It's fun, honey (for me, you won't disturb me and get the illusion of having something to do)".

If you remember: we didn't want to go shopping in the first place. It's nothing relaxing, nothing challenging, no big prey (the new car/house/TV...), no glory...

Oh yes. We don't hate you just because of the fact we don't want to follow you into the deeper dungeons of the mall. We want to stay in the "safe spots" like a bar, where we can wait until we are really needed.

If there were a cinema or just a TV showing sports or just anything where we can sit and wait - be sure we are happy, relaxed and don't stress you with uncomfortable answers to intriguing questions like :"what do you think of this, isn't it beautiful?".

We will just never ever share the same enthusiasm in shopping with you. It's nothing personal. We are just not capable of doing so. You can ask us to buy a new car or house or TV and we will deliver excellent reports with all technical facts, pros and contras, prices, comparisons etc. This is just more natural for us. Planning the big deal, preparing, investigating and finally making the deal perfect.


But do bear in mind that if you get your request and still manage to forget, your wife/girlfriend has the God-given right to be as apocalyptically cross as she damn well wants.

We always have to remember millions of things. And these dates are recurring every year. Sure it hurts but it's definitely not the end of the world.
Sometimes it looks like girls just wait for this special moment to get a reason for letting out all the hidden frustrations and punch down their partner with a straight knock out as a revenge for all the little issues which happened all over the year.


I mean, what is 'small potatoes'. New potatoes? They're small. But it probably refers to the overall volume. But what is 'small'? A bag a potatoes that I'd consider medium-sized may be what 'small' is to the writer of this. But if not, then I've just wasted money and energy buying too much...

BE SPECIFIC.

Point. But why don't you read the list before you go shopping? You could ask about the suspicious looking items. We guys just tend to write as short as possible. Sometimes we also don't know how to describe what we want in list form because we have no clue what's the real name.


My favourite film ever is City of God, which is a Brazilian film what I watched with English subtitles. It's hardly the only foreign film I've seen either (Oldboy, I'm a Cyborg, Y tu mamá también, Amelie, Run Lola Run). If you eschew them because of the fact that you need to read the subtitles, then you're missing out on a veritable goldmine of stunning film-making.

I'm not even counting the anime, because it really doesn't feel foreign any more.
Well... I've seen many films.. too many. True. There are really good films all over the world. But true is also that most films fail to impress. So if more than 90% of all films are crap - why should you even try to watch them with subtitles if you can just watch the films of your own country where you clearly know whats good and whats trash?
If you get a hint for a really awesome foreign film then it's something different. This counts into "insider info". This is something special so worth a try. Oh yes... the films you mentioned are good. Indeed.


Jesus Christ this is long.

Yes it is.
 

Lillymon

New member
Lillymon, you do realize I just copied and pasted this list from a humor site? This is also the ZD joke and funny image page.
Yes, and I honestly didn't not intend for it to be quite that long. I actually cut it down a bit. Evidently not enough. But I'd already written it by the time I realized that, and it seemed a pity to not post it after all that effort...
 
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