Well, here it is . nearly 10:30, and I'm depressed/sad/everything else all rolled into one.. As some of you know, me and Amanda had a fight tonight, for once I'm the one who got mad.. but now its a few hours later and starting to think, maybe shes right about some things. I mean, I love her to death, I really do, its just sometimes she gets me so mad with being so insecure all the time. But then I think about it, and remember how many times she's been hurt and how much her life sucks where she is, and me way the fuck over here.. instead of with her, where she needs me.. and its like , sure I can be there for my other friends when they need somebody to talk to, like Beth, or Josh, or somebody.. but why the hell cant I do the same for her.... when she needs me.. like we need each other so bad right now, so fucking bad.. I could hear the tears in her voice as we talked tonight and it got me upset, then we got into the fight, then we sorta made up, and then we hung up.. and then I go in #zophar and vent and stuff, and then I'm like she vents to me and sometimes I just blow her off like shes not even there or she needs somebody to talk to or she wants to spend time with me and I for some really borked reason am doing something other then spending time with the woman I love.. on the very few times we CAN even spend time together to begin with.. 11 months of dating, and we've spent maybe 2 and a half of those months together physically.. and was looking out at the clouds and stuff we had after the rain and I saw a plane that looked like a star from being so far up and noticed it kept dissapearing behind clouds, then coming back , then dissapearing again.. thats like how our happiness has been lately, comes when we're together... then we're apart and it's like we're about ready to crawl into a hole and die from the pain and loneliness... I just wish I could be there... if I only had one wish that could come true it would be to just be there with her.. especially when she needs me.. and this vent/diary entry/whatever has gone on long enough.. so I'll just end it here... and go back to being depressed...
Tony #2
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Tony #2
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