So, basically, I've had depression for... pretty much too long for me to know when it actually started. It's been several years, at least; perhaps since middle school, or maybe only about three years. I really can't say for sure. I've had obsessive-compulsive disorder my entire life, but it wasn't until probably 8th grade or so that it actually became a real anxiety issue (particularly revolving around having a tight enough t-shirt collar). I now have major anxiety problems when people open their mouths at all when they eat or smack their lips (to the point where I have to relieve anxiety through physical pain--usually squeezing an ice cube as hard as I can for a while, or if it's bad and I just can't handle it I might hit myself or my head on something in a potentially more destructive manner). I also tend to feel a lot of irrational anxiety when family members are around and I have highly recurrent thoughts of suicide/death. The fact that I've been living with Crohn's disease since I was 12 doesn't help with any of this, either.
I finally talked to my doctor about some of this (mostly just my OCD) a few weeks ago, and he said he'd be "happy to prescribe" me antidepressants on a low dose. I declined for the time being; I'm fairly reluctant to take anything that will change me mentally. Does anyone have experiences with antidepressants, good/bad/otherwise? I really don't know what to do. They might benefit me (both for OCD and depression), but they might change me a bit.
I really have never told anyone how badly depressed I am, or how much I'm losing control of my OCD. I'm perfectly fine and feel great when I'm with friends, but five minutes of being alone puts me into a sort of state of despair. I feel pretty guilty about even being depressed... which is maybe why I don't talk about it. I'm intelligent, get perfect grades, people like me, I get high praise and recognition from the school and community, and yet I just feel like a miserable wreck. Even as I write this I feel like a whiny attention seeking child. I don't even know if that's a rational thought at this point or not.
Well... anyways. If anyone can offer any advice or insights, it'd be very much appreciated. I've wanted to be able to take care of this without medications (I'm on enough pills and whatnot already), but I just don't know if that's a real possibility at this point. I value my intellectuality and creativity probably more than anything--what are the chances that antidepressants might alter any of this? I also do have a family history of depression and anxiety, further indicating the whole messed up seratonin levels thing. Meds have helped make my mom feel "better" for the last 15 years or so, but if they're the reason why she so often seems so clueless and ultimately fails at any sort of abstract reasoning, I think that I would want no part of that.
Hopefully this all makes sense. This post has become far more random and reflective than initially intended. Thanks for reading.
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I finally talked to my doctor about some of this (mostly just my OCD) a few weeks ago, and he said he'd be "happy to prescribe" me antidepressants on a low dose. I declined for the time being; I'm fairly reluctant to take anything that will change me mentally. Does anyone have experiences with antidepressants, good/bad/otherwise? I really don't know what to do. They might benefit me (both for OCD and depression), but they might change me a bit.
I really have never told anyone how badly depressed I am, or how much I'm losing control of my OCD. I'm perfectly fine and feel great when I'm with friends, but five minutes of being alone puts me into a sort of state of despair. I feel pretty guilty about even being depressed... which is maybe why I don't talk about it. I'm intelligent, get perfect grades, people like me, I get high praise and recognition from the school and community, and yet I just feel like a miserable wreck. Even as I write this I feel like a whiny attention seeking child. I don't even know if that's a rational thought at this point or not.
Well... anyways. If anyone can offer any advice or insights, it'd be very much appreciated. I've wanted to be able to take care of this without medications (I'm on enough pills and whatnot already), but I just don't know if that's a real possibility at this point. I value my intellectuality and creativity probably more than anything--what are the chances that antidepressants might alter any of this? I also do have a family history of depression and anxiety, further indicating the whole messed up seratonin levels thing. Meds have helped make my mom feel "better" for the last 15 years or so, but if they're the reason why she so often seems so clueless and ultimately fails at any sort of abstract reasoning, I think that I would want no part of that.
Hopefully this all makes sense. This post has become far more random and reflective than initially intended. Thanks for reading.
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