Keep in mind, I don't particularly mean humorous in a good way, although it's hard to tell whether today was good or bad.
Anyways, the meat of the day was after speech class, at around 2:30. I was gonna tutor a girl in my Statistics class. I didn't know which girl...all I knew was that she sat in the front row, which was kind of a funny clue cuz the hottest and the ugliest girls sit in the front row. Anyways, I got to the library at college where we were meeting, and was like awestruck. She was GORGEOUS!
So...we go up to one of the floors of the library where we can talk so that I could tutor her. It didn't occur to me that I probably should have at least looked a little through the book before tutoring...there was some stuff I didn't know that I should have, like if there's P(N) with a line over the N it means P(not N). There was also some of the hard formulas that I didn't know. I'm not sure if I seemed dumb, or if she was too math illiterate to notice how dumb I was. Anyways, time flew (about 2 hours). We had some smalltalk during the whole thing, but it wasn't anything special. The funny thing about it was that it almost felt like we were just studying Stats together, but I had said at the beginning that I "guess $5 would be ok", so at the end when she gave me $5, I felt bad about it. It's funny in itself though cuz right now I'm sorta broke, cuz I haven't turned in my timesheet for like 3 weeks, so that $5 was my dinner tonight, and I'm broke again, hehehe.
Anyways, 5 pm comes around...Stats class starts, the testing begins...and guess what happens? Some of these formulas I didn't really know show up on 3 of the 5 problems. Chances are I got a D or an F on the test, cuz I was too foolish not to make a 3x5 notecard with the formulas, whereas the girl (Sara) did. So regardless of whether my tutoring helped her or not, she probably did better than me on the test...and I'm supposed to be better at math! Funny but not good.
Also, calculus was boring as usual, and I found out that I fucked up bigtime on a problem on our last test...he gave us the key but hadn't graded our tests yet, and I found out that I mistook one process (finding dy/dx of an equation with y's and x's) with the first step of that process (implied differentiation). So I only did step 1 of a 3 or 4 step problem. Basically, I'm feeling mathematically shitty after tonight, yet I've never felt more happy toward programming after Tuesday...we're supposed to make a class that aids with computing various operations involving fractions, and I almost completely finished it in that hour of labtime, and was having fun doing it. That's a nice turn around from the last few weeks where I couldn't even concentrate in the lab.
So now it's at the end of the day...I just don't know what to think. Sara was a cool chick and freakin gorgeous, but something tells me that today wasn't a key into friendship or anything. Maybe if I was good looking it would be different, but I know that I have to work harder toward getting girls because I'm not good looking.
Actually, that made me realize something...I think the ultimate subconscious reason why I couldn't keep myself exercising on the bike was because I know that fat or thin, my face won't loko all that much better. I'll always have a huge head, big nose, fucked up teeth, glasses (well, I'm considering laser surgery, but I can't afford it yet), and that "weird" aura that seems to make people treat me as if I'm a "laugh at" funny person. Nothing pains me more than when I feel like someone is thinking of me like they would a dog, like I'm there to amuse them, like I don't have a life or a mind. Sometimes I roll with it, because sometimes people are like that in more of a playful manner rather than demeaning manner. Example: In 1st year of Spanish, we had a group project...to make a commercial in Spanish. I had 2 girls in my group. One of them already had in mind what she wanted to do and the other girl and I were pretty much passive, so we went with her idea. I won't go into it, but in the end my character in the commercial is a fuckin weird ass freak. I mean it was one of those things where I think she wanted to do it just to see me make an ass of myself, but after a bit of disliking it, I just sorta gave in and was like "well, people will find it funny, so may as well do it". I think she was just doing it for the sake of humor.
A week ago, we had little group presentation speeches in Speech class. I don't think my first speech in there (the one about MIDI) went over very well in coolness. Anyways, I was intentionally absent the class before, so I had no idea we had to do the group presentation. The teacher said I could join whichever group I wanted, so I put myself into a group of about 7 guys, a few of which had funny first speeches. I just wanted to be in a funny group. Anyways, one of the guys in the group was kind of an asshole. He was among those who was silently snickering at the effeminate dude who talked about Brazilian waxing (maybe I should thank him for inspiring me to think about the DBC scale).
Anyways, during our discussion about the speech, he said a couple snide remarks about me that he probably thought I wouldn't get or something...it didn't really matter except I basically knew that he didn't think too highly of me. Anyways, we ultimately decided to do the speech on why everyone should move to Sweden (we had a Swedish guy in our group). He said that I should do one of the testimonials, saying that I had all sorts of STDs and that American women wouldn't touch me, but after moving to Sweden, the STDs magically went away and I had sex with all sorts of hot women. It felt exactly like the Spanish commercial, except I knew he was doing it to watch me pretty much make an ass of myself. Once again, for the sake of humor, I didn't care, but still, I felt like shit after that day. Just because I'm fat, not too good looking, and act a little weird, people think they can fuck with my dignity and I won't notice.
I'm too fuckin nice for my own good...I've let people take advantage of me all throughout my life just because I hate provocations. I need a Fight Club or somethin. My self confidence is almost shot beyond repair, thanks to growing up with my mom. I would never wish my mom to raise my worst enemy in their childhood...I basically raised myself, except that I absorbed the negativity my mom kept hitting me with.
I guess I'll leave it at that.
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Anyways, the meat of the day was after speech class, at around 2:30. I was gonna tutor a girl in my Statistics class. I didn't know which girl...all I knew was that she sat in the front row, which was kind of a funny clue cuz the hottest and the ugliest girls sit in the front row. Anyways, I got to the library at college where we were meeting, and was like awestruck. She was GORGEOUS!
So...we go up to one of the floors of the library where we can talk so that I could tutor her. It didn't occur to me that I probably should have at least looked a little through the book before tutoring...there was some stuff I didn't know that I should have, like if there's P(N) with a line over the N it means P(not N). There was also some of the hard formulas that I didn't know. I'm not sure if I seemed dumb, or if she was too math illiterate to notice how dumb I was. Anyways, time flew (about 2 hours). We had some smalltalk during the whole thing, but it wasn't anything special. The funny thing about it was that it almost felt like we were just studying Stats together, but I had said at the beginning that I "guess $5 would be ok", so at the end when she gave me $5, I felt bad about it. It's funny in itself though cuz right now I'm sorta broke, cuz I haven't turned in my timesheet for like 3 weeks, so that $5 was my dinner tonight, and I'm broke again, hehehe.
Anyways, 5 pm comes around...Stats class starts, the testing begins...and guess what happens? Some of these formulas I didn't really know show up on 3 of the 5 problems. Chances are I got a D or an F on the test, cuz I was too foolish not to make a 3x5 notecard with the formulas, whereas the girl (Sara) did. So regardless of whether my tutoring helped her or not, she probably did better than me on the test...and I'm supposed to be better at math! Funny but not good.
Also, calculus was boring as usual, and I found out that I fucked up bigtime on a problem on our last test...he gave us the key but hadn't graded our tests yet, and I found out that I mistook one process (finding dy/dx of an equation with y's and x's) with the first step of that process (implied differentiation). So I only did step 1 of a 3 or 4 step problem. Basically, I'm feeling mathematically shitty after tonight, yet I've never felt more happy toward programming after Tuesday...we're supposed to make a class that aids with computing various operations involving fractions, and I almost completely finished it in that hour of labtime, and was having fun doing it. That's a nice turn around from the last few weeks where I couldn't even concentrate in the lab.
So now it's at the end of the day...I just don't know what to think. Sara was a cool chick and freakin gorgeous, but something tells me that today wasn't a key into friendship or anything. Maybe if I was good looking it would be different, but I know that I have to work harder toward getting girls because I'm not good looking.
Actually, that made me realize something...I think the ultimate subconscious reason why I couldn't keep myself exercising on the bike was because I know that fat or thin, my face won't loko all that much better. I'll always have a huge head, big nose, fucked up teeth, glasses (well, I'm considering laser surgery, but I can't afford it yet), and that "weird" aura that seems to make people treat me as if I'm a "laugh at" funny person. Nothing pains me more than when I feel like someone is thinking of me like they would a dog, like I'm there to amuse them, like I don't have a life or a mind. Sometimes I roll with it, because sometimes people are like that in more of a playful manner rather than demeaning manner. Example: In 1st year of Spanish, we had a group project...to make a commercial in Spanish. I had 2 girls in my group. One of them already had in mind what she wanted to do and the other girl and I were pretty much passive, so we went with her idea. I won't go into it, but in the end my character in the commercial is a fuckin weird ass freak. I mean it was one of those things where I think she wanted to do it just to see me make an ass of myself, but after a bit of disliking it, I just sorta gave in and was like "well, people will find it funny, so may as well do it". I think she was just doing it for the sake of humor.
A week ago, we had little group presentation speeches in Speech class. I don't think my first speech in there (the one about MIDI) went over very well in coolness. Anyways, I was intentionally absent the class before, so I had no idea we had to do the group presentation. The teacher said I could join whichever group I wanted, so I put myself into a group of about 7 guys, a few of which had funny first speeches. I just wanted to be in a funny group. Anyways, one of the guys in the group was kind of an asshole. He was among those who was silently snickering at the effeminate dude who talked about Brazilian waxing (maybe I should thank him for inspiring me to think about the DBC scale).
Anyways, during our discussion about the speech, he said a couple snide remarks about me that he probably thought I wouldn't get or something...it didn't really matter except I basically knew that he didn't think too highly of me. Anyways, we ultimately decided to do the speech on why everyone should move to Sweden (we had a Swedish guy in our group). He said that I should do one of the testimonials, saying that I had all sorts of STDs and that American women wouldn't touch me, but after moving to Sweden, the STDs magically went away and I had sex with all sorts of hot women. It felt exactly like the Spanish commercial, except I knew he was doing it to watch me pretty much make an ass of myself. Once again, for the sake of humor, I didn't care, but still, I felt like shit after that day. Just because I'm fat, not too good looking, and act a little weird, people think they can fuck with my dignity and I won't notice.
I'm too fuckin nice for my own good...I've let people take advantage of me all throughout my life just because I hate provocations. I need a Fight Club or somethin. My self confidence is almost shot beyond repair, thanks to growing up with my mom. I would never wish my mom to raise my worst enemy in their childhood...I basically raised myself, except that I absorbed the negativity my mom kept hitting me with.
I guess I'll leave it at that.
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