Lobster Cowboy
New member
It's been a long time since I've felt so acutely depressed. Just flat out wanting to cry.
I guess I'll just start at the beginning, and go from there.
Two and a half years ago, I was feeling lonely after breaking up with this girl, so after a friend found his girlfriend through the personals, I decided to give it a try.
I stumbled this girl who seemed so different from the others. I guess you'd call her the proverbial "diamond in the rough." She just seemed to compliment me in every way. I saved her profile, but didn't contact her, fearing the idea of online dating.
Every week, however I would look at her profile, feeling this impulse to contact her. In September of 2003, two months after first seeing her picture, I paid the 19.95, and talked to her. She got back to me right away.
We began exchanging e-mails, and I was hooked. She was smart, witty, and I felt like I could say anything to her. It was like I found a best friend across the void.
I had wanted to meet her, or at the very least wanted to call her, but something always got in the way. She was shy, and very hesitant. For three months we talked, never getting any closer to meeting.
On a chance meeting in a bar, a co-worker of mine introduced me to one of her friends. She was really attractive, with this rock and roll attitude. We exchanged numbers at the end of the night, and I wasn't sure if I would call her. I had this gut feeling that my online girl was the real deal, so I made a last ditch attempt to get her to meet me.
Unfortunately, she was out of state at a family funeral, and didn't get my e-mail for a week. By that time, I had finally called the girl from the bar, and we got into a relationship. In the back of my head, though, I still wanted the first girl, and certainly didn't want a love triangle. On the advice of a friend, I kept the bird in the hand, and told the online girl I met someone else.
Yet I never forgot about her. Or stopped e-mailing her.
Flash forward two years later. Over this long stretch of time, I still hadn't met the girl, but was convinced she was my far-off love. It just kept getting bigger and bigger, and my heart was starting to blow up.
In that two years, I had broken up with my girl a few times, but got back together. After the first break-up, I had told the online girl I was single again. I figured I would keep that channel open. What she didn't know, was that I had gotten back together with my girl a month later, and I continue to see her to this day.
So anyway, after two years of strict e-mail correspondence we got our chance to meet this weekend. After over 700 consecutive days of never being together, the distance would end. I would finally get to see her, touch her, smell her. I felt guilty about meeting her, especially since I already had a girl, but it was something I had to do.
So I drove 70 miles to see her, and it was the biggest disappointment of my life. There was no magic, no feeling of home, no love. It was somewhat awkward, with no natural flow between us. I've never been so crushed.
For two years, I had built this girl into "it". Everyday the myth grew stronger, until no woman on earth could live up to it, not even the girl. I feel like such a fool. A fool for never committing to my current girl because I was always waiting for the other one. For going to this poor girl's house with outrageous expectations, only to be visibly crushed in front of her. As if it was her fault.
It was all mine. I feel like such an asshole. I feel so empty. I know it'll pass, but I had to tell this story to others who might be pining after some girl. You aren't in love with her. You're in love with the version you made in your head. When the imaginary woman dies, a part of you will die as well. You'll feel empty, because the tenuous fantasy is over. You had nothing, but at least you had your dream. When the dream is gone, too, it's almost too much to bear.
I know I sound like a prick, because even after all this I'm NOT single, and haven't been for a while. I think I should probably focus on the real things in my life, and when I talk to former-Internet girl, get to know the actual person. Become a true friend to her, instead of some obsessed paramour.
The biggest obstacle is what to do with my girl. With the fantasy girl out my life, I have no "bigger better" thing hanging over my head. Is it time to give my heart to her, or let her go for good?
I don't know, but one thing is certain. Before I met the Internet girl, I said to myself, "This is going to send your life into upheaval, you know that?"
I couldn’t have been more right.
I guess I'll just start at the beginning, and go from there.
Two and a half years ago, I was feeling lonely after breaking up with this girl, so after a friend found his girlfriend through the personals, I decided to give it a try.
I stumbled this girl who seemed so different from the others. I guess you'd call her the proverbial "diamond in the rough." She just seemed to compliment me in every way. I saved her profile, but didn't contact her, fearing the idea of online dating.
Every week, however I would look at her profile, feeling this impulse to contact her. In September of 2003, two months after first seeing her picture, I paid the 19.95, and talked to her. She got back to me right away.
We began exchanging e-mails, and I was hooked. She was smart, witty, and I felt like I could say anything to her. It was like I found a best friend across the void.
I had wanted to meet her, or at the very least wanted to call her, but something always got in the way. She was shy, and very hesitant. For three months we talked, never getting any closer to meeting.
On a chance meeting in a bar, a co-worker of mine introduced me to one of her friends. She was really attractive, with this rock and roll attitude. We exchanged numbers at the end of the night, and I wasn't sure if I would call her. I had this gut feeling that my online girl was the real deal, so I made a last ditch attempt to get her to meet me.
Unfortunately, she was out of state at a family funeral, and didn't get my e-mail for a week. By that time, I had finally called the girl from the bar, and we got into a relationship. In the back of my head, though, I still wanted the first girl, and certainly didn't want a love triangle. On the advice of a friend, I kept the bird in the hand, and told the online girl I met someone else.
Yet I never forgot about her. Or stopped e-mailing her.
Flash forward two years later. Over this long stretch of time, I still hadn't met the girl, but was convinced she was my far-off love. It just kept getting bigger and bigger, and my heart was starting to blow up.
In that two years, I had broken up with my girl a few times, but got back together. After the first break-up, I had told the online girl I was single again. I figured I would keep that channel open. What she didn't know, was that I had gotten back together with my girl a month later, and I continue to see her to this day.
So anyway, after two years of strict e-mail correspondence we got our chance to meet this weekend. After over 700 consecutive days of never being together, the distance would end. I would finally get to see her, touch her, smell her. I felt guilty about meeting her, especially since I already had a girl, but it was something I had to do.
So I drove 70 miles to see her, and it was the biggest disappointment of my life. There was no magic, no feeling of home, no love. It was somewhat awkward, with no natural flow between us. I've never been so crushed.
For two years, I had built this girl into "it". Everyday the myth grew stronger, until no woman on earth could live up to it, not even the girl. I feel like such a fool. A fool for never committing to my current girl because I was always waiting for the other one. For going to this poor girl's house with outrageous expectations, only to be visibly crushed in front of her. As if it was her fault.
It was all mine. I feel like such an asshole. I feel so empty. I know it'll pass, but I had to tell this story to others who might be pining after some girl. You aren't in love with her. You're in love with the version you made in your head. When the imaginary woman dies, a part of you will die as well. You'll feel empty, because the tenuous fantasy is over. You had nothing, but at least you had your dream. When the dream is gone, too, it's almost too much to bear.
I know I sound like a prick, because even after all this I'm NOT single, and haven't been for a while. I think I should probably focus on the real things in my life, and when I talk to former-Internet girl, get to know the actual person. Become a true friend to her, instead of some obsessed paramour.
The biggest obstacle is what to do with my girl. With the fantasy girl out my life, I have no "bigger better" thing hanging over my head. Is it time to give my heart to her, or let her go for good?
I don't know, but one thing is certain. Before I met the Internet girl, I said to myself, "This is going to send your life into upheaval, you know that?"
I couldn’t have been more right.
Don't stop looking until you're with a person where ... you can look at them and say "I don't know what I would've done had I not found a person like you who is like "this and this and this and this" and " I could never find this in someone else; you're the best person for me"
