A very long story.

Lobster Cowboy

New member
It's been a long time since I've felt so acutely depressed. Just flat out wanting to cry.

I guess I'll just start at the beginning, and go from there.

Two and a half years ago, I was feeling lonely after breaking up with this girl, so after a friend found his girlfriend through the personals, I decided to give it a try.

I stumbled this girl who seemed so different from the others. I guess you'd call her the proverbial "diamond in the rough." She just seemed to compliment me in every way. I saved her profile, but didn't contact her, fearing the idea of online dating.

Every week, however I would look at her profile, feeling this impulse to contact her. In September of 2003, two months after first seeing her picture, I paid the 19.95, and talked to her. She got back to me right away.

We began exchanging e-mails, and I was hooked. She was smart, witty, and I felt like I could say anything to her. It was like I found a best friend across the void.

I had wanted to meet her, or at the very least wanted to call her, but something always got in the way. She was shy, and very hesitant. For three months we talked, never getting any closer to meeting.

On a chance meeting in a bar, a co-worker of mine introduced me to one of her friends. She was really attractive, with this rock and roll attitude. We exchanged numbers at the end of the night, and I wasn't sure if I would call her. I had this gut feeling that my online girl was the real deal, so I made a last ditch attempt to get her to meet me.

Unfortunately, she was out of state at a family funeral, and didn't get my e-mail for a week. By that time, I had finally called the girl from the bar, and we got into a relationship. In the back of my head, though, I still wanted the first girl, and certainly didn't want a love triangle. On the advice of a friend, I kept the bird in the hand, and told the online girl I met someone else.

Yet I never forgot about her. Or stopped e-mailing her.

Flash forward two years later. Over this long stretch of time, I still hadn't met the girl, but was convinced she was my far-off love. It just kept getting bigger and bigger, and my heart was starting to blow up.

In that two years, I had broken up with my girl a few times, but got back together. After the first break-up, I had told the online girl I was single again. I figured I would keep that channel open. What she didn't know, was that I had gotten back together with my girl a month later, and I continue to see her to this day.

So anyway, after two years of strict e-mail correspondence we got our chance to meet this weekend. After over 700 consecutive days of never being together, the distance would end. I would finally get to see her, touch her, smell her. I felt guilty about meeting her, especially since I already had a girl, but it was something I had to do.

So I drove 70 miles to see her, and it was the biggest disappointment of my life. There was no magic, no feeling of home, no love. It was somewhat awkward, with no natural flow between us. I've never been so crushed.

For two years, I had built this girl into "it". Everyday the myth grew stronger, until no woman on earth could live up to it, not even the girl. I feel like such a fool. A fool for never committing to my current girl because I was always waiting for the other one. For going to this poor girl's house with outrageous expectations, only to be visibly crushed in front of her. As if it was her fault.

It was all mine. I feel like such an asshole. I feel so empty. I know it'll pass, but I had to tell this story to others who might be pining after some girl. You aren't in love with her. You're in love with the version you made in your head. When the imaginary woman dies, a part of you will die as well. You'll feel empty, because the tenuous fantasy is over. You had nothing, but at least you had your dream. When the dream is gone, too, it's almost too much to bear.

I know I sound like a prick, because even after all this I'm NOT single, and haven't been for a while. I think I should probably focus on the real things in my life, and when I talk to former-Internet girl, get to know the actual person. Become a true friend to her, instead of some obsessed paramour.

The biggest obstacle is what to do with my girl. With the fantasy girl out my life, I have no "bigger better" thing hanging over my head. Is it time to give my heart to her, or let her go for good?

I don't know, but one thing is certain. Before I met the Internet girl, I said to myself, "This is going to send your life into upheaval, you know that?"

I couldn’t have been more right.
You make it sound like this girl you're seeing now has no real value to you in your life. If that's the case, you should probably do her a favor and call it quits, because whats a relationship (Especially one that has been on for 2 years) without the love?

But if that is not the case, then you have a choice laid out in front of you. Either try again with Internet girl, or keep on rockin with Rocker chick, to put it bluntly.

Either way you choose to go, you should strive to make yourself fulfilled with that person. Even if Internet girl doesn't work out, which based on your vivid description of failure won't, it's not like it will be the end of the world. At the end of the day, just know you did all you could.

Choice is relative. Whichever way you go will lead to a new opportunity. A new choice. You might feel hesitant to make that choice, but nobody is rushing you. If you choose rocker chick, at least you know you have a steady thing going with her. If you choose internet chick, then you've found someone who shares all your interests and compliments you the most.

Either way, it seems like you've got happiness in your future. You shouldn't feel ashamed because of how your first real impression went. It's not going to stop the way you feel for her, is it? Just a few moments before you met, you complimented each other so well. Why should it be different now?

If I may say so, either way you toss your loonie, you're always gonna come up with gold. <img src=smilies/thumb.gif>
I think this just goes to show the issues with online (or even phone) relationships. You don't get the full picture.

<img src=smilies/mystery.gif>
> I think this just goes to show the issues with online (or
> even phone) relationships. You don't get the full picture.

I gotta agree there.
You can "be" with someone for... months or even years on the 'net, and once you get together with them, usually one of two things will happen:

1. You will never talk to them again after you go back home, or you'll break up shortly after
2. You will stay with them a while longer, but it will feel forced... and it will eventually fizzle out.

At least, that's been the case with every single online relationship I've ever attempted to nurture. The best relationships are the ones where you meet the person face-to-face to begin with, and you get to KNOW the person in that same manner, without the ability to hide your flaws behind carefully chosen typed words.

A few years ago, I would've been a bigger advocate of online relationships, but the illusion was pretty much destroyed after finally throwing in the towel on an online relationship I was trying to maintain... that, and seeing a couple who I respected... who met online and got married... get divorced, heh.

Don't ever hold out for second best, or you will spend the rest of your life searching for what you're missing out on. Pick the person who is the BEST and stay with them. Don't stop searching 'til you find him/her :) Don't stop looking until you're with a person where ... you can look at them and say "I don't know what I would've done had I not found a person like you who is like "this and this and this and this" and " I could never find this in someone else; you're the best person for me"

or something... <img src=smilies/retard.gif>
I'd largely agree. That said, I met my wife online. And HATED her. *laugh* She HATED me. But, for some reason, we were still pulled to talk to each other. It took... a year? Two? Before we finally admitted to each other that we DID like each other, and WERE attracted to each other.

We waited until we were both single "in real life", and persued each other online, with emails, IMs, phone calls, and webcams. Maybe that's the difference - we would get home from school or work, grab the headset, pop on the webcam, and chat with each other. We got months to talk about anything and everything, and to see each other as we talked.

She moved in with me and my family not long after that. It wasn't a... romantic moving in, it was providing her with freedom from an abusive mother. Nevertheless, our relationship just CLICKED from the get-go. Having had some bad relationships, we entered into ours with open minds, and little expectations. We knew that living together was completely different from talking.

But it worked out. We planned on having a handfasting, which is an official engagement that lasts for a year, but one of Andrea's exes came out of the woodwork and said he would crash the ceremony (it was going to be at a public convention)... and when our Priestess couldn't make it, we said "hell with it", and got married instead. In May, we'll have been married for three years.
> but one of
> Andrea's exes came out of the woodwork and said he would
> crash the ceremony

Charming guy. Let me guess: At the same time that he was making an obnoxious threat like that, he still couldn't understand why he didn't deserve her back. <img src=smilies/upeyes.gif>

Anyway, I'm glad everything worked out great for you.

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> Thank you. :) All of that said, I've still had a number of
> bad online relationships.

Yeah, but still, a person can't make the broad sweeping generalization that any online relationship will be horrible or not work at all. I think you've shown it can go either way. I'm not saying it wouldn't be difficult at times (I know all about this).
Remember, it can ALWAYS be worse. In this case, you could have maybe had a good first meeting with the girl, and maybe a couple more until you come to find something up with her. In that time, you probably would have broken up with your girl to be with this other girl. Then you find your dream girl was not what she seemed online or even in person the first few times, and voilah, you're single again wondering what the fuck just happened.

The last girl I was heavily into I met online. We talked endlessly nearly every day for the first week or two, and I met her in person and got even more hooked. I thought for sure she was my dream girl. Unfortunately, after a while it became apparent rather quickly that she just wasn't into it. Now, I know her enough that I can find plenty about her not to like and plenty of reasons why we wouldn't have made a good couple, but initially I thought we were a perfect freaking match. We liked just about all the same things, were similar in many ways, had similar senses of humor, both found each other attractive, enjoyed talking to each other, etc. I still don't know what the fuck her problem was with me and I don't know if I ever will figure that out, but that's all I really needed to know.

Strangely enough, I've since met up again with the first girl I ever met offline from the internet (7 years ago, I was 16 she was 17), and found out how important it is to have a 2-way connection. We're considerably less similar, like a lot less of the same stuff, and physically the other girl is a lot more beautiful, but with the 2-way connection going, I'm as attracted to her as I was to the other girl (would be more so but after all I have only seen her once since talking to her again). It's not even so much a chemistry thing...we're good enough friends and are just enough attracted to each other that we could wind up bf/gf from it...amazing considering a seemingly perfect match with that other girl and she isn't even my friend anymore. The world is fucked up sometimes.
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