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Old 03-27-2002, 04:46 AM   #1
Disch
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Default I wasn't gonna do this, but...

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This is kind of a mini-life story rant/gripe/whatever.
very long
probably not that interesting.

I wasn't going to post here for the following reasons:

1) I actually try to kind of stay away from this forum... it's kind of a downer. I only browse like 1 out of every 15 or so threads in here.

2) I've tried to keep my internet 'life' and my real life seperate as much as possible.

3) Posting something like this will probably change a lot of people's opinions about me... this doesn't really concern me that much... but still.

4) As you've probably already noticed... this thread is pretty long =P. I didn't really want to put a big fat thread here that a lot of you won't want to read (I never have had the patience for exceedingly long threads)


but I'm posting because I really need to get some stuff off my chest. I am NOT asking for anybody's sympathy. I really don't want you guys to think that. This is stuff I need people to hear, but I couldn't say to anyone I know (IRL).


Anyway, where to start. I've always hated school with a passion. I had decent grades through grade school... then maybe a B average in middle school... C average my freshman year... barly passing my Sophomore year... and straight F's my Junior year. I just stopped caring.

Even after that, everyone around me is convinced that I'm a genious. They say I'm one of those "too smart for school" types. I think it's bullshit. I know algebra... I knew algrebra at an early age... I understand math so I learn it quickly. For some reason that gives people the impression that I'm intelligent. I never read... my vocabulary sucks... my memory is bad... I have horrible reading/verbal comprehension... and my attention span is incredibly short. Somehow I don't buy the notion that I'm a genious.

Anyway, instead of dropping out of school... I "tested" out. Which basically means the same thing except I had to take a test made for morons and I got a "diploma equivilent"... which I've already lost... maybe I threw it out... I dunno. Then I get a job at Best Buy. Not so bad at first. A lot of annoying customers, but the work is easy... the people are cool... it's not so bad.

After 7 months... it's fucking hell. I hate customers... my bosses bitch at me, we're understaffed, they schedule me closing one night (until 11:00), and opening the next day (at 6:00)... over and over. When I do have a day off, they call me in. Then they start scheduling me for overnighters. What the fuck is that. I quit.

Get a job at a state-wide restaurant chain as a busser. Better pay, better hours, better work, better people, customers aren't bitchy... it's much better. I actually kind of like it.

4 months later.. I hate it. It gets to the point where seeing a customer walk in the door makes me sick... because it means more work for me to do... but I endure it. It's still 1000x better than Best Buy.

So anyway, my sister is going to college. She hated school too... but she grew up and now she loves it. She's taking Algebra and Geometry... stuff I know... so she asks me for help.. I help her. No sweat. Later she goes on a cruise or something with her fiencee (sp?), I'm happy for her. But she wants me to sit in on her classes and take notes for her while she's gone. I say "no", but my Dad (who's sour that I left school and really wants me to go back... because of course... I'm a genious) in a way forces me to accept... or at least gives me a bunch of shit about why I should. So whatever.

Time comes to go to the class. I get there.. go in the classroom.. get in front of a desk... and freeze in my tracks. My stomach feels like it's gonna cave in. I turn around... walk out the door and head home. Until that day I completely forgot how much I hated school.

My sis gets pissed... tells my dad... I don't know what my dad's reaction was... he didn't say a thing to me. All I know is he's making me see a shrink. Now this isn't the first time they've talked about this. When I was tanking my grades in HS, I guess they got a little concerned that something was up... but they never did anything about it. Anyway, this time it really happened.

Seeing a shrink is like hell for me (what a suprise).. an hour and a half of questions that I don't know the answer to, head games, and constantly being stared at.

One day, (like the 5th or so visit), she brings a test that I have to take... like a school test... you know, fill in true or false with a No.2 pencil. 700 some questions. I answer them truthfully.. no big deal. It's better than your average session.

Results come back... it shows that I
- was telling the truth (I guess it asked multiple similar questions to see if your answers were consistent)
- suffer from severe social anxiety
- am deeply depressed
- am midly schizophrenic

My shrink is convinced that this is totally accurate... and she gives examples from previous sessions to further confirm the results. And since there was nothing really traumatic about my childhood (there really wasn't), she thinks it's a natural chemical imbalance in my brain. The only way out is medication.

Fuck... my whole life I've avoided drugs. I don't even take aspirin. Now I'm gonna have to fucking pop a happy pill every morning. Appointment gets scheduled to see another Psychiatrist (my shrink is a Psychologist) so he can prescribe something. I go mid April.

Since then (this was maybe a month ago.. but I really don't know... I have no concept of time)... I can say for sure that I've gotten a lot MORE depressed. And a lot MORE social anxiety. It's weird... it's like everything just dulls out. Foods lost it's taste... things I once loved are now really boring... I can't fucking sleep... and I can't fucking get up in the morning.

A few nights the past couple of weeks I've actually had to cry myself to sleep. Fucking 19 year old crying in bed.

It's just getting worse and worse. I had the day off today.... stayed inside all day. What did I do? Fucking sat in my room... Ate 4 slices of pizza. Tried to go outside... didn't want to. Turned on the TV, but it was boring. Flipped on some VG's.. got bored out of my mind. Tried doing a bit of programming... writer's block. Tried listening to music... just gave me a headache (even soothing music).

Now I look at myself. It's 8:45... I have to work a double shift tomorrow (work is getting harder and harder to go to).. I've spent the last hour or so typing this. I don't want to stay up because there's nothing to do. I don't want to sleep because the sooner I sleep.. the sooner I work.

So yeah... that's pretty much the story. If you managed to read the whole thing (something tells me ZeldaDD read it [img]/wwwthreads/images/icons/tongue.gif[/img]) I'm impressed.

Now I'm gonna quick click "Continue" before I chicken out

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Old 03-27-2002, 05:24 AM   #2
Vampiro
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Default Re: I wasn't gonna do this, but...

Chemical Unbalance and Depression sucks..

i know what you're feeling dude.. i live it every single fucking day..
its nothing to be ashmed off.. i told the world to fuck off or i'l put a bullet in everybody who attacks my lifestyle..

its allready hard enough to have this problem.

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Old 03-27-2002, 05:25 AM   #3
shawn
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Default Re: I wasn't gonna do this, but...

If you are depressed like I was which seems very likely from the post then they'll probably give you zoloft or prozac, and I'll tell you what, you'll love this medication, no more worries, no more fear, no more stress, it's a happy pill if you need it and you sound like you do, take either of them and you'll feel great in a couple of days.

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Old 03-27-2002, 05:27 AM   #4
Vampiro
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Default Re: I wasn't gonna do this, but...

> you need it and you sound like you do, take either of them
> and you'll feel great in a couple of days.
>

Yeah unless he has the same problem like me and the pills dont do anything..

Damn prozac only made me dizzy[img]/wwwthreads/images/icons/tongue.gif[/img]

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Old 03-27-2002, 03:04 PM   #5
icenine0
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Default I agree.

Find something you love to do, something to look forward to every day, and things will brighten up a bit.


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Old 03-27-2002, 05:09 PM   #6
puduhead
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Default Re: I wasn't gonna do this, but...

I have a lot of similar feelings disch. I had my "come to jesus" experience with how much I hate school too - passionately.

I have social anxieties - I fucking like masterbating to pron better than real life sex!! :'<

And I get easily bored, etc... all I can say is i can relate to what you are going through. I've been to counseling - took myself in for it. I got referred to a Psychiatrist - take my daily anti-depressants now. A lot of times, I'm happiest by myself. But on the other hand, I get incredibly lonely eventually.

I got drunk last night - and that was a relief. It's been a week or two since I pounded down the booze. I think getting drunk one night a week keeps me sane.

Hang in there man. You're not alone.



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Old 03-27-2002, 07:13 PM   #7
Kabucho
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Default Damn

Damn Discho, i'm sorry man. Life is shitty. Trust me, life has treated me the worse out of everyone i know. I ended dropping out of HS because I didn't like it for reasons pending. Maybe it was because my mom passed away at such an early age of my life? Or maybe because my family thought I was gonna be a genious, too. I really don't know man. Weird thing is, I'm going back to HS.

I got counseling when my mom passed away. I was in the 8th grade, and by that time, I was so so in school. What really blows is that I think I was being tested in a way i didn't know of, for reasons i don't really know of. My sister ended up telling me recently that the reason why I was the only one who got counseling was because I didn't cry when I found out, or when I went to her funeral. I mean, I found out at school, was in the middle of something, don't remember, and it came to so much of a shock to me, I didn't know what to do.

Well shit, Disch man, I'll talk to you tonight.

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Old 03-27-2002, 09:43 PM   #8
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Default Re: I wasn't gonna do this, but...

> A few nights the past couple of weeks I've actually had to
> cry myself to sleep. Fucking 19 year old crying in bed.

I went through a time period when I would cry myself to sleep at least 4 days a week, every week, for around 2 years. That was when I was 20. A couple nights ago, I did again, for the first time in nearly 3 years. The reasons why are for me and me alone, but I will mention that I knew why it was happening and found a way to cope.

Regardless of what any shrink will tell you, no one is simply depressed or what-have-you . . . As simple-minded as this will sound, I'm telling you that you are depressed because you're not happy (my God, that was pretty bad). Anyway, you need to figure out whatever it is you are missing in your life and find a way to fill in the gap.

My God I sound like a really poorly scripted movie.

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Old 03-28-2002, 04:03 AM   #9
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Default Re: I wasn't gonna do this, but...

Okay. . big reply time . . sorta. . with suggestions

1. You're not stupid, .. you lear n differently.. I had a friend who learned in a way that NO ONE UNDERSTOOD. I'm willing to bet you learn much the same way. Try different ways of learning things.

2. If you are depressed. I suggest getting out more. it helped me. . I was depressed for a long time. But i said fuck you depression, and started going out and having fun.

3. don't dwell on things. I almost get the impression you dwel on things. if something happens. learn from it. . and move on. don't dwell on things. It is what probably is making your depression worse

4. if you need to chat anytime. . i'm here. you can msg me on AIM at xteenwolfx.

5. good luck.



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Old 03-28-2002, 05:10 AM   #10
Disch
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Default Re: I wasn't gonna do this, but...

> > you need it and you sound like you do, take either of them
>
> > and you'll feel great in a couple of days.
> >
>
> Yeah unless he has the same problem like me and the pills
> dont do anything..
>
> Damn prozac only made me dizzy
>

It's just that you see those commercials for prescription drugs... and 2/3rds of it is them listing the sideeffects. That shit's scary. And that's only what they tell you.


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