JadussD
09-22-2003, 05:00 PM
Today I woke up to some unexpected surprises. The day seemed perfectly fine, at least for about ten seconds. I opened my eyes as per usual, staring at the wall. Then, I suddenly noticed that the wall had changed into what appeared to be a cross between a diseased rat and a very elderly vampire within my field of vision. It stared at me, I stared back, more than a little frightened. It then bared it's fangs and sunk them into my right eye. This caused a great deal of pain, as the gooey insides of my eyes were sucked dry through the horrible creature's fangs, all while I thrashed around my bedroom, knocking over my lamp and tobacco stand and various unimportant tidbits. I shrieked in pain, spraying blood everywhere. My eye was a horse-cock taking a bloody piss. In the midst of it all, my mind caught an interesting triviality: on the wall, I had scrawled "SLAYER". Now, it was covered with my blood.
It was RAINING BLOOD...FROM A LACERATED EYE!
I didn't really think about this awesome coincidence (and subsequent pun), since I had a corpse-feeding vampire rat attached to what once was a very nice blue eye of mine. I grabbed the rat, and reached for a cross hanging on my wall. Unfortunately, it was an inverted cross, and the vampire rat seemed to grow more powerful the more I hit it with it. I didn't know they could tell. Shouldn't a cross just be a fucking cross when it comes to vampires, especially rodent vampires?
Stronger than ever, the rat threatened to burrow down into my brain through my gaping red eye-socket. However, fortune was ever-so-briefly on my side, as I reached for a pencil of hope, and promptly impaled the scum-sucking vermin on it. I then picked up my lighter, set it on fire, cock-slapped it, strapped six M-80s to it, blew it up, picked up the pieces, glued them back together, and then shit on it. I was fucking pissed at it.
However, I soon realized that I should probably call an ambulance and get to a hospital, as I was dismembered, covered in blood, and screaming in pain. I called 911, and rather quickly the paramedics arrived. I was strapped to a gurney, and transported to the ambulance with the greatest of haste. Unfortunately, the paramedics were Adolf Hitler, Pol Pot, and Satan. I wasn't too happy when I realized this, and even less happy when Pol Pot turned on a large electric cattle prod, shoved it up my rectum, and left it there. This provided all kinds of interesting sensations on my body, and the smell of fecal matter and my bowels mixing in a pungent, burning aroma was sickening to say the least. Satan laughed, and suddenly I was in another world. He was standing over my grandmother's grave, which was floating in the ether like an island in a sea of nothingness. No sooner was he standing over her grave than he was digging through the dirt, throwing huge chunks of decayed grass and mud into the air. Then I heard scratching upon wood, as his claws tore through the casket. What happened next was disturbing. He picked up her body, now a skeleton, and threw it into the air. He then spit out a ball of blazing hellfire, which enveloped her and melted her bones. Her spirit rose from this mess, and it's light was extinguished by Satan's dark powers. Suddenly I was sucked back to Earth in a blazing whirlwind of fire and ice, light and dark, and I promptly landed back in the ambulance.
Hitler bowed down, Pol Pot bowed down. In the distance, others bowed down. I saw Nero, Vlad Tepes Dracula, Elisabeth Bathory, Charles Manson, and that guy from Jonestown. Satan was no longer visible to me, but I could feel his presence within myself. I laughed.
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It was RAINING BLOOD...FROM A LACERATED EYE!
I didn't really think about this awesome coincidence (and subsequent pun), since I had a corpse-feeding vampire rat attached to what once was a very nice blue eye of mine. I grabbed the rat, and reached for a cross hanging on my wall. Unfortunately, it was an inverted cross, and the vampire rat seemed to grow more powerful the more I hit it with it. I didn't know they could tell. Shouldn't a cross just be a fucking cross when it comes to vampires, especially rodent vampires?
Stronger than ever, the rat threatened to burrow down into my brain through my gaping red eye-socket. However, fortune was ever-so-briefly on my side, as I reached for a pencil of hope, and promptly impaled the scum-sucking vermin on it. I then picked up my lighter, set it on fire, cock-slapped it, strapped six M-80s to it, blew it up, picked up the pieces, glued them back together, and then shit on it. I was fucking pissed at it.
However, I soon realized that I should probably call an ambulance and get to a hospital, as I was dismembered, covered in blood, and screaming in pain. I called 911, and rather quickly the paramedics arrived. I was strapped to a gurney, and transported to the ambulance with the greatest of haste. Unfortunately, the paramedics were Adolf Hitler, Pol Pot, and Satan. I wasn't too happy when I realized this, and even less happy when Pol Pot turned on a large electric cattle prod, shoved it up my rectum, and left it there. This provided all kinds of interesting sensations on my body, and the smell of fecal matter and my bowels mixing in a pungent, burning aroma was sickening to say the least. Satan laughed, and suddenly I was in another world. He was standing over my grandmother's grave, which was floating in the ether like an island in a sea of nothingness. No sooner was he standing over her grave than he was digging through the dirt, throwing huge chunks of decayed grass and mud into the air. Then I heard scratching upon wood, as his claws tore through the casket. What happened next was disturbing. He picked up her body, now a skeleton, and threw it into the air. He then spit out a ball of blazing hellfire, which enveloped her and melted her bones. Her spirit rose from this mess, and it's light was extinguished by Satan's dark powers. Suddenly I was sucked back to Earth in a blazing whirlwind of fire and ice, light and dark, and I promptly landed back in the ambulance.
Hitler bowed down, Pol Pot bowed down. In the distance, others bowed down. I saw Nero, Vlad Tepes Dracula, Elisabeth Bathory, Charles Manson, and that guy from Jonestown. Satan was no longer visible to me, but I could feel his presence within myself. I laughed.
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