Disch
03-27-2002, 04:46 AM
Warning warning: /wwwthreads/images/icons/tongue.gif
This is kind of a mini-life story rant/gripe/whatever.
very long
probably not that interesting.
I wasn't going to post here for the following reasons:
1) I actually try to kind of stay away from this forum... it's kind of a downer. I only browse like 1 out of every 15 or so threads in here.
2) I've tried to keep my internet 'life' and my real life seperate as much as possible.
3) Posting something like this will probably change a lot of people's opinions about me... this doesn't really concern me that much... but still.
4) As you've probably already noticed... this thread is pretty long =P. I didn't really want to put a big fat thread here that a lot of you won't want to read (I never have had the patience for exceedingly long threads)
but I'm posting because I really need to get some stuff off my chest. I am NOT asking for anybody's sympathy. I really don't want you guys to think that. This is stuff I need people to hear, but I couldn't say to anyone I know (IRL).
Anyway, where to start. I've always hated school with a passion. I had decent grades through grade school... then maybe a B average in middle school... C average my freshman year... barly passing my Sophomore year... and straight F's my Junior year. I just stopped caring.
Even after that, everyone around me is convinced that I'm a genious. They say I'm one of those "too smart for school" types. I think it's bullshit. I know algebra... I knew algrebra at an early age... I understand math so I learn it quickly. For some reason that gives people the impression that I'm intelligent. I never read... my vocabulary sucks... my memory is bad... I have horrible reading/verbal comprehension... and my attention span is incredibly short. Somehow I don't buy the notion that I'm a genious.
Anyway, instead of dropping out of school... I "tested" out. Which basically means the same thing except I had to take a test made for morons and I got a "diploma equivilent"... which I've already lost... maybe I threw it out... I dunno. Then I get a job at Best Buy. Not so bad at first. A lot of annoying customers, but the work is easy... the people are cool... it's not so bad.
After 7 months... it's fucking hell. I hate customers... my bosses bitch at me, we're understaffed, they schedule me closing one night (until 11:00), and opening the next day (at 6:00)... over and over. When I do have a day off, they call me in. Then they start scheduling me for overnighters. What the fuck is that. I quit.
Get a job at a state-wide restaurant chain as a busser. Better pay, better hours, better work, better people, customers aren't bitchy... it's much better. I actually kind of like it.
4 months later.. I hate it. It gets to the point where seeing a customer walk in the door makes me sick... because it means more work for me to do... but I endure it. It's still 1000x better than Best Buy.
So anyway, my sister is going to college. She hated school too... but she grew up and now she loves it. She's taking Algebra and Geometry... stuff I know... so she asks me for help.. I help her. No sweat. Later she goes on a cruise or something with her fiencee (sp?), I'm happy for her. But she wants me to sit in on her classes and take notes for her while she's gone. I say "no", but my Dad (who's sour that I left school and really wants me to go back... because of course... I'm a genious) in a way forces me to accept... or at least gives me a bunch of shit about why I should. So whatever.
Time comes to go to the class. I get there.. go in the classroom.. get in front of a desk... and freeze in my tracks. My stomach feels like it's gonna cave in. I turn around... walk out the door and head home. Until that day I completely forgot how much I hated school.
My sis gets pissed... tells my dad... I don't know what my dad's reaction was... he didn't say a thing to me. All I know is he's making me see a shrink. Now this isn't the first time they've talked about this. When I was tanking my grades in HS, I guess they got a little concerned that something was up... but they never did anything about it. Anyway, this time it really happened.
Seeing a shrink is like hell for me (what a suprise).. an hour and a half of questions that I don't know the answer to, head games, and constantly being stared at.
One day, (like the 5th or so visit), she brings a test that I have to take... like a school test... you know, fill in true or false with a No.2 pencil. 700 some questions. I answer them truthfully.. no big deal. It's better than your average session.
Results come back... it shows that I
- was telling the truth (I guess it asked multiple similar questions to see if your answers were consistent)
- suffer from severe social anxiety
- am deeply depressed
- am midly schizophrenic
My shrink is convinced that this is totally accurate... and she gives examples from previous sessions to further confirm the results. And since there was nothing really traumatic about my childhood (there really wasn't), she thinks it's a natural chemical imbalance in my brain. The only way out is medication.
Fuck... my whole life I've avoided drugs. I don't even take aspirin. Now I'm gonna have to fucking pop a happy pill every morning. Appointment gets scheduled to see another Psychiatrist (my shrink is a Psychologist) so he can prescribe something. I go mid April.
Since then (this was maybe a month ago.. but I really don't know... I have no concept of time)... I can say for sure that I've gotten a lot MORE depressed. And a lot MORE social anxiety. It's weird... it's like everything just dulls out. Foods lost it's taste... things I once loved are now really boring... I can't fucking sleep... and I can't fucking get up in the morning.
A few nights the past couple of weeks I've actually had to cry myself to sleep. Fucking 19 year old crying in bed.
It's just getting worse and worse. I had the day off today.... stayed inside all day. What did I do? Fucking sat in my room... Ate 4 slices of pizza. Tried to go outside... didn't want to. Turned on the TV, but it was boring. Flipped on some VG's.. got bored out of my mind. Tried doing a bit of programming... writer's block. Tried listening to music... just gave me a headache (even soothing music).
Now I look at myself. It's 8:45... I have to work a double shift tomorrow (work is getting harder and harder to go to).. I've spent the last hour or so typing this. I don't want to stay up because there's nothing to do. I don't want to sleep because the sooner I sleep.. the sooner I work.
So yeah... that's pretty much the story. If you managed to read the whole thing (something tells me ZeldaDD read it /wwwthreads/images/icons/tongue.gif) I'm impressed.
Now I'm gonna quick click "Continue" before I chicken out
<P ID="signature"><font size=1><center>[b]This is the stairway to heaven...
you know that don't you?</P>
This is kind of a mini-life story rant/gripe/whatever.
very long
probably not that interesting.
I wasn't going to post here for the following reasons:
1) I actually try to kind of stay away from this forum... it's kind of a downer. I only browse like 1 out of every 15 or so threads in here.
2) I've tried to keep my internet 'life' and my real life seperate as much as possible.
3) Posting something like this will probably change a lot of people's opinions about me... this doesn't really concern me that much... but still.
4) As you've probably already noticed... this thread is pretty long =P. I didn't really want to put a big fat thread here that a lot of you won't want to read (I never have had the patience for exceedingly long threads)
but I'm posting because I really need to get some stuff off my chest. I am NOT asking for anybody's sympathy. I really don't want you guys to think that. This is stuff I need people to hear, but I couldn't say to anyone I know (IRL).
Anyway, where to start. I've always hated school with a passion. I had decent grades through grade school... then maybe a B average in middle school... C average my freshman year... barly passing my Sophomore year... and straight F's my Junior year. I just stopped caring.
Even after that, everyone around me is convinced that I'm a genious. They say I'm one of those "too smart for school" types. I think it's bullshit. I know algebra... I knew algrebra at an early age... I understand math so I learn it quickly. For some reason that gives people the impression that I'm intelligent. I never read... my vocabulary sucks... my memory is bad... I have horrible reading/verbal comprehension... and my attention span is incredibly short. Somehow I don't buy the notion that I'm a genious.
Anyway, instead of dropping out of school... I "tested" out. Which basically means the same thing except I had to take a test made for morons and I got a "diploma equivilent"... which I've already lost... maybe I threw it out... I dunno. Then I get a job at Best Buy. Not so bad at first. A lot of annoying customers, but the work is easy... the people are cool... it's not so bad.
After 7 months... it's fucking hell. I hate customers... my bosses bitch at me, we're understaffed, they schedule me closing one night (until 11:00), and opening the next day (at 6:00)... over and over. When I do have a day off, they call me in. Then they start scheduling me for overnighters. What the fuck is that. I quit.
Get a job at a state-wide restaurant chain as a busser. Better pay, better hours, better work, better people, customers aren't bitchy... it's much better. I actually kind of like it.
4 months later.. I hate it. It gets to the point where seeing a customer walk in the door makes me sick... because it means more work for me to do... but I endure it. It's still 1000x better than Best Buy.
So anyway, my sister is going to college. She hated school too... but she grew up and now she loves it. She's taking Algebra and Geometry... stuff I know... so she asks me for help.. I help her. No sweat. Later she goes on a cruise or something with her fiencee (sp?), I'm happy for her. But she wants me to sit in on her classes and take notes for her while she's gone. I say "no", but my Dad (who's sour that I left school and really wants me to go back... because of course... I'm a genious) in a way forces me to accept... or at least gives me a bunch of shit about why I should. So whatever.
Time comes to go to the class. I get there.. go in the classroom.. get in front of a desk... and freeze in my tracks. My stomach feels like it's gonna cave in. I turn around... walk out the door and head home. Until that day I completely forgot how much I hated school.
My sis gets pissed... tells my dad... I don't know what my dad's reaction was... he didn't say a thing to me. All I know is he's making me see a shrink. Now this isn't the first time they've talked about this. When I was tanking my grades in HS, I guess they got a little concerned that something was up... but they never did anything about it. Anyway, this time it really happened.
Seeing a shrink is like hell for me (what a suprise).. an hour and a half of questions that I don't know the answer to, head games, and constantly being stared at.
One day, (like the 5th or so visit), she brings a test that I have to take... like a school test... you know, fill in true or false with a No.2 pencil. 700 some questions. I answer them truthfully.. no big deal. It's better than your average session.
Results come back... it shows that I
- was telling the truth (I guess it asked multiple similar questions to see if your answers were consistent)
- suffer from severe social anxiety
- am deeply depressed
- am midly schizophrenic
My shrink is convinced that this is totally accurate... and she gives examples from previous sessions to further confirm the results. And since there was nothing really traumatic about my childhood (there really wasn't), she thinks it's a natural chemical imbalance in my brain. The only way out is medication.
Fuck... my whole life I've avoided drugs. I don't even take aspirin. Now I'm gonna have to fucking pop a happy pill every morning. Appointment gets scheduled to see another Psychiatrist (my shrink is a Psychologist) so he can prescribe something. I go mid April.
Since then (this was maybe a month ago.. but I really don't know... I have no concept of time)... I can say for sure that I've gotten a lot MORE depressed. And a lot MORE social anxiety. It's weird... it's like everything just dulls out. Foods lost it's taste... things I once loved are now really boring... I can't fucking sleep... and I can't fucking get up in the morning.
A few nights the past couple of weeks I've actually had to cry myself to sleep. Fucking 19 year old crying in bed.
It's just getting worse and worse. I had the day off today.... stayed inside all day. What did I do? Fucking sat in my room... Ate 4 slices of pizza. Tried to go outside... didn't want to. Turned on the TV, but it was boring. Flipped on some VG's.. got bored out of my mind. Tried doing a bit of programming... writer's block. Tried listening to music... just gave me a headache (even soothing music).
Now I look at myself. It's 8:45... I have to work a double shift tomorrow (work is getting harder and harder to go to).. I've spent the last hour or so typing this. I don't want to stay up because there's nothing to do. I don't want to sleep because the sooner I sleep.. the sooner I work.
So yeah... that's pretty much the story. If you managed to read the whole thing (something tells me ZeldaDD read it /wwwthreads/images/icons/tongue.gif) I'm impressed.
Now I'm gonna quick click "Continue" before I chicken out
<P ID="signature"><font size=1><center>[b]This is the stairway to heaven...
you know that don't you?</P>