Bad Night

[Dark Macc]

There *is* language in this. I appologise to all of those who have already read this on my Xanga, but I kinda want to get it out in a few places just because I relax a little when I know other people may have had the same experiences I have.

I didn't think it was too much to ask for a little attention, but I guess it's wrong. I did the right thing and I ended up hurting myself, but I didn't say anything about how it hurt me because I wanted her to be happy - that's my goal in life. I'm already so fucked up as it is, I still feel hurt so often, but I never bother saying anything because it's not fair to her if I do. So instead, I just lock myself in my room and turn off the lights, staring at the wall crying, because honestly no one gives a damn anymore. I had big plans for tonight, and now they are all ruined. I should have seen this comming. There's always something.

I've been so stressed. We got into a big fight the other night because I'm turning into the asshole I used to be, and I hate it. At least I feel pain this time, that was something I had blocked myself off from back then - pain, agony. I never cried. This time I feel myself slipping away and there's no one there to grab me...so I'm falling again. Fucking tears.

I hate finals week. It puts more stress on me than any other time of the year. It hurts me more and more everyday. Dad's gonna be angry because I only pulled a C- in math and I think a D+ in English, even though I do my work every day and I participate. I constantly try harder and harder and I get fucked over in the end.

I realize I'm not perfect. I take a lot and I don't give back a lot. But what no one seems to understand is I take a lot of people's sufferings, and let them feel better. Someone is hurting and I talk to them, and then they feel better...but it's like I take their suffering and I carry it then. It weighs on me...on my mind and on my body. I don't get any credit for taking all the fucking shit that I take, instead I get hassled for not giving back enough. This isn't really pointed at anyone in general, nor is it pointed at the argument that we had the other night, it's just a fact. There's pain inside I can't understand.

I sound like one of those crybaby teenagers, but I'm not trying to. I've grown up a lot faster than most people I know, but it's not fair that I had to. It's what wears on me as well. I just feel like nobody could understand - and it's constantly killing me. The problems I face daily, they're what are killing me over and over, wearing me down. I haven't cried to sleep as often recently, I've been trying to keep myself positive, but it's failing on days like today. Those days where I can't stop crying no matter how hard I want to.

I said it a few posts back. It's when you wake up and realize you're alone - that's when it hurts the most. When you wake up and realize there's nobody there, no one is going to comfort you, no one is going to hug you and tell you it's okay - that's when I feel the pain deep down. It's not that I don't have that special person, it's that she's so far away, when I wake up at 5 am and I'm in tears because there's nobody here to tell me it'll all be okay, that's when it weighs on me.

Don't get me wrong, I love her with all I can give, and I'm going to make this work. I have to. It's my goal in life - keeping her smiling and making this work. I may be the only one that sees it, but it's there, out in the open. Five or six more months and I can move, that's all I need to wait...then I wont have to wake up alone. I'll at least be close enough where if I wake up at 5 am I'll see her a few hours later, and actually in person, not online. There's a big difference between a cyber hug and a real hug.

Yes, I have issues. But before anyone jumps on her case, this isn't her fault, so I don't want anyone jumping the gun and going after her. It's my fault, mine for being so weak and not being able to support myself. I should know better, I should be able to take care of myself. I guess that's the one thing I need to teach myself, is to rely less on others and more on myself.

At least I've stopped crying. I feel a little better now. Not really

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[Dark Macc]

Thanks Azrael, that really made me feel better. I think we should start our own band of brothers and go kick the asses off all those who cause pain. Flash would join <img src=smilies/biggthumpup.gif>

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[icenine0]

From your post, it looks like you've been thinking a lot about things, like, too much about things.

Words are powerful symbols of emotion and, with ones like those churning in your head for hours, no wonder you feel awful.

Take a moment to feel the keyboard beneath your fingers,

the texture of the desk,

listen to your breathing and the whirr of your computer fan.

Focus.

Don't think of any words. Lingual subprocessor shutdown.

That's reality and that's really all there is. Take comfort in it.



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[Dark Macc]

> That's reality and that's really all there is. Take comfort
> in it.

Thanks IceNine0, that helps. I'm really stressed as of recently, I'm at that turning point in my life, and tonight really sucked. I guess the only good thing to come from it was that I got my splash page done for my webpage. But yes, I should probably take the time to relax and reenter reality.

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[shawn]

> I realize I'm not perfect. I take a lot and I don't give
back a lot. But what no one seems to understand is I take a
> lot of people's sufferings, and let them feel better. Someone is hurting and I talk to them, and then they feel
better...but it's like I take their suffering and I carry it
> then. It weighs on me...on my mind and on my body.

OK this is quite common and I used to do it, it's refered commonly as empathy, you need to realize that this is not your problem so don't try to make it yours, you do this to yourself thinking you have to and you don't, you have to be like a doctor or a psychologist when dealing with peoples problems, lets use visualization for this explanation, imagine their problem is a glowing ball of light, now what you are doing now is like taking that ball and absorbing it into yourself *metaphorically*, now a doctor on the other hand tries to be detached somewhat so they can use good judgement and see the problem without strong feelings and stress clouding the issue and making them feel bad also in the process, to again metaforically you must instead take the problem and hold it in your hand and look at it and always know that it isn't your problem that way you can solve it easily without stress and the problem just goes away with everyone better, and remember, unlike physical matter a problem can disappear without a trace so there is no need for you to take stress from them, just give advise and maybe a helping hand.

Dark Macc remember that crying is good, it's how we release tension/stress otherwise we get sick, I feel much better after a good cry, and instead of sitting in a dark room and dwelling and feeling guilt do some physical activity like a walk, lift weights, use a punching bag *non human is preferable*, or anything that gets your blood pumping faster because it will help release endorphans in your brain which relieve stress, they're also called pleasure hormones by some people, you will feel better than sitting in a room, I know I've sat in the dark way to many times and finally realized that I was just hurting myself and that was all, so if you need to cry because it's sometimes the best thing to do, I hope you feel better soon. <img src=smilies/magbiggrin.gif>

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[shawn]

> Definitely some sound advice Shawn, many people in this
> world would do well to take a note of it.

Thank you. <img src=smilies/magbiggrin.gif>

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[Kijutsu]

> At least I've stopped crying. I feel a little better now.
> Not really

OMFG. I shall beat you now. You have like.. 100 million ways of contacting me if you need to talk dude. Call me, IM me, or something. Let me know that you need to rant and I'll listen dude. Hope you feel better soon.


<img src=smilies/2gunsfiring_v1.gif> the shit you have to put up with

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[Dark Macc]

> OMFG. I shall beat you now. You have like.. 100 million
> ways of contacting me if you need to talk dude. Call me, IM
> me, or something. Let me know that you need to rant and
> I'll listen dude. Hope you feel better soon.

Yeah, and you were like, idle for two hours by the time this happened. I figured you were asleep and I didn't want to bother you <img src=smilies/freak3.gif>

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[Dark Macc]

> I hope you feel better soon.

Thanks man, it means a lot to me. I need to relieve some of this stress, but I can't get laid to do it <img src=smilies/crying.gif>

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[Kijutsu]

> Yeah, and you were like, idle for two hours by the time this
> happened. I figured you were asleep and I didn't want to
> bother you

I was up playing FF VIII. If I don't have an away message up, I'm usually awake. It never hurts to check.


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