MooglyGuy
12-23-2004, 07:31 AM
In local news for 12/22/04:
I discovered today that the amount of pleasure that Christmas shopping gives me is somewhere between having my eyes gouged out with a rusty shiv and having the sockets violated by a burly, unwashed jailbird named "Bubba" or having my nuts repeatedly skewered with wooden kebab sticks and then flayed with rock salt. Still, all three of those potential options rank far below the top of my list, which would be "Listening to Gilbert Gottfried perform standup on how annoying he is," which is like looking into a hall of mirrors because you've got this annoying guy doing standup on how annoying his standup is, only a hall of mirrors doesn't make you want to gouge your eardrums out with the nearest sharpened implement.
Seriously, though, Christmas shopping at Best Buy is like being in your own personal Lord of the Flies movie. You've got these people setting up their own little camps in the aisles made out of shopping carts and old shipping boxes, eating off each others' legs for food to survive long enough to make the next shipment, stabbing other potential customers with sharpened shards of CD-Rs when they get too close. Sometimes they'll venture out into the untamed wilderness of the "check-out aisle candy rack", dragging back carcasses of display racks, and then savagely tearing into the bags of sweets with dulled teeth. From time to time one of these savage beasts of a consumer will attack a George Foreman's Lean Mean Grilling Machine and drag it out of the store as a successful kill in an attempt to subdue the female of the pack, but ultimately the flashing lights and loud noises of the security system drive them back to the relative safety of their camp.
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I discovered today that the amount of pleasure that Christmas shopping gives me is somewhere between having my eyes gouged out with a rusty shiv and having the sockets violated by a burly, unwashed jailbird named "Bubba" or having my nuts repeatedly skewered with wooden kebab sticks and then flayed with rock salt. Still, all three of those potential options rank far below the top of my list, which would be "Listening to Gilbert Gottfried perform standup on how annoying he is," which is like looking into a hall of mirrors because you've got this annoying guy doing standup on how annoying his standup is, only a hall of mirrors doesn't make you want to gouge your eardrums out with the nearest sharpened implement.
Seriously, though, Christmas shopping at Best Buy is like being in your own personal Lord of the Flies movie. You've got these people setting up their own little camps in the aisles made out of shopping carts and old shipping boxes, eating off each others' legs for food to survive long enough to make the next shipment, stabbing other potential customers with sharpened shards of CD-Rs when they get too close. Sometimes they'll venture out into the untamed wilderness of the "check-out aisle candy rack", dragging back carcasses of display racks, and then savagely tearing into the bags of sweets with dulled teeth. From time to time one of these savage beasts of a consumer will attack a George Foreman's Lean Mean Grilling Machine and drag it out of the store as a successful kill in an attempt to subdue the female of the pack, but ultimately the flashing lights and loud noises of the security system drive them back to the relative safety of their camp.
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