trouble in paradise

[Lobster Cowboy]

odd evening...

tonight my lady and i decided we were boyfriend and girlfriend, which was sorta scary, sorta cool...

however, the joy was short lived.

we were at a friend's house, and some guy had some weed. she decided to go take a hit, which very much bothered me. i am QUITE anti-drug, so i felt like i got kicked in the stomach. parts of me are like "why does she need this shit? it's so fucking stupid". while other parts of me say "if i think it's okay that she drinks, it's hypocritical for me to be against a small hit."

but...

i don't know...she's not a heavy user, doing it very rarely these days (when she was younger, she did a helluva lot more). but i feel weird...and i can't figure out why. maybe it's because i thought she had gone totally straight after some wild living, and this kinda shatters that perception. why do people feel the need to take drugs? it's so weird...i support legaliziation, but i don't support usage. well, at least usage by people i care about.

it's not like i'm even mad at her...i'm mad at the fucking drug. i just hate it, perhaps irrationally so, but i really do. i don't like what it does to people, and i don't like the culture behind it. i don't like when people waste their life with it. i don't like when people think they need it to have fun. i just hate it.

bah...i don't think i'm going to break up with her because of it, but i'm still weirded out. perhaps i'll see this more in perspective after a good night's sleep

god, this relationship is feeling more and more like the one from chasing amy...

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[Dark Macc]

So grow a pair and tell her you don't like the fact she does weed. Tell her why. I mean, if you're not open in your relationship, it wont go anywhere. So just tell her.

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[SpaceTiger]

> So grow a pair and tell her you don't like the fact she does
> weed.

And if she responds well to that, then take up religion, because she's gotta be a gift from heaven.

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[Kuikorosu]

> we were at a friend's house, and some guy had some weed.
> she decided to go take a hit, which very much bothered me.

<font size=+5>RUN</font>

You run your ass off. NOW.

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[icenine0]

BA-DUM-CHHH!

Seriously, though, I agree with Mr. Tiger.

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[fairykiller]

> RUN
> You run your ass off. NOW.

Oh come on. I think he said it was one hit and she doesn't usually do it. Giving her ultimatums and forcing your dislike of weed on her is totally appropriate if she's doing it in any significant amount or even recreationally, but it's only going to push her away and upset her if she isn't. Talking to her about it on the other hand is a good idea IMO, as long as it's not an immediate ultimatum. She needs to know that you see no need to drop someone you like because she decides to take a hit on an off chance, but you would prefer not to be with someone who usually smokes at a party. Stress that you really do like her and that you're talking about your own lifestyle choices and not about why she sucks. She should understand.

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[Lobster Cowboy]

thank you...i think i'll follow your advice.

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[fairykiller]

> thank you...i think i'll follow your advice.

Good luck <img src=smilies/thumb.gif>

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[Kuikorosu]

> Oh come on. I think he said it was one hit and she doesn't
> usually do it.

So she says.

> Giving her ultimatums and forcing your
> dislike of weed on her is totally appropriate if she's doing
> it in any significant amount or even recreationally, but
> it's only going to push her away and upset her if she isn't.

Normal people do not smoke weed, and if she smokes weed, who the fuck else knows what she does? It's not worth it.

> Talking to her about it on the other hand is a good idea
> IMO, as long as it's not an immediate ultimatum.

I wouldn't trust a single word from someone who uses drugs, let alone get into an intimate relationship with them. If I had a girl that I was going out with say "yeah, I smoke some weed off and on" I'd drop her like a fucking rock. It's illegal, and the culture that revolves around weed / drugs is total shit.

People who smoke weed / do drugs are worthless and not worth your time, LC. Do yourself a favor, find yourself a decent clean girl who doesn't run up to take a hit off of someone's joint.

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[fairykiller]

> So she says.

And, um, a relationship is based on trust, especially when there is no cause for mistrust.

> Normal people do not smoke weed, and if she smokes weed, who
> the fuck else knows what she does?

Her boyfriend. The concept of secretive pseudo-romantic escapades of evil covert weed smokers pales into the realm of non-existence when compared to a practical relationship based on respect and trust. If he is in one, I'm sure LC knows his girlfriend better than you do. Random unsupported aspersions on her character are unnecessary.

> I wouldn't trust a single word from someone who uses drugs,
> let alone get into an intimate relationship with them.

That's your call.

> If I
> had a girl that I was going out with say "yeah, I smoke some
> weed off and on" I'd drop her like a fucking rock.

Again, your call what you do with yourself. I personally think it would be silly to pass up the opportunity for a good relationship because the girl smokes very rarely. Especially considering that most young people who smoke only weed on rare occasions, usually stop even that after college or with time.

> Do yourself a favor, find yourself a decent
> clean girl who doesn't run up to take a hit off of someone's
> joint.

Dude, wtf? What exactly is your definition of indecent? You don't even know this girl.

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[Kuikorosu]

> If he is in one, I'm sure LC
> knows his girlfriend better than you do. Random unsupported
> aspersions on her character are unnecessary.

Obviously he doesn't know her well enough if he find out these surprising revelations. What next? "then she admitted to this...and this...and that..." It just seems like way too big of a risk to take.

From LC's original post:

" i don't know...she's not a heavy user, doing it very rarely these days (when she was younger, she did a helluva lot more). but i feel weird...and i can't figure out why. maybe it's because i thought she had gone totally straight after some wild living "

And now she's taking hits of weed, despite "doing it very rarely" and drinks. I think I can glean quite a bit off of this. Does this sound like a worthwhile person to you? Drugs are drugs. If she did it even though she wasn't into it, and she only did it because someone else had it, then she's succumbing to peer pressure, and that says bad things about her character.

This isn't going to be an isolated event either. Basic psychology states that people don't do things just once.

People that do drugs / smoke pot aren't worth anything. LC has an anti-drug stance for a good reason, as most normal people do. It's just not worth the gamble.

> Dude, wtf? What exactly is your definition of indecent? You don't even > know this girl.

Indecent = doing drugs. It's too simple. Should it be more muddy than this? "It's okay if she does drugs once in a while, she's still fine." Yeah, sure.

You try to downplay smoking weed as though it's just "one of those things". I've had so many friends turn to shit / deadheads because of weed.

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[Maxwell Murder]

Won't you pack your bags, we'll leave tonight

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[fairykiller]

>I've had so many friends turn to shit /
> deadheads because of weed.

And I've had plenty of friends who smoke occasionally and are doing great. You don't turn into a deadhead from rare bouts of taking one hit. This isn't even about smoking in general, I respect his (and your) anti-drug stance. It's about whether his girlfriend is worth it. If she smokes very rarely and he really likes her, it's a small forgivable vice in my book. Totally a different ball game if she starts smoking regularly.

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[SpaceTiger]

> If she did it even though she wasn't into
> it, and she only did it because someone else had it, then
> she's succumbing to peer pressure, and that says bad things
> about her character.

Yeah, that's what I hate about "social" drug use. Either you do it or you don't. If it's your thing, fine, but if you're doing it because other people are, that's just being weak. Stand up for what you believe in, dammit.

This is not directed at LC's girlfriend, just a general rant.

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[Lillymon]

> Normal people do not smoke weed.

My parents both smoke weed and you would not know it if you saw them, talked to them or did anything else with them. Hell, even I didn't know for well over 17 years. I figured it was their business and they were still being good parents to me and good people to everyone else.

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[shawn]

Chill out dude it's just weed. It does lead to heroin and satanism like the government and every school would like you to believe and it IS less harmful than alcohol. So if you like her don't try to make her into something she isn't and either leave her or accept the fact that MOST people in this country have used it a few times at least and your girlfriend is in the majority. It's not a big deal like if she started binge drinking or smoking cigarettes. <img src=smilies/magbiggrin.gif>

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[SwampGas]

Why didn't you have the "drug" discussion before becoming official?

The reason why we have heartache and trouble is because we don't do the proper research before we commit. Unless she was specifically trying to hide it, one would assume you would have discussed whether you're both potheads or not.

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[puduhead]

> god, this relationship is feeling more and more like the one
> from chasing amy...

I deal with this issue myself right now... only my chick does it a lot. I don't like it for a couple reasons:

1) she's not the smartest person as it is and it's really not helping her intellect and ability to have good conversation.

2) she's gotten in trouble with the law for possession twice now. lame shit, which is why even though I have occasionally used weed at a party, I'm never in possesion and never buy it -- legal is better so beer's my drug of choice.

3) a lot of her pot-head friends are these stupid-ass thug types. I don't think that stereotype holds up in most places of this country, but here in utah, people do drugs to be different and "rebel" from the predominant religious people. and well, rebellion got old in like the 50's or something. so yeah... her drug friends are lame.

here's how I have dealt with the situation:

i haven't broke up with her but it's like our relationship is on permanent probation with no possibility of getting off until she gets off the perma-weed. this means I hang out with her less, care less about the things she says -- since she's stoned some of the time anyway, and just generally don't enjoy a very deep relationship with her.

eventually if she never drops the habit, I'll get tired of her and move on. but in the meantime, this is how I'm dealing with it because at this moment in my life, I don't really give too much of a shit about having a girlfriend either way so it's not like being with her is "preventing" me from getting with someone I could have a better relationship with... because I probably wouldn't even try or go out of my way to hook up with any chicks right now anyway. in fact, this one was totally random, so...

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[CEpeep]

> trouble in paradise

Like Gilligan's Island!


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[shawn]

I know beer is legal and all but I really really hate hanging around with drunks much more that smokers since drunks tend to fly off the handle for stupid shit where a stoney might end up falling asleep or cleaning out the fridge. BTW how can you say her intellect and ability to have a good conversation, sure drinkers are talkative but unless your drunk to most conversations suck in bars, I know because when my friends drink I just leave since it's either going to get rowdy or just stupid very soon.
The reason I say this is you are known to drink a lot from your posts here and I'm wondering would you quit drinking if she quit smoking??? If not then there's no reason for you to ask her to quit. <img src=smilies/magbiggrin.gif>

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[puduhead]

> The reason I say this is you are known to drink a lot from
> your posts here and I'm wondering would you quit drinking if
> she quit smoking??? If not then there's no reason for you
> to ask her to quit.


First off, I don't drink beer at bars and use it as a means of meeting people.

Second, I do drink a lot -- beer. I'm a lush but not a drunk. Most of the time I drink to relax, not to get wasted.

Third: right or wrong - pot is illegal. Now I can't get on a moral high horse about this because I have smoked pot my fair share for occasional party use situations. But my chick smokes it sometimes as much as twice a day, regardless of what she has to do that day like work or go out with me, etc... and she's gotten in legal shit because of this.

I just spent 4 hours in court with her this morning (my third time going to court with her for moral support) in Salt Lake City at her pre-trial hearing for her second possession ticket. You don't see me going to court for possession of beer. <img src=smilies/magbiggrin.gif>

As for her intellect -- yes, unfortunately it makes a big difference with her because she's perma-stoned, which isn't the best position to be in when you aren't dealing with a lot upstairs to begin with. Sad but true. As for me, I'm a fairly intelligent guy and my beer drinking doesn't usually interfere with my ability to respond to people in a non-retarded manner.

And my chick's still living the life of a kid with this pot shit. Living at her parents home, hiding the fact that she's got all this legal trouble cuz of her possession tickets, etc... she's playing a childish game with her life regarding pot.

I think it's different when an adult, living under their own roof, or some fascimile thereof, enjoys a substance like pot. A friend of mine enjoys it often, but in her case, she's a lot more responsible about it and doesn't live with her parents and have to hide shit from them.

One last point -- I kind of have an issue with younger, less-mature people, getting into substances whether it's alcohol or pot or whatever. My bias on this matter is obvious -- I never did a substance until I was 25. While my reasons for holding off were different from why I suggest young people wait until they are older, the fact remains that it was a great experience for me to grow into adulthood before getting too caught up in drugs and shit. and my chick's only 19 so she's got lots to learn. It's not about being cool. it's about being a responsible adult and enjoying life.

So my reasons are based on a very specific situation. and ultimately, regarding dating someone, we all have a choice to be with someone that shares our viewpoints on stuff that's important to us -- and for me, one of those is having a girlfriend that isn't stoned all the time.

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[shawn]

> But my
> chick smokes it sometimes as much as twice a day

I'm picking up an 1/8th for the first time in about 3 months this weekend and I plan on smoking a bowl every 2hrs for the entire day if everything works out and when I first started posting here I would go to work stoned, smoke at work, and get high constantly on my days off. I bet I smoked 12 bowls a day for my 3 days off back then at least and I was learning computers then so I guess it didn't mess me up to much since I know more than most people in my area by far. <img src=smilies/magbiggrin.gif>
I used to drink to but that just made me puke, get into fights, bad arguments, spend all my money without realizing it, and get liver disease by age 26.
I'll stick with the weed. <img src=smilies/magbiggrin.gif>

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[Lobster Cowboy]

it still bothered me, but we seemed to work it out. well, we just ended up having sex instead of really talking, but that's working it out in my book.

i got some good advice from a friend of mine during the day, and she said that it doesn't matter if what we're doing is right or wrong, it's how our lifestyles mesh. if how we live fits well together, and we can be outselves, things will work out. if not, well, there are other fish in the sea.

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