I'm sure either tonight before I go to sleep or sometime tomorrow, it will hit me like a ton of bricks, but I'm composed for now. He's really....really skinny. There's something about seeing the face of someone who's almost always been somewhat big reduced to a pretty skinny face. It's like since I last saw him, he aged 15 years. Still the same ol' dad, very funny, talkative, always tells stories we've never heard before and just all around a great guy.
First off, I have to get off my chest this one really quick thing. I fucking hate my mother so much. She was asking about the visit to my aunt's house (she didn't go, which is a good thing for reasons I'm not about to go into) and asking whether it was happy or sad most of the time, and I told her it was mostly just conversating about stuff and laughing around and whatever, and told her that even still, sometimes when dad would go outside to smoke and me, my bro and sis would go out there to talk with him, he'd get emotional, noticeably almost getting tears when I said it. What does my mom say in response to that? "I can't believe he still smokes." And she's wondering why I'm praying to god I get that programming job at Rockstar, or any other full-time job for that matter. I swear to god, I can't get out of this fucking house fast enough. She treats me with the same coldness that she talks about him with too. I'm going to be incredibly torn into pieces when my dad eventually passes...I think my response to my mom passing would be little more than "oh". I almost guarantee that once I move out of this house, I will almost never see her again, and I bet she'll be surprised and wonder why...she's clueless as to how cruel she really is. I don't even care if I have to put my degree on hold...the minute I get out of here, I will be 100 times the person I am now...because of her, I feel subhuman and hate myself.
So the visit was ok. My dad wasn't really sickly looking. I used to imagine him looking like some kind of homeless bum, but he just looks much older than he used to be. FYI, he has Crohn's disease, which is a pretty fucked up disease that causes all sorts of shit, but mainly the hardening of intestines. The operation he's having will be taking out some of his intestines. But of course, the main problem with this is that he's incredibly skinny, and we don't even know if a doctor would willingly perform such an operation, knowing that during recovery, he could only lose more weight. Not only that, but there's the whole money issue we have to worry about. It's just not looking good by any measure. And he can still find a way to live with it all. He has been through so much shit in his life, of which a biographical book on him wouldn't even scratch the surface, that it's not only amazing that he's still alive, but that he's "living"...that he's still the same person he's always been. I could go on but I'm starting to get emotional, and I want to wait til I'm in bed before I let it out...I wouldn't dignify my bitch mom with letting it out in front of her...she doesn't deserve it.
So yea...I'll be visiting him tomorrow and every day after for at least the next few weeks, including of course Monday, when he may or may not have the surgery depending on whether he can get some form of medicare to cover costs or whatever...chances are that amongst the family members that are willing to help him out (I can't stanfd having to add that), we'll have enough money to get him the operation. Even I with my meager $3500 of savings/investment...I'll chip off some or all of that for him, even if it means I can't get out of here for another year or two...I would rather endure this hell than have him continue enduring his. I don't THINK it will be necessary, but if it comes to that, it comes to that. I'm prepared for anything at this point. I've had about 2 weeks of serious reflection (triggered by something very unfortunate which I'm too embarassed to go into), most of that time before I knew what was up with dad, and I've come to realize more of who I am, who everyone else is, and what things I should do in my life. For the first time in my life, I'm feeling more independent and able to deal with life. So I guess I'll leave it at that. I need some sleep.
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"End of the World" (http://www.crooky.us/mp3/Crooky)
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