Here is my rewriting of the beginning of the FF6 script...

[bluesunlight432]

I'm asking for instructive criticism to my version of the FF6 script (I retranslated it from the original japanese script...then I rewrote and expanded the text using my own creative elements). I don't want to do a project that I can't contribute to the emulation crowd, so I would like to see how many people like it or not. Your response can be as simple as, "it's good," or "it sucks," or you can objectively criticize the whole thing. Any reponse would be helpful. Does this read like a game you would want to play or not? Thanks.

There was a Great Demon War...Ulitilizing their methods known as "magic," all societies and the world were scorched. With the innumerable casulties, these powers were lost, forgotten, and extinguished.
1000 years passed and the new mankind developed the alternative power of science. Smelting, medicine, steam engines, mechanical weapons, and other technological feats were adopted in the new world.
But now, isolated from these common areas, a select few plot to dominate the world militaristically...by rekindling the ancient magical secrets that left the planet so devastated in the first place.
Are these people about to repeat that same morbid history?

BIGGS: Is that Narshe, the metropolitan market?
WEDGE: Yes. There, the magical beast we're looking for is a product of the Great Demon War. It has allegedly been frozen for 1000 years.
BIGGS: Has it been dormant but living all this time?
WEDGE: The urgent demeanor of our mission-briefers indicates to me that intelligence believes so.
BIGGS: And why does she have to be accompanying us? This magician is quite fearsome...Her military test results state that she incinerated 50 of our Armored Magitek soliders in under 3 minutes!
WEDGE: Don't worry...those results also state that the manipulation device on her head works flawlessly...It dimishes her of will and consciousness. For all I know, she'll follow our orders.
WEDGE: We'll go round and break into Narshe from the east. Move out!

*Arrival at Narshe*
WEDGE: Let's have her go ahead. I don't want us to risk ourselves with the hostilities were about to encounter.
WEDGE: Alright psycho-girl! Forward!

*If you attempt to leave*
WEDGE: We've been traveling here in the freezing cold only to leave without the magicial beast!? I don't think so!

*Various Guard Triggers*
GUARD: Imperial brutes! Do you think your machinery makes you tall and powerful enough to trample about uninvited on independent and civilized settlements!? Not if I have something to say about it!
GUARD: Mobile Imperial Magitek Armor...here in Narshe?! These outreaching domineering tactics are unacceptable! This is gonna stop here and now!
GUARD: You will not take away our unalienable rights to live freely! We're not just fighting for Narshe...in an abstract sense, we're fighting for the independence of everyone in the world!
GUARD: We may have them in a pincer attack, but we must hold our positions. Whatever you do, do not let them get by!!!
GUARD: We have a lengthy and rich ancestry extending back with these mines. We won't have it altered by you!

*Entering Mine*
WEDGE: According to our spy reports, this magicial beast were looking for was found in a new mine shaft. What do you think? The work on this one looks recent...let's search it and maybe we'll get lucky.

*Destroying Gate*
BIGGS: I'll handle this. I can thrust this machine forward pretty well.
Now stand back you two!

*Boss Battle*
GUARD: Scum is what you figuratively are and what you'll literally be once our pet is done with
you. Yumir, look what I've served you for dinner!
BIGGS: Wait! Our briefing mentioned the possibility of an encounter with this whelk!
WEDGE: Yeah, I remember!
BIGGS: It's capable of absorbing electricity from any attack...
WEDGE: Right, and it stores that electricity into its shell!
BIGGS: However we have to destroy this thing, don't hit the shell or there will be trouble!
WEDGE: Alright...attack!

*Approaching frozen beast*
Here it is...the frozen magical beast.
Be careful to follow the procedure explicitly. This creature has a mind of its own and much destructive magic power which could prove very dangerous if it perceives us as hostile.
WEDGE: It's definitely active and knows we're here. It probably doesn't understand our language but it should be receptive to emotion. If the beast reacts to us, we're supposed to try and console it.
WEDGE: "Awwww, what's the matter? Do you wish to reveal your wisdom to us?"

*Girl moves closer to beast*
BIGGS: I don't like this. They're are having a mutual reaction. Maybe the beast is far more intelligent than any of us thought.

"The creature began emitting an eerie light."

BIGGS: What the hell!? It's not taking kindly to us!
WEDGE: That light, it's dissolving my skin like acid! My insides buuurrrn!! ARRRGH! *disappears*
BIGGS: Oh God no! Don't leave me alooone!! I DON'T WANNA DIE!!! *disappears*

*Creature frees girl of Magitek Armor*

*Girl wakes up in home*
GIRL: Who are you? Where am I?
OLD MAN: Wow! I removed the device only minutes ago and you're already asking me appropiate questions regarding your circumstances!
GIRL: My head...it's numb...my thoughts cause me physical pain...
OLD MAN: It's uncomfortable for me to tell you so, but you were a victim of the empire's cruelty. You were enslaved to the evil programming of this...thing. With it equipped, you carried out dirty deeds which, don't get me wrong, I do not believe you were truly responsible for...even if others may.
GIRL: What are you talking about? I can't remember anything! Ow, my head hurts!
OLD MAN: I suppose you've been afflicted with a truama that will need recovery. Your memories should come back in time. For now, try telling me your name...

*Tina*
A rare, natural-born magician who, due to her talents, became an interest and unwitting servant to the empire. Throughout her enslavement, her past became just as mysterious to her as it is to anyone else.

TINA: My name...is Tina.

[Maximum Potion]

Alright, well first of all, I'd like to say that it's a cool idea and that you have clearly done alot of work already.

I can see that the text is alot more complex and can therefore be taken more seriously.

Personally, I love the original translation. If I hadn't played it already though, I may have preferred your version.

I know that her name is Tina, but TERRA is a way cooler name.

I prefer the original translation over a few select lines.
''by rekindling the ancient magical secrets that left the planet so devastated in the first place.'' vs (from memory) ''by reviving the dread destructive force known as ''magic'' ''

Also, I like the term Esper over magical beast.

''Wow! I removed the device only minutes ago and you're already asking me appropiate questions regarding your circumstances!'' is a little over done, like, it doesn't sound natural (I know people in a developing industrial world don't talk in the same manner that say, I would, but still...).

That's all i've got for now.

[The 9th Sage]

Hmm...yeah, I applaud the effort. That was my observation as well though. I'm glad you're trying to expand the text, but some of it ended up sounding a bit wooden. Or at least now how people usually talk.

[bluesunlight432]

''Wow! I removed the device only minutes ago and you're already asking me appropiate questions regarding your circumstances!'' is a little over done, like, it doesn't sound natural (I know people in a developing industrial world don't talk in the same manner that say, I would, but still...).
You are right Max Potion. There is a rule to writing dialogue: "If it sounds written, it is wrong." I'll acknowledge the fact that some of my dialogue is too technically well constructed to come across as geniune. I wrote this with the intention of making it more compelling than the Woosley version, so consequently, I crammed certain sentences with too much detail (and I like detail). This is something I would have to improve as a writer.

I know that her name is Tina, but TERRA is a way cooler name.
I respectfully disagree. I think Tina is a sexier name (and in Japanese, it's meant to be exotic) whereas Terra invokes the image of earth in my mind. But this is just a difference of opinions.

Also, I like the term Esper over magical beast.
I do too. The literal translation of Esper from the Japanese version is "illusionary" or "phantasmic" or "mythical" beast. These beasts are any of these three adjectives to the reader, but not to the people who populate the game world. It doesn't make sense to me having Wedge refer to a beast as "mythical" assuming that it exists to him. This is why I chose the lamer "magical beast." Maybe I should just stick with "Esper."

I prefer the original translation over a few select lines.
''by rekindling the ancient magical secrets that left the planet so devastated in the first place.'' vs (from memory) ''by reviving the dread destructive force known as ''magic''
Woosley did his translation in 30 days. But the intro, being one of the most improtant parts of the script seems that it got more effort than the rest of the writing...and it's hard to top. Plus, I didn't want my version to look anything like his. Both versions foreshadow impending danger. My version was meant to provide more of a sense in "how" magic is being revived. I like ''by rekindling the ancient magical secrets" because it implies that successful experimentation is being done with old locked away taboo methods, whereas the Woosley version is a little less telling. But, you're right, "dread destructive force" is clear, concise, and hard to top. You have a good reason to like it.

Well, I got a reponse and I'm looking for more. Thanks Max Potion!

[The 9th Sage]

But, you're right, "dread destructive force" is clear, concise, and hard to top.

And it's fun to say!

[bluesunlight432]

Here is the first version of one of my problematic sentences:

''Wow! I removed the device only minutes ago and you're already asking me appropiate questions regarding your circumstances!''

It runs on a bit.

Here is the revision:

"Wow! I removed this brain-occupying device from your head only minutes ago, and I thought you would be too mentally anguished to speak intelligibly. But...those are appropriate questions regarding your circumstances!"

I added "train of thought" and "breathing room" to make it sound more natural when spoken. To Max Potion, 9th Sage or anyone else: Is it better than the first? Does it still need work?

Thanks!

[The 9th Sage]

It is better, but I don't think brain-occupying sounds right. If you swapped in the original start of the sentence it would sound a lot better to me though.

I.E to make it something like "Wow! I removed the device only minutes ago, and I thought you would be too mentally anguished to speak intelligibly. But...those are appropriate questions regarding your circumstances!"

I suppose you could always just call it a mind control device or something like that too, if you want to mention the device itself. That's something anyone would get upon reading it almost immediately.

[bluesunlight432]

Thanks 9th Sage. I'll attempt to rewrite the dialogue while speaking the words out loud before writing them down. Also I should try to imagine that I'm each one of these characters. I retranslated the beginning of the game from Japanese, but my mental conception was focused on the restructuring the text (since Japanese is so grammatically different from English) rather than writing the game like an actual script. I'll work, and repost the script later.

ReapermanSucks...
Wow. It's like fan fiction, but even gayer.

Okay. Elaborate?

[The 9th Sage]

but my mental conception was focused on the restructuring the text (since Japanese is so grammatically different from English) rather than writing the game like an actual script. I'll work, and repost the script later.


I kind of thought that was the case. I'm certainly no expert on Japanese, but I know enough to know that a literal translation of Japanese to English isn't often the most readable of things.


ReapermanSucks...
Wow. It's like fan fiction, but even gayer.

Okay. Elaborate?

I would just ignore him. He's becoming our new resident troll.

[Maximum Potion]

It is better, but I don't think brain-occupying sounds right. If you swapped in the original start of the sentence it would sound a lot better to me though.

I.E to make it something like "Wow! I removed the device only minutes ago, and I thought you would be too mentally anguished to speak intelligibly. But...those are appropriate questions regarding your circumstances!"

I suppose you could always just call it a mind control device or something like that too, if you want to mention the device itself. That's something anyone would get upon reading it almost immediately.


I would personally go with something more along the lines of ''I'm impressed... I've only just removed the device and it seems that you are already asking relevant questions.''

[The 9th Sage]

I would personally go with something more along the lines of ''I'm impressed... I've only just removed the device and it seems that you are already asking relevant questions.''

Yeah, I suppose just device would work, especially since it's alluded to earlier in the script.

[bluesunlight432]

Here's my new beginning as I have tried to remove its wood:

BIGGS: Damn! Despite all this protective gear, my face still feels like it's frostbitten. Please tell me that's Narshe: the metropolitan market.
WEDGE: It's gotta be. So, you ready to partake in history by excavating that Esper? It's a product of the Great Demon War, and it has allegedly been frozen there for 1000 years.
BIGGS: Do you think it survived all this time through dormancy?
WEDGE: Our superiors were so eager when briefing us on this mission, so they must think it's still alive...whether through dormancy or not.
BIGGS: And what about her? I know the general insisted that we bring her along, but she scares me. Her military test results state that she incinerated 50 of our armored magitek soldiers in under three minutes!
WEDGE: Don't worry about that, those results also state that the manipulation device on her head works flawlessly. It dimishes her of will and consciousness. For all I know, she'll follow our orders.
BIGGS: We'll go round and break into Narshe from the east. Move out!

It's starting to look quite far from the way the original japanese text was written and I'm frankly feeling conflicted about it. Should I continue to write like this? Should I try to find middle-ground between writing the script in my own style and preserving the original script? Should I make the call myself since I'm the writer?


''I'm impressed... I've only just removed the device and it seems that you are already asking relevant questions.''
I would change the word "relevant" back to "appropriate" since "relevant" is a little vague to me in that context. I would also remove, "it seems that" because it implies a little uncertainty where there is none. But otherwise, thanks for the critique. So...

''I'm impressed... I've only just removed the device and you are already asking appropriate questions!''

[bluesunlight432]

*Arrival at Narshe*
WEDGE: Let's have her go ahead. We're liable to be swarmed by hostilities and I don't want us to risk ourselves.
WEDGE: Alright psycho-girl...forward!

*If you attempt to leave*
WEDGE: We've been traveling here in the freezing cold only to leave without the Esper!? I don't think so!

*Various Guard Triggers*
GUARD: 'The hell you imperial brutes doing? Do you think your machinery makes you tall and powerful enough to trample about uninvited on independent and civilized settlements!? Not if I have something to say about it!
GUARD: My gosh! Mobile Imperial Magitek Armor...here in Narshe?! These outreaching domineering tactics are unacceptable! This is gonna stop here and now!
GUARD: You barbarians ever heard of unalienable rights to live freely? We're not just fighting for Narshe...in an abstract sense, we're fighting for the independence of everyone in the world!
GUARD: Now, the pincer is set, but it wont last if we don't hold our positions. Whatever you do, do not let them get by!!!
GUARD: We have a lengthy and rich ancestry extending back with these mines. We won't have it altered by you!

*Entering Mine*
WEDGE: According to our spy reports, this Esper were looking for was found in a new mine shaft. What do you think? The work on this one looks recent...let's search it and maybe we'll get lucky.

*Destroying Gate*
BIGGS: I'll handle this. I can thrust this machine forward pretty well.
Now stand back you two!

*Boss Battle*
GUARD: You people disgust me. You're like scum! In fact, that's what you figuratively are, but it's what you'll literally be once our pet is done with you. Yumir, look what I've served you for dinner!

BIGGS: Wait! Our briefing mentioned the possibility of an encounter with this whelk!
WEDGE: Yeah, I remember!
BIGGS: It's capable of absorbing electricity from any attack...
WEDGE: Right, and it stores that electricity into its shell!
BIGGS: However we have to destroy this thing, don't hit the shell or there will be trouble!
WEDGE: Alright...attack!


*Approaching frozen beast*
Here it is...the frozen Esper.

Now be careful to follow the procedure explicitly. This creature has a mind of its own and much destructive magic power which could prove very dangerous if it perceives us as hostile.

WEDGE: It's definitely active and knows we're here. It probably doesn't understand our language but it should be receptive to emotion. If the Esper reacts to us, we're supposed to try and console it.

WEDGE: "Awwww, what's the matter? Do you wish to reveal your wisdom to us?"

*Girl moves closer to beast*
BIGGS: I don't like this. They're are having a mutual reaction. Maybe the Esper is far
more intelligent than any of us thought.

The creature began emitting an eerie light.

BIGGS: What the hell!? It's not taking kindly to us!

WEDGE: That light! OW, it's dissolving my skin like acid! My insides buuurrrn!! ARRRGH!*disappears*

BIGGS: Oh God no! Don't leave me alooone!! I DON'T WANNA DIE!!! *disappears*
*Esper frees girl of armor*

*Girl wakes up in home*
GIRL: Who are you? Where am I?

OLD MAN: Wow! I removed the device only minutes ago and you're already asking me appropiate questions!

GIRL: UGH! My head...it's numb...my thoughts cause me physical pain...

OLD MAN: It's uncomfortable for me to tell you so, but you were a victim of the empire's cruelty. You were enslaved to the evil programming of this...thing. They equipped you with it, then must have easily coerced you into carrying out their dirty deeds. Don't get me wrong, I do not believe you were responsible for murdering some of our guards, but it worries me that they might.

GIRL: What are you talking about? I can't remember anything! Ow, my head hurts!

OLD MAN: Yikes. I can only suppose that you've been afflicted with a truama. Your memories should recover in time. For now, try telling me your name...

*Tina*
A rare, natural-born magician who, due to her talents, became an interest and unwitting
servant to the empire. Throughout her enslavement, her past became just as mysterious to her as it is to anyone else.

TINA: My name...is Tina.

Here's text from a little later in the game:
I figured you guys would be interested to see how I handled Kefka. Might be a little incomplete.

*GASTRA's address to soldiers*
GASTRA:
Citizens and soldiers of the empire, our bitter days of being surrounded by nothing but
military and political rivals have finally come to an end. In time, we will all witness
the ultimate revival of magic! These powers will prove extremely effective in enforcing
our policies and determinations. All the people of the world will be forced to unite under
us, as nothing...and I mean nothing...will contend with with our newfound superiority!
Hurrah, long live Emperor Gastra!



*KefKa approaching Figaro*
KEFKA: Cripes! Of all the people, Emperor Gastra sends me to a petty civilization in this hot and humid dismal desert. And you, Edgar, why the hell did you erect your castle in the middle of nowhere!? These reconnoitering jobs are a waste of my talents! I'm an imperial militant and the brain of the magitek army...not some pathetic inspector!

KEFKA: Ahem, hey look...sand on my boots!

*Guards clean*
GUARD: Alright, there...sir!
GUARD: Yes, yes...all set......sir!

KEFKA: Dullards!

*Kefka enters*
CASTLE GUARD: Kefka, what do you...
KEFKA: Step aside, jamook.

*Edgar confronts Kefka*
EDGAR: Kefka, why the abrupt visit? Isn't it appropriate to request an invite before you
come barging onto another's property?

KEFKA: Like a person of my importance has time to waste on cheap polite diplomacy...just listen to what the empire wants of you! A product of ours, a magician, was lost on duty in Narshe.
She's about 5'4", has green hair, pale skin, last seen with red and purple clothing...you
know, a distinctive appearance. We have reason to believe that she's here. Where is she?

EDGAR: I'm sorry, but women are like grains of sand to me. There are far too many to possibly keep track of them all.

KEFKA: What the hell kinda reponse is that? Do I look to you like a moron!?

EDGAR: No, no! But if the empire demands it, I'll check the admittance records past and present to help and get to the bottom of this matter.

KEFKA: If you're refusing to tell me something, you're committing treason not just to the Empire, but to your Castle Figaro as well. I will find out if this is the case. The consequences would be harsh enough to snap your mind!

*Refering to Guards*
KEFKA: Alright ex-palookas, let's go.

A little later...


*Figaro is burning, Edgar confronts Kefka*
EDGAR: What in the name of...

KEFKA: You're so deep in shit you're full of it. I already smacked some interesting info out of an old crank from Narshe. He was confident to designate our target to this castle...land of the dead, home to a lyin' pansy like you.

EDGAR: You're being awfully unreasonable! I already told you everything and promised you I'd deal with this matter as efficently as possible! Stop this madness!

KEFKA: You have a lot of nerve...or no nerve at all to add oil to my wrathful inferno!

*Talking to the guards*
GUARD: This is the most fun I've had on the job...ever! FIRE! FIRE!

*Edgar walks away*
KEFKA: Remember, I'm not burning your castle, you are! I just work here. Where is she?

EDGAR: I'm dismayed to say this, but I have no choice but to give her up.

*Edgar jumps on Chocobo*
EDGAR: Or maybe I do!

KEFKA: Oh that'll make a great news item: "King flees his kingdom and his people burn in agony!" What's on your mind Edgar? How does a dickweed think?

*Castle diving sequence*


KEFKA: Go! Eradicate them! NOW!

*After boss battle, Tina, Lock, and Edgar flee*

KEFKA: Son of a bitch! I'll kill alla youse!