Gavin_86
01-05-2004, 03:22 AM
music can shape your mood. crafting a fine array of thoughts and emotions. each song can have a different motive and attatchment. every single situation in life has a song, would that the world have an everconstant soundtrack. each person with their own grand compilation and each track peices of a whole creating a most beautiful mosaic of the human spirit.
<center>----------</center>
a sick acidic substance. it's full potential is recognized only with it's partner component: time. unavoidable. undesirable, just stuff it back down inside. hard first in coming, but much more savage a beast rampaging through your soul when released back up. angry you abandoned it, you were it's friend. some bitter and tragic friend is the pain we harbor too long inside ourselves.
if i close my eyes, lay my head down in un-restful sleep, nothing i do or say is real. just echoes of some sad man's life, naught but whispers on the wind.and the consequence? an unavoidable runoff, no drain or grate for the dark waters of reality to slide through, never to be seen again. my choices are poor, and choices of a sad man are worse.
what foul and fickle trick of the gods is this? deceiving eyes witness not the true spiritual being. deceiving lips speak alleged truths and alleged realities. this a twisted duality giving unlawful definition as reality is false; ademanding game we all play with it, a most impressive parade chalk full with pomp and lights to disguise and complete the mask. what a person may say or do is counter to what is felt. human existence itself is the ultimate hypocrisy, or at least in this respect.
...wait...wait one second, i just realized that not a word of that makes sense. strange utterances.... i think i'll grab a beer <img src=smilies/eek5.gif>.
EDIT:
I decided to add things, since i felt like typing into this small box today. i have to go to school tomorow, the snow is beatiful right now, i have a large sketchpad with the cover torn off. i lost my socks. okay?
So i've been in weird moods lately, i'm not quite sure what it is. I've just been on emotional edge it seems. There were some things i regret over this past winter break, formost among those: talking while very drunk. it seems that i say things i wouldn't normaly say..fancy that.\
shared some personal thoughts about the way my life is heading with some people which i'd rather have kept private. honestly, who needs to here my sad garbage? everyone has problems enough of their own to take care of.
i found out that being 'depressed' can get really old really fast. and then when it comes back...well, if it was a fine wine..yeh, it'd be tasty.
so to girls and guys and people who understand dating and the such: so dude/dudette, someone should've told me that 'making out' isn't sacred and that people are just 'having fun'. first kiss: emotional seizure.
i regret being an asshole to a girl. i realized now that i don't know what i want in life regarding relashionships. have i ever had a real one? no. have a ever had a 'non-real' one? no. But i found myself chasing some phantom, some imaginary fantastic goal. i realize now that i don't want to be in a relashionship, i don't like this girl, i just like the fact that at one time in her life she liked me.
an idea entirely alien that someone could actually like me. i mean seriously, do people know who i am? it boggles me.
i found out that i'm so desperate for some illusiary fantastic goal, that somehow if can be complete if someone loves me. enough to try to turn myself into a sick emotional parasite without even realizing it.
i found that i carry every small problem around with me. people always say you need to vent, you shouldn't hold things inside. bullshit, i'll hold whatever i want, nothing bad will happen. but then one night you find yourself crying, going through every bad thing that's ever happened to the first person you see.
I found that before my 'i don't know where or what the hell i''m going to do in life and loving it" attitude doesn't work for me anymore. I feel i have goals now. i need to get out of my house, not the best environment for me. i need to go to college, i need a job. i need to finish highschool. i feel like i have a hint at what i want to do, and that i don't want to be left behind. nobody is going to come back to make sure that i'm getting along in life, it's something i have to do on my own and that terrifies and excits me at the same time.
i found that people view me as outgoing. haha, one of the biggest shocks in my life. 'outgoing' isn't me. i'm quite and shy and timid, and scared shitless of people. but then i changed on the outside i guess. i haven't been the scared timid boy since elementary school, and even then that's not what people saw. i realize, as stated in my shitty 'trying to be a philosopher' writing above that the duality of my personality is really fucking scary. for my whole life i've been the timid Gavin whenever i thought about myself, so it was suprising when i found out that is not what people see. and that makes me sad. because how can they ever understand how and why i react to things, or understand fully that i'm an honest person and i just want to be loved?
i drew a face a litte bit ago, i'll post it here:
<center>http://gavin.panicus.org/pictures/face21.jpg</center>
reply if you want :)
<P ID="signature"><center>I'm just a Paranoid Android watching through my superb crystal viewing glass
[ http://gavin.panicus.orgGavin.Panicus.Org</a> ]</center></P>
<center>----------</center>
a sick acidic substance. it's full potential is recognized only with it's partner component: time. unavoidable. undesirable, just stuff it back down inside. hard first in coming, but much more savage a beast rampaging through your soul when released back up. angry you abandoned it, you were it's friend. some bitter and tragic friend is the pain we harbor too long inside ourselves.
if i close my eyes, lay my head down in un-restful sleep, nothing i do or say is real. just echoes of some sad man's life, naught but whispers on the wind.and the consequence? an unavoidable runoff, no drain or grate for the dark waters of reality to slide through, never to be seen again. my choices are poor, and choices of a sad man are worse.
what foul and fickle trick of the gods is this? deceiving eyes witness not the true spiritual being. deceiving lips speak alleged truths and alleged realities. this a twisted duality giving unlawful definition as reality is false; ademanding game we all play with it, a most impressive parade chalk full with pomp and lights to disguise and complete the mask. what a person may say or do is counter to what is felt. human existence itself is the ultimate hypocrisy, or at least in this respect.
...wait...wait one second, i just realized that not a word of that makes sense. strange utterances.... i think i'll grab a beer <img src=smilies/eek5.gif>.
EDIT:
I decided to add things, since i felt like typing into this small box today. i have to go to school tomorow, the snow is beatiful right now, i have a large sketchpad with the cover torn off. i lost my socks. okay?
So i've been in weird moods lately, i'm not quite sure what it is. I've just been on emotional edge it seems. There were some things i regret over this past winter break, formost among those: talking while very drunk. it seems that i say things i wouldn't normaly say..fancy that.\
shared some personal thoughts about the way my life is heading with some people which i'd rather have kept private. honestly, who needs to here my sad garbage? everyone has problems enough of their own to take care of.
i found out that being 'depressed' can get really old really fast. and then when it comes back...well, if it was a fine wine..yeh, it'd be tasty.
so to girls and guys and people who understand dating and the such: so dude/dudette, someone should've told me that 'making out' isn't sacred and that people are just 'having fun'. first kiss: emotional seizure.
i regret being an asshole to a girl. i realized now that i don't know what i want in life regarding relashionships. have i ever had a real one? no. have a ever had a 'non-real' one? no. But i found myself chasing some phantom, some imaginary fantastic goal. i realize now that i don't want to be in a relashionship, i don't like this girl, i just like the fact that at one time in her life she liked me.
an idea entirely alien that someone could actually like me. i mean seriously, do people know who i am? it boggles me.
i found out that i'm so desperate for some illusiary fantastic goal, that somehow if can be complete if someone loves me. enough to try to turn myself into a sick emotional parasite without even realizing it.
i found that i carry every small problem around with me. people always say you need to vent, you shouldn't hold things inside. bullshit, i'll hold whatever i want, nothing bad will happen. but then one night you find yourself crying, going through every bad thing that's ever happened to the first person you see.
I found that before my 'i don't know where or what the hell i''m going to do in life and loving it" attitude doesn't work for me anymore. I feel i have goals now. i need to get out of my house, not the best environment for me. i need to go to college, i need a job. i need to finish highschool. i feel like i have a hint at what i want to do, and that i don't want to be left behind. nobody is going to come back to make sure that i'm getting along in life, it's something i have to do on my own and that terrifies and excits me at the same time.
i found that people view me as outgoing. haha, one of the biggest shocks in my life. 'outgoing' isn't me. i'm quite and shy and timid, and scared shitless of people. but then i changed on the outside i guess. i haven't been the scared timid boy since elementary school, and even then that's not what people saw. i realize, as stated in my shitty 'trying to be a philosopher' writing above that the duality of my personality is really fucking scary. for my whole life i've been the timid Gavin whenever i thought about myself, so it was suprising when i found out that is not what people see. and that makes me sad. because how can they ever understand how and why i react to things, or understand fully that i'm an honest person and i just want to be loved?
i drew a face a litte bit ago, i'll post it here:
<center>http://gavin.panicus.org/pictures/face21.jpg</center>
reply if you want :)
<P ID="signature"><center>I'm just a Paranoid Android watching through my superb crystal viewing glass
[ http://gavin.panicus.orgGavin.Panicus.Org</a> ]</center></P>