Am I wrong for being pissed?

[MooglyGuy]

I'm going to post in my side of a conversation (since my friend didn't really say anything in response) that I had with a friend on AIM tonight regarding my living-at-home predicament. Tell me whether I'm wrong for feeling violated and used for my money.

Mega64man1: I'm just curious, do your parents charge you rent? If not, what expenses do you have to pay to continue living in your parents' house? I just want to get a feeling for how right or not right my current situation is.

(my friend): They don't charge me rent, no...

Mega64man1: Okay, 'cause I'm curious. See, you know our house is a duplex, right?

Mega64man1: Well, my mom's currently renovating it. That is, putting in a new fridge, putting down carpeting and tiling, repainting and remolding some areas. She'll be letting me live there once the renovation is finished, which is fuck only knows when, we've lived here for a year and it's still not done.

Mega64man1: She claims that she could get like $400-$600/month rent for it, being that it's got its own kitchen, bedroom, and bathroom.

Mega64man1: Well, she's essentially charging me rent already. Like at the beginning of this semester, I was compelled to sign over $3300 of my balance of aid money (of which I saw fuckin' $200 for my own use), and if I didn't it was pretty well implied that I'd have my ass kicked to the curb.

Mega64man1: Now, next semester I'll be getting even more in the way of balance of aid, since I'll be a Junior and the student aid money for Juniors goes up.

Mega64man1: Yet I'm still going to have to be signing it over to her.

Mega64man1: Oh, and I came up with a pretty good plan for making money. Given the fact that arcade machines stop depreciating in value after about 5-8 years and will then either appreciate or stay the same in value, I figured I'd get about $500 out of next semester's balance of aid check, pick up a decent arcade machine at the next operator's auction in Knoxville, clean it up, fix it up, and sell it on eBay for more than what I paid for it. Repeat until I have enough money to buy a DDR machine or something.

Mega64man1: I mentioned that to her, and ooooh no. Fuck no I'm not getting $500. It's arguable that I'd even be getting more than $200 despite the fact that MY TUITION IS GOING UP MORE THAN $200.

Mega64man1: Now, pardon me for thinking this, but I'm getting the feeling that she cares less about me - her first and only child - and more about money.

Mega64man1: I mean, fuck!

Mega64man1: If I were living on my own, in my own apartment, or co-leasing with someone or something, I'd at least be seeing more spending money than just $200 a semester. Holy fuck.

Mega64man1: Yet I can't do a goddamn THING about it otherwise I'll be out on my ass with nobody to turn to and nowhere to go.

Mega64man1: And it's funny, because she says that if I want to live things my own way, I can find my own place to live, and I'm welcome to come back if I'm willing to "try" or something. Yeah, well try giving me my money, bitch.

Anyway, is it wrong for me being pissed off? As far as I'm concerned, I really couldn't care less about living in that upstairs duplex. Sure it's nice and all, but as far as I'm concerned, if she gets money from someone else for living there and I get to keep MY money (it's not hers until I sign over the check to her), then she's happy and I'm happy. Oh, but she says that it's so that I can learn how to be independent. Yeah, because people learn independence by being tied to their own mother at the ankle and having to fulfill her every command under the shadow of being kicked the fuck out, right? Jesus.

Me -> <img src=smilies/2gunsfiring_v1.gif>

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[KaoruDono]

I don't think your wrong for being mad. I mean your not even living there yet and she is already charging you rent. That's just wrong.

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[SharkESP]

3300 a semester means 825 a month taking into account a 4 month semester.

In Tampa, that's a three bedroom furnished apartment with free lights, cable, and utilities.

I'd tell her that negotiations need to be for a lower rent cost, or you'll be moving out as soon as possible. Granted she's family, so itshouldn't be done in a way to burn bridges. but unless cost of living is outrageous there, she's taking your ass to the cleaners.

<P ID="signature">Peace Sells, but who's buyin? - Dave Mustaine</P>

[fairykiller]

I feel like maybe I shouldn't be replying to this, since my cultural background is so different (charging your kids rent is unheard of - you're just expected to take care of their needs until they start earning). So I have to say, where I come from that is horrible. You're her son, she shouldn't be doing this to you.
That said, she is your mom at the end of the day, so although I don't blame you at all for being pissed, you might want to give her the benefit of your own big-heartedness even if she doesn't really seem to deserve it. You will probably regret alienating her if you do anything to permanently hurt her. Perhaps there is some way to talk to her and be gentle but firm, and try to negotiate some kind of understanding? And I don't know the details of your situation, is it possible for you to live on campus? It really sucks that she should put you in the position to have to do any of that though. She's your mom, she should care about you above all else... does she desperately need the money or something (that would make it more understandable)?

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[MooglyGuy]

> That said, she is your mom at the end of the day, so
> although I don't blame you at all for being pissed, you
> might want to give her the benefit of your own
> big-heartedness even if she doesn't really seem to deserve
> it.

Well, although I'm angry that she's charging me rent to live at home, I still can't say that she hasn't been a wonderful mother in the past. There have been times in my life when she's been the only person who would stand up for me, and I'm grateful.

> You will probably regret alienating her if you do
> anything to permanently hurt her.

I have no plans on doing anything to permanently hurt her. I have no plans on even bringing this up with her since I don't want to start even any lingering traces of bad blood between she and I. In fact, the reason why I ranted so vehemently on here and on AIM to my friend is because I don't bring it up to her, so therefore I just bottle it up inside until I have to vent it on SOMEONE, and since beating the crap out of a pillow doesn't actually express my feelings to another human being, I just tell people online who at least put up a good semblance of caring.

> Perhaps there is some way
> to talk to her and be gentle but firm, and try to negotiate
> some kind of understanding?

Nope. Her way or the highway. She's under the misguided impression that this is actually "helping me" learn to be independent or something. I shouldn't have to tell her of all people, what with her having worked as an administrator in two different universities' financial aid offices, that generally when someone's independent they're allowed to keep track of their own money, but I suppose that thought escapes her when she's trying to shield her poor, poor baby from the world.

> And I don't know the details of
> your situation, is it possible for you to live on campus?

Not really, it would require paying twice the usual rate for a private room. Historically people with Asperger Syndrome don't do well in a situation where they're forced to live in a small, cramped space (like the dorm rooms at ETSU) with another person whose behaviour they can't control - i.e., coming and going at all hours of the night (lack of a structured environment), wearing various colognes or perfumes (hypersensory & easily overstimulated), tapping pens and pencils and such (see previous), and so on.

> It
> really sucks that she should put you in the position to have
> to do any of that though. She's your mom, she should care
> about you above all else... does she desperately need the
> money or something (that would make it more understandable)?

Not particularly. While our finances aren't in that great of a shape what with both the downstairs and upstairs refrigerators having gone out completely within two weeks of each other, and any Christmas gift-buying wil have to wait until the 24th (which is when she gets paid for December) at least, she certainly doesn't need my money to get by. Admittedly, it was through the $3300 of this fall's balance of aid that she was able to afford to get carpeting in the upstairs duplex and put down tile and put in a window-mounted air conditioner/heater unit and pay for the new refrigerator, and I don't think that for $3300 I could hire someone to do the amount of renovations she did upstairs, but I would be much happier if one of the two things occurred:

1) After finishing the upstairs duplex, she rented it out to someone who could truly appreciate it, and slowly reimbursed me for my money that was used for all of the above, or
2) Since she's trying to give me a "real world" situation and generally when someone leases an apartment it's expected that the apartment will be in a livable condition without the leasee having to pay for the renovations himself, I should get my money back anyway.

On the other hand, after talking with another friend online, I began to realize the flip-side of the situation, which is the only reason why I have been striving to move upstairs in the first place. You see, since the upstairs part of the house is completely separate (no staircase leading from downstairs to upstairs save for one staircase outside the house that leads to the sidewalk which goes around to the front), there's no chance that my mother could just walk in on me or something. Seriously, to put it a bit crudely, I was just beating it in my room with the door closed, and she went and knocked on my door to tell me to go to bed soon, ruining my train of thought - so to speak - entirely. It'd be AWESOME to be able to have "personal time" with my little friend and not have to worry about being interrupted. Furthermore, if I were living upstairs it would allow the furtherance of my own "personal" life given the fact that I would actually be able to have someone spend the night, so to speak, without having to worry about being found in bed with him the next morning. I suppose, with how much ranting I did, things aren't ALL bad about eventually moving up there.

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[Isildur]

You're not wrong. Find another place. Like Fairykiller said, maybe it varies by culture, but my parents would never in a million years think of trying to make a profit off of me.

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[Narvi]

Wow.

I must say that your mother sounds a hell of a lot like mine. I'm 20 years old now and she's been charging me rent for the past 2 years. Oh yes, it's been fun, however, unlike you, I told her I had demands.

She's charging me $400 a month, which is about the rate that I would spend to rent a small bedroom in my area. I am going to deploy for the Navy soon and I told her that I felt her charge for my room was fair and that any adult person would be expected to pay that much. I then told her that becuase of that, I deserve to be treated as an adult and I am entitled to my privacy and that I may live my life at my discretion so long as I'm not disturbing anybody else in the house. I demanded that I be able to have a girl spend the night if I so desired. I also demanded that I may come and go as I please and I may sleep and wake up when I please. I admit it wasnt easy getting her to comply with all these demands. She really hates it if I go to bed very late like 5:00 am and gets up very late, say 2:00 pm. Apparently that's a bad thing, but she still hasn't given me a good reason why.

The difference between you and I is that though our moms are practically identical, if I dont get fair treatment, I'd be willing to move out and get a room somewhere else until I left for the Navy. I told her that I'd like to stay with her for as long as possible because she is my mother and that I do care about her and I would rather not share a house/apartment with other people.

I tried to appeal to her logical side and her matriachal side. I dunno if this is gonna be able to help you, but I'm just letting you know my story cause it sounds a lot like your own.

As far as your story goes, if I were you, I wouldnt be too eager to give her the details of the amount of money you come across. There's a difference between teaching somebody to manage his money and taking most of it away. But I know how they can be if they know you're getting money.

<P ID="signature">Sometimes I wonder. Sometimes I wander. Sometimes I do both. Sometimes when I do both, I get lost. </P>

[MooglyGuy]

> As far as your story goes, if I were you, I wouldnt be too
> eager to give her the details of the amount of money you
> come across.

That's kind of hard to do when she's in an administrative position at the university I attend and has access to pretty much all of my university records, whether they're grades or financial aid.

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[Fla Flash]

I sure the hell don't blame you.

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