Octocrook
12-03-2003, 12:20 AM
Just out of curiosity that's been looming inside me for a while, I took a bi-polar questionnaire. Comments on answers are in *s.
1. Has there ever been a period of time when you were not your usual self and...
...you felt so good or so hyper that other people thought you were not your normal self or you were so hyper that you got into trouble?
YES *a lot of times when I'm making a song that I think sounds amazing, I'll be hyperly and intensively working on it to finish it, sometimes into the wee hours of the morning*
...you were so irritable that you shouted at people or started fights or arguments?
YES *I'll start the most mundane arguments with my mom, or I'll belittle her over things she does wrong, though mostly that's cuz she does it to me*
...you felt much more self-confident than usual?
YES
...you got much less sleep than usual and found you didn't really miss it?
YES *a lot of times, if I stay up late making music, I either wind up sleeping onyl about 2-4 hours or not even sleeping at all, and I'll be full of energy*
...you were much more talkative or spoke much faster than usual?
YES *anytime I do something well like bowling or chess*
...thoughts raced through your head or you couldn't slow your mind down?
YES *this happens to me all the time*
...you were so easily distracted by things around you that you had trouble concentrating or staying on track?
YES *I find it difficult to focus on work, especially school-related stuff like studying and homework*
...you had much more energy than usual?
YES
...you were much more active or did many more things than usual?
YES
...you were much more social or outgoing than usual, for example, you telephoned friends in the middle of the night?
NO *there are times when I'm more social or outgoing than usual, but not to an extent that I would answer yes to this question*
...you were much more interested in sex than usual?
YES *it comes in nightmarish quantities too*
...you did things that were unusual for you or that other people might have thought were excessive, foolish, or risky?
YES *not risky, but excessive and foolish yes. I don't even want to go into some of the food binging I've done*
...spending money got you or your family into trouble?
NO *more like not yet...I'm hurriedly getting into money trouble*
2. If you checked YES to more than one of the above, have several of these ever happened during the same period of time?
YES
3. How much of a problem did any of these cause you - like being unable to work; having family, money or legal troubles; getting into arguments or fights?
Moderate Problem *never been in physical fights with my family, but my inability to handle college is going to get me thrown out maybe as soon as this semester*
"Your answers indicate the possibility of bipolar disorder. We recommend you print a copy of this completed questionnaire (using the print key on your Internet toolbar) and share the results with your physician and/or a mental health professional and that you request a comprehensive evaluation for bipolar spectrum disorder."
So I don't really know what to think of this. I've pretty much been at various levels of depression for the last 4 or 5 years of my life. Sometimes I'm relatively stable and the days just seem monotonous and the future uncertain, but sometimes, like today at college, I didn't do so well on a test, and right when I got in my car and closed the door, I was yelling a stream of obscenities at the top of my lungs like I'm pretty much getting used to doing. My mood didn't improve much when I almost got into 2 accidents on my way home thanks to other piece of fucking shit fucking sorry ass drivers that I seem to encounter all the fucking time. And now, here I am, gorging the hell out of a bag of jerky, soon to turn on the TV and pretty much blindly watch whatever, worriedly anticipating my mom coming home and whatever wrath she'll have for me tonight, and then I'll monotonously do my fucking job that I hate, then who knows what I'll fill my bored mind with. Besides that I've thought that maybe I fit the Bi-Polar bill, I looked up that questionnaire because today, in the course of about an hour, I went from relatively happy and giddy (mostly remnants of a fun night I had last night) to nearly suicidal rage, feeling subhuman, etc etc.
Part of why I hide it from friends and family is because in my family, I'm like the "last hope". Because I'm as smart as I am, because none of the rest of my family graduated college, because my brother and sister got fucked up on drugs when they were my age and ended up probably about as mentally unstable as I am now, I'm supposed to be superman...I'm supposed to be the perfect kid that will go on to become the emperor of the world. And in reality, I'm the weakest person I know. I can barely even give an unforced look into people's eyes because I feel like such trash. Every time I tell my mom how I feel, she gives this "be grateful for what you have" bit....every fucking time, like it's magically supposed to make me feel better. But I let on like it does so that I can at least try to look strong. There's really no point to it, or any other weird shit I do.
It's all part of my not really being raised by anybody. I was magically supposed to figure out how to live on my own. My mom mentioned an article she read in the paper about how it's mostly our lives from age 11 to age 20 that shape who we are the most. That rang so true to me, because my parents divorced when I was 10, after which I pretty much had no father figure in my life to do what fathers do, and mom was barely around, between working to support me and dating and gambling all the time. My mom can't understand why I'm addicted to playing games, music, and movies...that's all I really had from 10 on. Anyways...
On a seperate note, my dreams are continuing to come every night and be really good. There's not been a single morning in the last 3 or 4 months that I wake up and I don't want to go back to sleep again because of what dream I was having. If other people weren't waking me up in the morning, I'd wonder if I'd ever get up. This is alarming me as well, to say the least. I think it might be time to get some real help.
<P ID="signature"><center><img src=http://images.southparkstudios.com/img/content/news/1640a.jpg>
"I wanna get down on my knees and start pleasin' Jesus! I wanna feel his salvation all over my face!"
</center></P>
1. Has there ever been a period of time when you were not your usual self and...
...you felt so good or so hyper that other people thought you were not your normal self or you were so hyper that you got into trouble?
YES *a lot of times when I'm making a song that I think sounds amazing, I'll be hyperly and intensively working on it to finish it, sometimes into the wee hours of the morning*
...you were so irritable that you shouted at people or started fights or arguments?
YES *I'll start the most mundane arguments with my mom, or I'll belittle her over things she does wrong, though mostly that's cuz she does it to me*
...you felt much more self-confident than usual?
YES
...you got much less sleep than usual and found you didn't really miss it?
YES *a lot of times, if I stay up late making music, I either wind up sleeping onyl about 2-4 hours or not even sleeping at all, and I'll be full of energy*
...you were much more talkative or spoke much faster than usual?
YES *anytime I do something well like bowling or chess*
...thoughts raced through your head or you couldn't slow your mind down?
YES *this happens to me all the time*
...you were so easily distracted by things around you that you had trouble concentrating or staying on track?
YES *I find it difficult to focus on work, especially school-related stuff like studying and homework*
...you had much more energy than usual?
YES
...you were much more active or did many more things than usual?
YES
...you were much more social or outgoing than usual, for example, you telephoned friends in the middle of the night?
NO *there are times when I'm more social or outgoing than usual, but not to an extent that I would answer yes to this question*
...you were much more interested in sex than usual?
YES *it comes in nightmarish quantities too*
...you did things that were unusual for you or that other people might have thought were excessive, foolish, or risky?
YES *not risky, but excessive and foolish yes. I don't even want to go into some of the food binging I've done*
...spending money got you or your family into trouble?
NO *more like not yet...I'm hurriedly getting into money trouble*
2. If you checked YES to more than one of the above, have several of these ever happened during the same period of time?
YES
3. How much of a problem did any of these cause you - like being unable to work; having family, money or legal troubles; getting into arguments or fights?
Moderate Problem *never been in physical fights with my family, but my inability to handle college is going to get me thrown out maybe as soon as this semester*
"Your answers indicate the possibility of bipolar disorder. We recommend you print a copy of this completed questionnaire (using the print key on your Internet toolbar) and share the results with your physician and/or a mental health professional and that you request a comprehensive evaluation for bipolar spectrum disorder."
So I don't really know what to think of this. I've pretty much been at various levels of depression for the last 4 or 5 years of my life. Sometimes I'm relatively stable and the days just seem monotonous and the future uncertain, but sometimes, like today at college, I didn't do so well on a test, and right when I got in my car and closed the door, I was yelling a stream of obscenities at the top of my lungs like I'm pretty much getting used to doing. My mood didn't improve much when I almost got into 2 accidents on my way home thanks to other piece of fucking shit fucking sorry ass drivers that I seem to encounter all the fucking time. And now, here I am, gorging the hell out of a bag of jerky, soon to turn on the TV and pretty much blindly watch whatever, worriedly anticipating my mom coming home and whatever wrath she'll have for me tonight, and then I'll monotonously do my fucking job that I hate, then who knows what I'll fill my bored mind with. Besides that I've thought that maybe I fit the Bi-Polar bill, I looked up that questionnaire because today, in the course of about an hour, I went from relatively happy and giddy (mostly remnants of a fun night I had last night) to nearly suicidal rage, feeling subhuman, etc etc.
Part of why I hide it from friends and family is because in my family, I'm like the "last hope". Because I'm as smart as I am, because none of the rest of my family graduated college, because my brother and sister got fucked up on drugs when they were my age and ended up probably about as mentally unstable as I am now, I'm supposed to be superman...I'm supposed to be the perfect kid that will go on to become the emperor of the world. And in reality, I'm the weakest person I know. I can barely even give an unforced look into people's eyes because I feel like such trash. Every time I tell my mom how I feel, she gives this "be grateful for what you have" bit....every fucking time, like it's magically supposed to make me feel better. But I let on like it does so that I can at least try to look strong. There's really no point to it, or any other weird shit I do.
It's all part of my not really being raised by anybody. I was magically supposed to figure out how to live on my own. My mom mentioned an article she read in the paper about how it's mostly our lives from age 11 to age 20 that shape who we are the most. That rang so true to me, because my parents divorced when I was 10, after which I pretty much had no father figure in my life to do what fathers do, and mom was barely around, between working to support me and dating and gambling all the time. My mom can't understand why I'm addicted to playing games, music, and movies...that's all I really had from 10 on. Anyways...
On a seperate note, my dreams are continuing to come every night and be really good. There's not been a single morning in the last 3 or 4 months that I wake up and I don't want to go back to sleep again because of what dream I was having. If other people weren't waking me up in the morning, I'd wonder if I'd ever get up. This is alarming me as well, to say the least. I think it might be time to get some real help.
<P ID="signature"><center><img src=http://images.southparkstudios.com/img/content/news/1640a.jpg>
"I wanna get down on my knees and start pleasin' Jesus! I wanna feel his salvation all over my face!"
</center></P>